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i feel so stupid and so guilty venting this, since i have chosen to stay with my a, but he is drunk, and i'm trying to be on the comp, and he's ripping me to shreds...
i argued for about a minute, then said, i'm not discussing this with you anymore. you're drunk and unreasonable, and i'm done.
then i came here to vent. sadly, when i declare silence, and choose to not engage in the argument, it's like it's a license for him to just 'get it all off his chest' and go on and on and on about what a horrible person i am.
anyway, i just wrote this cuz i needed to have a voice, since voicing to him is pointless, especially at this point.
it feels really comforting to know someone else has done this, too. the guilt comes from the fact that i left him last summer for two months, then took him back when he finally begged me to. that's why i fell guilty complaining, cuz i chose this.
anyway, thanks for the support. it is really good to know someone else goes thru the same crap. thanks jj!!!
Vent away! I can relate the frustration and hurt! I recorded my "A" speaking to me that nasty way after a 9 hour night out with the guys. The argument was started by him, driving home drunk(he's a cop by the way..ironic huh?), stumbling in at 4am wondering why I didn't stay up for him! I try my hardest not to speak to him in that condition because no matter what I say, it's the wrong thing to say. So I said.".it's 4am I'm always asleep at this time, if it's really important we can talk now otherwise I would appreciate if we can talk in the morning." AGAIN wrong thing to say! So, needless to say I woke up at 4am that day, listen to him rant and rave about how awful I am and then he passed out. (I did something really immature that night..as he was snoring away, I painted his finger and toenails red and wrote LOSER on his forehead with my black eyeliner. I had an evil grin the whole time...I kinda feel like Willie Nelsons wife!!) He woke up sometime that afternoon to me vacuuming by his slumbering body. I told him I wanted him to listen to something while he was nursing his hangover. I plated the tape, I turned it up real loud, how he likes to talk when drunk and he was shocked. He cried, he sobbed and apologized. I know my hunny is speaking out of line, because of the alcohol. Sure the words hurt, and i don't take it to heart. I put up the shield and continue on my way. The constant battles between us over the alcohol is trying but I feel like I scored a point, and if this is negative in my approach to healing, so BE it. It made me feel good. I knocked the giant of his high horse. That afternoon, I asked him to take a look in the mirror at the man he's become..and guess what he saw???...YOU GOT IT!! (by the way, he wasn't angry..he was...SOBERED up by it)
You really taped it? Can't tell you how many times I was tempted to do that!
Those of us with small children are familiar with tantrums. Do you remember your three year old saying "I hate you Mommy!"? Now, this may cause a little pang, but it doesn't really break your heart, because you know full well that the child doesn't mean it in any real way.
Same with your A. Anything said while drunk is about as meaningful as anything said by a small child in a tantrum. Now, you may feel that an adult must take more responsibility for his actions than a three year old, but that 's a different discussion. What your A SHOULD do and what he really DOES do are two different things.
The reality is, if you are living with an active A, you will be yelled at, you will be blamed, and there will be ranting and tirades. If you have decided to stay with him anyway, you need to protect yourself from the effects of these rants. You need to find a way to detach, to not let those rants hurt you, or you will be destroyed by the relationship.
When your three year old is crying and yelling, you may feel a little inadequate, but you don't really believe that you are a failure as a human being and a mother. Same with your A. Take it all with a big spoonful of salt, and, if possible, get some sleep.
be gentle with yourself. Those of us who live with an active A have a very difficult life.
My favorite thing to do when I can't leave the house (late at night, bad weather etc) is to take a long hot shower with the door locked.
By the time I come out my A has gone on to another thing to do - DVD on TV, playing music, and has forgotten about trying to say mean things to me.
So I avoid the arguments as much as possible
Anything said while drunk is about as meaningful as anything said by a small child in a tantrum. Now, you may feel that an adult must take more responsibility for his actions than a three year old, but that 's a different discussion. What your A SHOULD do and what he really DOES do are two different things.
This I agree with. he never remebers what he says anyway so why bother?
be nice to yourself today, you need it
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
Dear,Dear Lori, just cause you took him back doesn't mean you don't have any right to vent (at least I hope it doesn't!!) If so, I imagine an awful lot of us have no right to vent either.For some of us, this is the only place we can vent. Here, pretty well everyone knows what you're going through, and understands. I lost count of the times i left him or kicked him out. It's sooo true, they are so like a 3 yr old..when they're drinking. Next time, just picture a 3 yr old head on this full grown body, and have a laugh to yourself. (secretly, of course, you don't want to stir up a hornet's nest).
Personally, I think the reason they run us down is because they feel so low themselves, they want us to look lower. I REALLY love the recording idea, but don't know if I'd have the nerve :)
Please don't put yourself down, the A's do enough of that!! All your friends at home and here know you as a wonderful caring, special person. I think we all are, to put up with the crap we put up with sometimes. I think we are all very special people, and our A's are to, or we wouldn't be with them, right? So, Lady, give yourself a pat on the back, hold your head up high, you've earned it!! Love ya, TLC
hi Lori, My first thought was, my friend Frank went to school to be doctor. Now he is a doctor, but he has a lot to complain about.
Does not mean he should not have chosen to be a doctor. There is good and bad in lots of things.
I chose to buy this place I live in. I love it, yet I complain all winter about the mud!
I don't see any reason for you to feel guilty. You are doing what you want to do right now.
When I have my A here and his disease blows it, I don't feel guilty when I come here and vent.
You are doing the best you can in a very hard situation. People have all kinds of reasons to stay. To me it is not up to anyone else to judge We are here to support each other.
We cannot control you anymore than you an control your A. So why not just help you and support you!! I feel in alanon we learn to not be critical of others decisions. It is their life, their business, again just like the A and his "stuff."
I am glad when I see ya here, or when you are in the room. I wish you would come there more often.
I miss your emails to me.
Hey btw where the heck is Lexy? I miss her so much Lori. Ramona is who I am talking about.
Anyway you keep venting, don't hold it inside. I used to hold it inside, now I am paying for it. All that bs poisoned my body.
No one can tell another what situation to stay in and what not to, unless we have been that person, we have no right to judge. Just because you stay with him, does not mean you like the situation, and doesn't mean you don't get frustrated.
Just remember that even though it hurts, all of his vindictive garbage has nothing to do with you and everything to do with himself and his disease.
Smart move!!! You said, " i'm not discussing this with you anymore. You're drunk and unreasonable, and i'm done."
Sometimes a silent voice speaks the more than the loud one without adding to the insanity. Wish I would have learned this years ago. It would saved me years of agony. Yea ya wanna scream till they see, it dont work, not your problem, not worth your own sanity.
"Getting all off chest" I believe is a desperate attempt to break that unbearable silent voice...Don't believe it, and most importantly don't jump into the insanity that it is inviting you to. Sorry to say your gonna be made out the horrible person, seems to be the great diversion taught by the wonderful con of alcoholism.
No need to feel guilty by the way, we all know how you are feeling. As far as him ripping you to shreds, you aren't ripped a bit unless you actually believe for a second the insanity that comes out of a drunken mind. Humm do you think they would believe it themselves with a sober mind? one thats not desperate to divert its actions and cover them at any cost.
Keep looking after lori and keep your chin up. Glad you used your voice here.
thank you ALL SO MUCH for your wonderful, insiteful, helpful, supportive and encouraging replies!!!! many things were said that i hadnt really thought of before, and they are so true. i think i have some sort of block when it comes to the things he says to me, as far as being able to detach and believe he doesnt really mean it. cuz a lot of the things he says are things that i feel bad about myself for anyway. and when i hear him say mean things to me in those areas, unfortunately, it really does tear away at my self esteem and hurts that he thinks these things about me. i mean, not EVERYTHING he says about me is a lie. know what i mean?
as far as the guilt thing, i guess when i took him back i had this pipe dream that it meant things were going to be better, or, if they weren't, i knew what i was getting into, so i just need to deal with it. i know you are all telling me some very wise things about that, and i do see what you all are saying about that. just cuz i took him back, doesn't mean it's gonna be bliss, and for my own health, i do still need to talk about it. that one is easier to see differently for me than the not believing all the mean things he says to me. i guess maybe the things he says that really get to me are things that in a normal relationship would be things that maybe bug a husband about his wife, but he doesnt turn it into a hurtful mountain, ya know? but my a says it with such disgust in his voice. sigh....i dunno....definitely an area i need to work on.
but again, thank you all soo much. your replies have made my day!!!
i have video taped my a passed out drunk on the floor, with his head practicall IN the fireplace, but when he saw it, he just shut it off, took the cassette out of the vcr and hid it. he did NOT want to look at himself. i wish i had a tape recorder. i wouldnt have any problem taping him. i think it would be GOOD for them to hear the things they say. not that it would make them, or mine at least, stop drinking....
after my a's dui, he now has an occupational license, and can't drive on the weekends. to today, he left mid afternoon on his BICYCLE to go to a nearby bar, and didn't get home till 930 tonite! sigh.....the drive to drink is amazing. it was a peaceful day for us, tho, cuz he sat downstairs watching tv all day untill he left, then he was gone all day, came home with his tail between his legs, and passed out! so no tongue lashings today!
well, this got quite long! but thanks for listening! love you ALL!!
My Dad always tells me that the worst part of dealing with an alcoholic spouse is that they know how to "push your buttons".
Of course they things thye say are not all lies, they seem to know how to pepper just the right amount of truth into something that it can really plant a lot of doubt.
My parents have a great marriage, but my Dad says if he wants to he knows exactly how to set my Mom off as does she him. Your spouse is the person who knows you inside and out. Part of marriage is opening up and loving, sharing your very soul with each other, it should be a safe sharing. Unfortunately when the spouse is an alcoholic or abusive, they know just where the most hurt can be caused, and this person who shares the very core of you, turns it against you, and knows how to cause the most pain.
It is very hard not to let the things they say get to you, when they are actually using you, against you. It is almost like fighting your own mind.
venting is good medicine LOL drink up!!! We are all here for you this to shall pass reaching out is the thing we do in time of need, and you are doing that in looking to us and the program good for you we love you hang in !!!! Always cloud
thank you, jeannie and cloud. your posts were also very helpful. cloud, your words make me feel so welcome to just blab when i need to, and jeannie, you are so right about how spouses can play each other, a's or not. i've just never really heard anyone say it like that before, even though i know people do it to each other all the time. i mean, i have known that's how people can get at each other, but i dont recall ever hearing that here before. i'm sure people have said it....but i guess this is just the time i really needed to hear it. cuz i know he plays me against me. i know i play him against him, too, but it just doesn't appear that when i do it to him, that it even gets through his armor! maybe it does, but i know when he does it to me, it can bring me to my knees inside.
Been there and felt stupid complaining about someone I still stayed with, but what I realize now in being away from him is that with each time we split up, it was right to be back together-- something wasn't finished, a lesson I was supposed to learn because it is now with this final breakup I learned the lesson and although the pain is there from the split, I have peace and God in my life to get me through it. :)))
We should never feel stupid about our decisions because life is always presenting us with opportunities to learn more about ourselves-- our decisions to stay or leave make us who we are as individuals and some choices may take longer to make, some choices may never be made-- I guess it all depends on how much someone truly wants to have peace in their life. I dunno and will never know. But what I do know for certain is that whatever it is that is required to be decided, God NEEDS to be at the root and of course HEART of our decision because that is the ONLY truth that offers internal peace. Feel what is in your heart completely and you will know what to do.....
Well Lori u gotta admit they are exciting hehe never know whats commin next. Remember to picture the bottle between his eyes right in the middle of the forehead and you know it's booze talking , they really don't like to be ignored we call it detach with love funny they don't see it that way . hehe.
remember to read july 14 th and do what it says , don't assage his guilt by arguing with him. leave it with him right where it belongs. I used to picture his nasty words comming at me across the room and in my mind I would put my hand out and stop them , hold them right in the middle of the room. eventually they either dropped to the floor or went right back to him. I heard nothing. Keep on reading and comming here your going to be just fine . Louise
