New Day I suppose... Feeling a Touch stronger but still wore out... I just can't seem to muster the strength I long to have at this moment... I would love nothing more then to just get out of dodge... However, holiday's around here are like excuses to go crazy... If it isn't the anxioty of the company, its the conversation you fear to have... I want nothing more then my son to remember Holidays with the family, and Grandparents, and Happy and Fun... And he does Love all the People, getting together, and love everywere... But ya know... It about kills me anymore... I use to love the crap out of them.. But I don't know what it is.. I think my fear of close spaces sometimes has something to do with it, not being able to stay unattached to my Abrothers life... Or Lack there Of... I know I can close the door, but it is ALWAYS back in my face... My family (to whom I consister to be) Mom, My Big Sis, Me, My Abrother ALL have been "All We Had" for so many years, so our holidays have always been about getting that Time together... Just the 4 of us.. And now for the sake of our 4 children... I guess I am still just drained trying to grasp... 

Then I think... Maybe it isn't the Holiday at all... Maybe it is the 1st Easter without my AFather... Not that we ever did Anything "special" but we would sit on the couch and watch old westerns, and the Golden Girls :) But I do miss it already... I have spent all week screaming and yelling to my Afather in Heaven.. Slammed his picture down the other day because I couldn't even look at it no more... :( Not one of my more proud moments in life... And now i am so pissed at myself for acting like a child to someone that is no longer here to blame or accuse of anything...

I worried all last week when this began to surface again with my Abrother, if my father would think that I was doing right by him.. Not that he "always" did right by me, but he was still my father... I guess it is just time for me to remember those hugs again, and take my mind to a better place for a while... I have alot of emotional things going on right now, (abrother drama, Sick Uncle, My "Only" Grandma Movin across country, Nieces & Nephews goin out of state for 2 weeks, work slow, husband bored :( ) pretty much all things out of my control but sill in my mind with in my family, and home, and it is all coming to a head, and I don't know what I fear the most, the beginning or the end... I know I am not to project, and I know to stay in the Now Of it all... But I drift it seems more so on weeks were it has been nothing but a struggle mentally and emotionally... And then today... LOL... I read my books & In My "Hope for Today Book" made me smile for this little Quote: "Worry is like a Rocking Chair.. It gives me something to do, but gets me No Where"... Hummm did I need to hear that one... LOL

Well if that is true... Then the way I see it, Dad is just goin to have to except that I am doing the best I can, and Abrother is going to have to do what ever it is he does on a regular basis, and fight his own demons... I hate to remove myself from his presents, but ya know, after Easter, I would say the next holiday I have to see him will be the next time I HAVE to see him...I am going to get buzy on working on ME, I am going to attemp to walk the steps at a pace only I can appriecate... And that is going to be that... I can not keep throwing myself under the bus... I am Justified in my anger, I am Strong Enough to Survive, and I am Powerful Enough to get it done...My New little chant is "I'm Goin to Pray On It, Stay On It, And Survive" that is now my cause... Nothig more nothing less..

As for the update on yesterdays visit to Abrothers home to see his children before they left to go to Fl. I think I did Quite Well... I can't say he felt as good... I went in, sat with the kids at the OPPISITE side of the room, I talked to them, focused on them and could not even look at him..Could not speak, you could see it was bothersome to him, but being the "A" that he is, he knew it would end confritational...He ask my mother to take him mile up the road for smokes, me and my son, gathered the kids, and took them out in the yard and kicked the soccer ball around for  awhile... When he came back, he then joined the game, with the boys, and me & my neice walked down by this little stream so she could tell me her 'stories' of life that I love so much.. :) She is 6.. But has it all figured out God Love her... When I went back up, he was getting his 20 minutes of fame for being father of the year, since I forced his children to go out side and do something, and the more he laughed and spoke to the kids, the more I wanted with all my heart to go over, and (Shake him and say.... Can't You See Your Worth In This MOMENT, in the smiles on your childrens faces)... But... I minded my own business... As I avoided him with every piece of my being... He knows, I was not approaching him for the Usual Hug I have always, for I honestly didn't have the strength... He stopped me at the car door, Flashed his "I'm Really Sorry, But I can't Say it Face", wrapped his arms around me, and told me he loved me, and mumbled..Love ya 2.. And that was the contact, we pulled out... I cried the hole way home....

Came home... Ask my SIL if she would drive to our childrens game that night, because I was completely Whooped of energy, and once she got us there, I spent the next hour, cheering on my sons time.. While releasing so of the Stress that had been weighing me down all day... (:So I was the Laugh Mom:) lol... But once I hit my pillow it all went on to HP, and I woke up this morning... Here but still not full of "piss n vigour" as my Grandma would say, but I am HERE, I am TRY'n, I am Still Kick'n... Just slower... But Just for Today :)

Pray'n on It , Stay'n On It, And I will Survive It... Course Set...
Thanks for lettin me share... :)
Love & Prayers
Jozie