The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I cannot stop crying again. I have now started to see a therapist again. My A blames me . I have expressed how depressed I am. Its my fault. My A drinks more tonight and argues with me that my attitude is bad. I am accused of seeing someone else. I answer, how could I with NO FRIENDS My A drinks and smokes more this moment. I better improve i am told. I long for someone to put their arms around me and tell me I am ok and they love me.
but i dont have that and i cant. i keep asking God to take me but he doesnt. He just puts me in more places to help others but not myself.
Lonelyness is a quiet death. I guess I am dying in my own way. Just realized this as I write this.
Are you going to face to face Alanon meetings? You are NOT alone. Make a call, go to a meeting. The Getting Them Sober books are really helpful. Your A is an A and it is the disease talking. The 3 C's are - you didn't cause it, you cant control it, and you can't cure it. Take care of yourself. Ask you higher power for serenity, solace, and guidance.
Hi, its hard for me to get in the car and go to a meeting . I am so very depressed, I dont want that to get in the way although i know that P2P at a real meeting would be good. I may be accused of all the things again. Most i can say is that I will try.
Hi Spirit, I am so sorry you are in this painful place. I agree that the Isolation, and constant negative abuse that are the result of living wih active alcoholism, is a death of the mind and spirit. I know it is hard to go to F2F meetings right now so please try the meetings held here 2xs a day or go into the chat room anytime and talk. You are a Beautiful Spirit and are not alone. Many of us have felt as you do and we understand as few others can.
Please reach out here and post your heart out. Read the posts of others in the same place as you are and know the the tools of alanon, just reaching out and expressing how you feel are very powerful.
You deserve a good life and a home where you feel safe and at peace.
Please keep coming back and know I am praying for your peace. PS I am from NYC as well, There are a great many meetings Here- Morning. Afternoon and Evenings. Please see if you can find it in yourself to attend.
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 5th of April 2009 11:44:51 PM
NO one and I mean NO one is worth praying to die for , this is his disease leave it with him where it belongs . Perhaps u can find day time meetings that way no one but u will know your going , for now it could be the perfect answer . Louise
I know how much you are hurting. Plenty of us have been right where you are. I promise you, you will get better. But you have to make the decision that your life is more valuable than his disease. I remember isolating myself. Not going out to dinner with friends because I was afraid he would drink. I stopped doing the things I loved. This fearce, independent, strong woman was dying inside for his disease. That is until someone gave me awake up call. They told me that they didn't recognize me. They suddenly didn't know who I had become.
I always told my AH that I would gladly give up a kidney, jump in front of a car and do what I could should he be taken ill. However, I WOULD NOT DIE FOR HIS ADDICTION. I loved my husband more than life itself. But I did not and would not die for his disease. But until that friend kicked me in the pants, I didn't realize it was happening. The only way I could make sure that didn't happen, was to get myself to some meetings. Alanon was my lifesaver. It can be yours.
This past week I have seen so much death and destruction. I live in the area where a gunmen killed 13 people and then himself. It was my anniversary and I miss my husband very much. There were times when I felt like crawling under and rock and staying there. But as this past week has reminded me, it's too short. It can be fleeting, unpredictable, and mean. But it is also glorious, funny, and incredibly loving. Life goes on and I want to be a part of it.
The beauty of this program is that I am not alone in my grief. I can go to meetings. I can come here. I can go into the chat room. You will make friends. You will know that you are not alone in this journey. All you have to do is to get in that car and go. Isn't your life worth that drive? Do you really want to continue to feel miserable? I doubt you do. You have a lot to offer. You have a lot to be proud of. Remember we love you just for being you. You can do this, of that I am sure. Just don't give up hope. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
With a name like Spirit, we all know that you have strength... When I first came to this board, my name was "Missing out"... I don't have an Ahusband, but I was raised in an Ahousehold, my father is an A, grandparents, and now siblings... and I TOO Was until i desided what was important in my life, and what was not...
I am currantly married, but have had MANY Abf in the past that have giving me the same hoplessness that you are feeling. it is easy for them to blame you, for it take the attention off of them... Just know that nothing he says, "Is about YOU"... All his words are the disease speaking not the man you fell in love with... That is a hard one to chew on I know, it isn't any easier when it is your father telling you those things, BUT... There is ALWAYS a silver lining to look forward to in Al-anon...
You will find ALL the love & support you need right here, till you deside to jump on your path to recovery... As for him telling you your cheating or seeing someone esle.. You know the truth, so no since get'n in a piss'n match with him over it...
What helped me when I first got here was the Serenity Prayer... "GOD Grant me the Serenity to Except the Things I CAN NOT CHANGE, The Courage to Change the things I CAN, and the Wisdom to know the differnace..." I would repeat that in my head 50 times a day... if that is what i needed... YOU Can not Change the A, the A has to want to Change himself... But You can Change YOU, and how you look at him, when he starts his rants... Go gentle on yourself, post and read as much as you can... See you are not the only one here feeling the way you do... We have ALL had those moments, but try to remember... "This to Will Pass"... I remember being mad for Weeks about something an Xabf would say to me, now since Al-anon, I have learned to recover quickly, and allow them to have their own space to do as they please... For it is Really NONE OF MY BUSINESS... What they Think or Feel... I can only control my own thoughts and feelings...
You will get there... Just try and take it ONE DAY AT A TIME, and remember in Al-anon... It is Progress Not Profection... So don't get discouraged, just find your courage within... And we all LOVE YOU HERE... SO Keep Coming Back... It works if YOU Work it!!!
Love & Prayers... Friends in Recovery TOGETHER Jozie... :)
Oh Spirit. I hope you believe me when I tell you it is NOT your fault. Because if you had the power to MAKE him drink, you would use that power to make him NOT drink, you don't have that power. I didn't either.
My ex blamed me for all that went wrong in his life. He probably still does, I wouldn't know as I haven't spoken to him in 2 years, but I would hazzard a guess that all the bad in his life is my fault. Before it was my fault, it was all his first wife's fault and before her, it was his mother's fault.
You're A is nothing unique. He is simply an A. A verbally abusive A and his disease has greatly impacted you. I too, prayed to never wake up again. I really didn't feel like I could make it thru the pain.
But I got my butt to f2f meetings and I cried and I whined and I said insane things and those people hugged me and told me I would be ok and to just keep coming back. It works if you work it. Don't use your A's empty voice to stop you from getting the help and solace you deserve. Your A is NOT your HP, take him off the alter (as a very wise sponser told me once) and put HP back up.
The doors of Alanon are awaiting you with lifelong friends and understanding inside. If you are to be accused of things anyway, you may as well get accused while empowering yourself. Right?
Many times an alcoholic will attempt to make someone feel as low as he does via manipulation. Misery loves company in their world. Making someone else feel like crap allows them to think they aren't so bad. Give his disease and his attempt to take you down with him a big cup of "hell NO!!" Begin to take back your power by finding a meeting.
Comes the Dawn
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats With your head held up and your eyes open, With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child
And you learn to build all your roads On today because tomorrow's ground Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have A way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine Burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate Your own soul, instead of waiting For someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure....
That you really are strong That you really have worth. And you learn and learn.... With every goodbye you learn. by Kara DiGiovanna
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
((((spirit)))))))))) Hugs to you. God is there, going through it with you, my friend. Are you getting to meetings and talking to members. I totally relate to your lonliness and depression but know that it's not your fault. Living with an alcoholic is to live with a deluded deceived person. We get so used to it that we end up thinking like they do to. I recently kicked out my husband and have been able to see how deluded and depressed I was. (not saying that's what you should do). Living with a drinker is a heavy ongoing daily durge. Remember this too shall pass. There is always tomorrow. Look for little things. Butterflies, a new bloom, a smiling baby sunshine after rain. A beautiful sunset..... Blessings to you and easy does it. Silverbrumby
Hi, I went to my first P2P alanon meeting last night . I have not been to a real person meeting for years. Just online. It was welcoming and people smiled at me for the first time in so very long I felt welcomed and i found my spirit lifted. I got enough courage to get my coat, keys and tell my A that I was going to the meeting. Of course after, "accused of seeing someone else" said in such a sad way. I had so much strength from your support here and at the meeting that I laughed at that statement (not in front of him though) ....first time I got to laugh at the A's stupid control statement. Thank you all...I will go again...
That is WONDERFUL... You are Finding your Spirit... I you are doing what you need too to take care of you... You knew the statement would come... But look already how far you have come... You found your strength, and courage in one night... GOOD FOR YOU
Keep up the Good Work, and Keep Coming Back...
Friends In Recovery Together:) Love & prayers Jozie
Thank you for coming back and sharing your ESH. I am so happy that your True Spirit was uplifted by the meeting. Please keep taking care of yourself One Day at a Time, and continue to share your journey with us.
too good to be true. at least i was able to feel good for many hours. Life without humor and love is starting with the A again. I can feel my good spirt trying to hang on...but it seems like its going now...until later.
