The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Before I go too far, I know Alanon is a program of attraction rather than promotion. But I had to come up with something for a subject line.
AA is very often a life or death choice for an alcoholic. It could be court ordered, or meetings are part of a rehab program of some sort. But for someone who has reached their bottom, AA offers a path to sobriety. If the newcomer is paying attention, he'll see people in the room with just a few days, a few weeks, a few months, a year or two, and long term sobriety. He can connect the dots. Sobriety is tangible - even if incomprehensible.
Alanon does not offer sobriety. It offers serenity. Something that may be a bit more difficult to convey. I can tell a newcomer to AA that if he doesn't drink today, he'll wake up sober tomorrow. I can guarantee that. Don't get me wrong, recovery in AA is a long and painful process. But it's possible to see results in 24 hours. In Alanon it's possible, but not likely.
We have all seen people who come to Alanon hoping to find out how to get their alcoholic sober. We've seen their disappointment when we tell them that's not how it works. We are not used to thinking of ourselves. Perhaps being an alcoholic myself, I already had a streak of selfishness - something I wish I could give a piece of to so many newcomers in Alanon, who walk out the door never to return.
I was thinking of making up a list of reasons I've heard for not joining the Alanon program. But that would be too contrived. There is one that is common to both AA and Alanon: "I can lick this thing on my own". In the case of AA, alcohol will win that battle - the A will be "beaten into a state of reasonableness" as the Big Book says. In Alanon, we're not the sick one (so with believe). We have all our facilities and our wits and our manipulation skills intact, and dammit, we're going to stay in charge and lick this thing. I don't know what causes us to let go of that idea. If there is an eye-opener, or just a matter of being worn down. And I've seen some of us worn down to where they look worse than the A in the depths of his disease, the look of despair is so strong.
Maybe it's the opposite; we know we are powerless over alcohol and the disease, and we have no hope or any hope we have is contingent upon the alcoholic's recovery, which we are powerless over.
I dunno. I have just been mulling this over for a while, and wondering why so many newcomers to Alanon vanish before the miracle. I also believe Alanon is like a chiropractic adjustment. Regular maintenance is a good thing, but a little goes a long way. Even if I can get my neck on straight for 15 minutes, and it pops back out by the time I slam the door on my car, the benefits will last for days, or even weeks. A first Alanon meeting can be a very powerful experience. You realize you are not alone, that there is hope, there is love in these rooms. So why not come back? Do we feel we don't deserve serenity? Is it still all about the A?
I do wish there was something I could tell every newcomer, that would be so profound that they would hear it in their head every time they thought of coming to a meeting. But then again, I was never much of a salesman. I can't even get my girlfriend to go to the chiropractor *once* even if I pay for it. Why can you sell a car, a house, an ipod, a cell phone, or an insurance policy - but you can't give away peace of mind, hope, and serenity? We can only share our experience, strength, and hope - and pray that a newcomer decides to stay and find their own serenity.
In the time I've been writing this, I'm starting to wonder if Alanon is really all that different from AA. The main difference I see is that for an alcoholic, the disease itself will eventually put an end to the misery. For the codependent, our misery can go on for a lifetime - whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. Whether the alcoholic is still alive or not. My primary A died almost 37 years ago. I'd love to say I've had peace and serenity since, but we all know it wasn't that way. I backed into Alanon because of my daughter and my ex-wife (not even an alcoholic). I ended up forgiving my father.
When you think of it, let's say the average alcoholic has 5-10 close family members and/or friends..... So logic would say that there should be 5-10 times MORE Al-Anon meetings than there are AA meetings.... In actuality, and I don't think this number is dramatically different by area, there are likely ten times as many AA meetings..... It does let you wonder how many "Al-Anons" are out there, suffering in pain...
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
You know, for some, it's not really all about the A, nor that we don't deserve serenity. Serenity IS a hard sell, especially for codependents-who in many cases haven't ever even seen serenity.
I have a hard time with a few things about alanon, I am one of those newbies who is desperately trying to hang on at least long enough that I can drag myself to a f2f.
One is that I sometimes feel like I am working on someone else's problem. And well, he's never worked on my problems, so this kind of feels like an extension of the overall problem. He's not working on his problem, and I am. (But I do understand that I'm not working on HIS problem, but MINE, it just doesn't feel that way sometimes)
The other problem I see is that there isn't much in the way of practical advice, just a lot of letting go. And that is SO hard. For everyone, not just those affected by alcoholism in some way. Letting go is tough, and some days it feels like that's all I have to do, all I get to do, all that will ever happen, I will just let go. He won't change, life won't change, I will just not get to feel in any way like he's EVER been held responsible for the things he's done, for the choices he's made, and I just have to forgive, forget, move on, let go, and that sucks. I am held responsible for my choices. Why isn't he? That feeling gets really old, and is hard for me to get past.
I don't want to control him, and I don't want to change him. I can't, I know, and I accept that. But the total lack of responsibility makes me really bitter. And that's hard to walk away from.
Oh, it also feels like Alanon is really asking you to give up hope. Not to get hope. It feels like you have to give up whatever hope you had for that relationship or person and replaces it with....um...
Well. I'm not there yet, so I don't know. Serenity? I am supposed to be serene? I don't know that serenity is even my goal. In fact, I want to be happy, and serenity doesn't evoke that for me. What is serenity, that you want it instead of happiness? Or is it supplemental? What is the goal here?
Wow. Guess I'm more angry still than I thought today. I am sorry. I didn't mean to hijack your post.
I just love analyzing. I love it more now because there is lots of real life experiences to draw solutions from than before I got here with no experience or education at all. "Dumb as a stick"!! When I found out that there isn't really that much difference between humans...mostly gender and age and put that together often with the recovery statement "I relate" I started to realize why things are and allow them to just be that way for today. Listening to others and asking myself the question "So how did you feel and react when you were in that situation?" brought me closer to the bigger group...human.
"...and I have found that acceptance is the solution to all of my problems" became my single solution because I learned there is no answer to the question why for a person unable to accept.
I have seen alcoholism take many lives of those who drank and those under the influence of those who drank...either directly or undirectly. I can remember vividly those stories about victims loosing their lives or freedoms and the only reason was they were "under the influence" of the influenced. Maddening and sad. I believe that the "hard sell" or "soft" is directly proportional to the need and willingness to end forever the spiritual death that came before I initiated the physical death. I stayed like many others because I didn't want to die insane. I left because of different reasons. I returned because the need to return increased and I was willing to do anything to gain and maintain my serenity.
I have had many members of the AA fellowship tell me that the "want what I have" and after some explanation they describe the tangible peace of mind and serenity I exhibit as a part of my personality. I tell them mostly that they won't find it in AA alone and that I didn't get in in AA. I was 9 years without a drink and in Al-Anon before I did my own assessment. It was the educated and experienced awareness of the reality of relapse toward insanity or death and caused me to enter AA.
Sobriety is a hard sell. "I don't want it", "I tried it and its not for me", "I'm different and..." "I don't like sitting in a group of people spilling there sins all over the place", "Thank God that when I needed to talk to another alcoholic we made the connection. I'd like you to stop and get me a bottle before I go to rehab." You guys have heard more...stuff I have never heard myself after trying to help another alcoholic divert from insanity or death toward the sobriety you now feel second nature to. And still others (candidates for both programs) window shop and go away without buying it. Some don't even come down to the display and the ones that reconfirm that what is most important is most important to us (tku HP) will raid the store for everything they can find and ask to see what's in the back room.
It won't be long before the steps and traditions of our daily practice branch out beyond as it already has AA. There are other organizations who have found the steps and traditions and philosophy of recovery and want to become "walkers" on a better path. Still many will turn away for many reasons. Will we be there for them? Giving and letting go...giving and letting go...giving and letting go. One of my sponsees last night had a brighter wakeup call regarding the 12th step. He has found that it has become intrenched into his behavior, thinking, feeling and spirit. Full circle and his awareness is that others, many others are attracted to him today.
AA has a much larger "ego" thumb print than Al-Anon. "Hi...my name is (so and so) and I am an alcoholic. Personalize the disease and become a member of the world wide fellowship. For me only I say "....I am alcoholic". There is nothing about my alcoholic personality and character that I would want to identify with today and outside of a sobriety chip that sits in my wallet I'm hardly definable as anything other than male and human. I doubt that I could sell either the before or after programs to anyone.
Give it away and let go. Turn it all over and keep coming back myself. Besides we are not the only source of recovery. Some don't come back because they are getting it from somewhere else. This is my choice. Someone else attracted me and I finally stayed until now. I believe that is my HP's will for me. "May I do thy will always."
Did that all without a beer between us. Go figure.
Look what you went and started Barisax!! I am grateful you did and I want to hear more from other members of this family and I want to hear more of your ideas, feelings and spirit after reading the responses here. I've heard open honesty and want to hear some more from other members!! Open honesty and lack of fear and mutual compassion and care. This is part of what sold me on coming back and sitting down and staying with commitment and building a relationship with my higher power stronger than the one I had with anyone or thing else.
I guess I would just as soon turn that all over to a power greater than myself. I cannot make anyone do anything and that includes sticking with al-anon.
As someone who entered the rooms in my late teens and left in my early 20's and returned in my 40's (for good), I think it just needs to be there for when we are ready.
Its all very mysterious to me-who gets what, when, if ever. I mean that about lots of things.
Which is why I say: I guess I would just as soon turn all that over to a power greater than myself! hugs, J.
Nice one , well for me its attraction . I wanted to learn to laugh like the people in my first meeting , mind u I thought they were nuts and wondered HOW can these people understand how I feel ? I stayed to find out that some were living my biggest nightmare and still managed to smile and find something to laugh about . >My best friend of `12 yrs at the time I entered this program is a prime example for me I joined the prog before she did and we found ourselves going in different directions , we simply could not be in each others company any longer we didn't know what to say , i was trying to change she was stuck , eventually there was little contact between us at all. >Here we go out for lunch after our Fri morning meeting , and we were laughing as ususal and just enjoying each others company , I hadn't noticed my friend was in the restaraunt ,she said she heard all the laughter and thought wonder who those people are ? on her way out she glanced our way and noticed me at the table and knew that it must be my new friends from the program . The next morning she was at my door in tears , fell into my arms and the rest is history . Laughter , learning to laugh at ourselves is a biggie for me . A very wise old timmer said to me Louise don't try to explain this program , don't waste your time defending it --- LIVE IT !!!!!
I dont know if some one mentioned this already, but as a newcomer who is hesitant, I can give MY reason for being that way. The main one is the idea that I might have to leave my wife. So far, most of what I have learned says something to this effect - if you are married to an addict, whether or not said addict is in recovery, you cant control or cure the addiction that indirectly affects you because you are ONE (in marriage terms). BUT, you do have a choice. You can choose to not be affected by leaving that person or try to stay and detach. I could be doing it wrong, but I think detachment might be pushing one or both of us closer to divorce.
I see nothing wrong with working on myself, but removing myself from my wife's problems because I cannot control or cure them, kinda feels like emotionally abandoning my marriage which may soon lead to separation.
Because she is in recovery and says she is working on it, I feel like may be it's not that bad even though I acknowledge there is a problem. I have to ask myself if detachment and eventually separation is worth it. Because I haven't found other solutions in Al Anon yet, I have to ask myself if Al Anon is worth it.
My hope is that I just haven't found the other soultions because I am so new at this. I dont want to leave before the miracle happens; mine or hers.
I do understand what you are trying to say. I live in a small rural town where alcoholism is a big problem. I go to AA and offer to hold an Alanon meeting. Only a two takers in a year. And that's ok. But I just wonder where they are and I know they are suffering like me. My problems are not all solved and I am still in pain and angry. But the program works in me that I express myself differently. I hope that I am kinder and gentler with my fellow man.
There are a lot of variables but I do think it's simple. People leave b/c they see the problems in someone else & they don't want to do the hard work of self-analysis. Plus they have to admit they are part of the problem, yes we get to swallow some bitter pills when we first get here but, it is also very empowering. We are told that if we change our attitude our lives will be better & it will aid recovery. I think that is saying a lot!!!
Sure it doesn't fit with our quick fix lives & mentalities... there is no pill to take or magic cure per se but knowing now, that my perception was causing the grief in my life ~ well, let's just say I look at problems totallly differently now. There are a lot of opportunities for growth!
-- Edited by kitty on Thursday 2nd of April 2009 09:09:19 PM
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Wow! That's a great post. I think it is like you said: sobriety is a tangible. You can feel sobriety (it may be ugly the first day or two, but you can physically feel it). With Alanon how do immediately feel serenity? Some can, I couldn't.
I had a rare experience with my first face to face meetings: they weren't welcoming. This particular group was bitter and angry and did not make me feel welcome. I am convinced they are using the auspices of Alanon to use it more as a venting session (which can be fine) rather than healing and recovery. I have gone back to see if it is any different and it isn't. I walked out of there feeling worse than when I came in. But I found another Alanon group and it was exactly what it should be. I found MIP and felt even better. I just didn't want to feel the way I was feeling anymore. Now for the life of me, I can't understand why anyone would want to continue to feel bad.
All I know is that I wanted to feel better. I wanted to find ways to be supportive of my A but not loose myself in his disease. I was loosing myself to his disease. I also didn't have 20 years of living with an alcoholic. So perhaps I wasn't as angry and confused as some who come are. I do believe that there are many codependent who are much sicker than their As. I was talking to a councelor who was a very bad codependent and what she told me was frightening. She said like the alcohoic she was involved with she only had 2 choices: recovery or death. She was that sick, physically and emotionally.
If I could tell a newcomer anything I would say "I know this all sounds confusing and over whelming. I know you're scared, but don't give up on this. The more you come, the better you'll feel. The confusion will pass. There's always hope."
I continue to come back because there's another A in my life. My brother in law and my sister is a codependent who chooses not to want recovery. So I have to be the example for my nieces. I am leading my older one to Alanon. I have given her recovery books. I can see her receptiveness to it. She's eager to learn and grow. I also continue it for my well being. The tools I have been given through this program will last me a lifetime. I can use them at any place and any time. That's a gift that keeps on giving. That's worth it all! Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
For me, what kept me coming back, aside from the hugs and unconditional love I was immediately offered, was the notion of "Take what you like and leave the rest".
When I first walked into that Alanon room, I was in such pain. Those lovely people gave me a warm welcome and lots of hugs. But I was thoroughly confused and overwhelmed by the tools they offered. It was like drinking from a fire hose. Thankfully, I was told early on to take what I liked and leave the rest. In essence - "Easy Does It".
This made it so much more manageable for me. It gave me permission to be skeptical and still teaches me how to trust. As time has gone on, I find myself taking more and more of the Alanon ideas and leaving less and less of them behind. And believe me, that is a VERY big deal for me!
I'm still learning and growing 8 years later. I have a long way to go, but I can see the progress I've made.
Thanks ((barisax)) for stirring the pot and keeping us thinking!
I agree. When I first walked into alanon I was sure I did not want Serenity!! It sounded boring and not anything I could use to enrich my life.
I wanted relief from the terrible pain that drove me, as a last resort to alanon.
I stayed because of the reading of the 12 Steps. The 12th Step promised me a Spiritual awakening if I practicd the preceeding steps.
I was always looking for guidelines that would work to change my actions/reactons. No self help book or councilling offered me concrete step by step tools and a fellowship to practice while I stumbled along learning.
When I found serenity and understood what it really was I was determined to never surrender it again.
One, everyone has heard of AA, and has a general idea that it's about drunks staying sober. There are a ton of misperceptions mixed in there too, but that general concept is out there. Regrettably, everyone has NOT heard of Alanon, and when they have, sometimes they think it's another name for AA. I did. So when I started coming, I was first of all coming off this "say what? It's not the same as AA?" thing. Well, we know that it IS in some ways, but it's not fundamentally about drunks staying sober, it's about family members of drunks and problem drinkers - sometimes generations removed - learning to live life in a way that feels better and produces better results.
The current Board of Trustees at WSO has as one of their goals to make everyone, everywhere, aware that Alanon exists and what it's for - so that if/when a problem arises, they know at least theoretically there's a place to go for help. I think a lot of people just don't imagine that there could be such a thing.
Two, a first alanon meeting is incredibly overwhelming. I remember having the distinct impression that I was hearing a foreign language, and how frustrating it was because all the words were English. I wasn't even able to articulate THAT until I'd been coming for several weeks. The slogans sound unbelievably hokey, the word "God" is tossed around like crazy even as people are insisting it's not a religious program, we're being told to work on ourselves when often if it weren't for us things would have collapsed already. From today's predominant cultural and societal perspective, alanon just plain doesn't make sense at first.
Three, I think it's easy... relatively easy.... to make some changes, have things get better, and believe that alanon is no longer needed. Things are better. To the person who left in this situation, alanon "worked" - it's just no longer needed. They just never got enough to realize that the potential for things getting better is greater - much greater - than the "better" that actually came about.
I spent a long time, a couple of years in, trying to figure out the very best thing to say to a newcomer. Ironically, the very best thing I could think of was - keep coming back. It really does work if you work it. Sometimes I try to say some of what I've said here, about the foreign language, and "god" being code for "higher power". I love what Karilynn said above.
For me, one of the first things that really grabbed me was the bit in the Opening that says - "we too were lonely and frustrated". I thought - how do they KNOW that? That kept me coming back. Also the bit at the end, which many oldtime members want to get rid of because they say it's "not alanon": "keep coming back 'cause it works if you work it so work it you're worth it". Well, it's been a part of MY alanon experience from the beginning, it put a smile on my face at the end of every meeting, and I had to come back to figure out what the whole phrase was. Today I go to one meeting that does it, and one meeting (with a former delegate) that doesn't, and I miss it at the one that doesn't.
After about 6 weeks - maybe a bit longer - that's when I started to figure out my week was mysteriously and in some unspecific way calmer when I had been to a meeting. That's when I started figuring out that I really was coming for me - although the benefit has extended to my spouse and our relationship as well.
Wow, I didn't realize how many responses there would be to my thinking out loud a few paragraphs. Good thoughts, from everybody.
As far as letting go -- I think when we're in a relationship with an alcoholic, it's like being a passenger on a motorcycle. The wilder the ride gets, the tighter we hang on. We only let go when the fear of going through one more Evel Knievel jump or ring of fire is greater than our fear of bouncing along the ground and having to walk home. When we finally do let go, the bounce is usually not as bad as we thought. A little time on solid ground and the idea of returning to perpetual motion sickness and abject terror no longer appeals to us.
WOW! I have never met/read anyone who felt exactly as I do til I read your post....I am with an A who is 22 yrs clean and sober but acts like a drunk...out of control angry, blames everyone else for everything wrong in his world. Every time we fight he says the problem is that I don't go to Alanon... Not that he needs to control his anger.
I too, feel like I am working on someone else's problem. Doing this for him and I resent him for it. He supposedly works on his problem by attending a meeting almost every day if not twice a day, but nothing ever changes - he doesn't truly work the program (AA) when it comes to me or our kids. He is controlling, bossy, judgemental. (Blames my 7 year old and her temper tantrums for the problems in our marriage) Can't stand that I volunteer at our children's school...I could rant forever...sorry! In the end I have always forgiven and moved on. To me there is no serenity in divorce. I am fighting to keep my family together, but I see his behavior affecting the children now and can no longer ignore it.
I have always felt the way you do. Alanon seems to me to be a last resort. When you can no longer deal with the crap of the A in your life you turn to Alanon for support in letting go. It seems to me Alanon should be more like a therapy session with a trained moderator. We all know we can no longer deal with someone in our life behaving badly. I went looking for advice, but no one is allowed to give advice.
I told my A that I had been attending a meeting today. When I got home he wanted to know if I enjoyed it!!! He was making it sound like a party. He doesn't even realize how desperate I feel even though I have told him. He thinks I am doing this for him. My response was " I don't feel comfortable talking to you about this." He preaches alot and I just didn't want to listen. Had to remind him this was about me not him and I was setting boundries and he had no choice but to accept my boundry. He got angry.
