The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new here and need some help. I have a session with my AH and his rehab counselor tomorrow. What should I say or should I keep quiet and just listen? Do I believe what he has to say? I'm not sure if its ok to articulate how confused and disappointed I am, or should I try to stay positive and try to move ahead?
AH is anxious to leave by day 23, he doesn't think he will get much more out of the sessions. He wants to be home with us for Easter and says he is ready to commit to a program when he comes home. Should he come home or stay for the full 30 days????
Dosent want to stay ? sounds dangerous to me but he will ultimatly make the decission . tomorrow is your oportunity to talk about you and how u feel about his choices , and how they affected you . Its not about blame it's just u finally will be heard with a mediator to keep it calm , its a safe place to share your fears . and remember nothing u say or do will make him drink , that will be his choice . your simply not powerful enough to make anyone drink . How do u feel about him comming home early from is treatment tomorrow is the time to share it . goodluck Say what u mean- mean what u say- but don't be mean when u say it .
Honesty works well all the time. Saying "I am really so new to this rehabilitation program and don't know what to say or expect" is very honest.
If you stick around here you will hear our Experiences with the disease. Still you are new to MIP and our experiences might not be so easy to accept and be helpful. One thing I learned in Al-Anon was be honest about right now and "keep it simple" which is one of the program slogans. Go with simple and honest and see what happens.
Being at home with the family is not the best excuse for leaving rehab. He's too new himself and 23 days is only enough if that might be all the time he has drinking and/or using. Chances are he's been out there for a while so 23 days is nothing to the disease however "letting go and letting God" does make us open to miracles. I've been wrong before don't you know.
Keep coming back and ask his counselors what they know about the Al-Anon Family Groups and do they have a meeting list for your area.
I think the best thing to do is to be honest with yourself. Things like "When you drink, I feel...." Or "I feel that your drinking has caused...." Or "When I hear you say....what I hear you saying is..." Or "When you behave like...[be really super specific here], I feel/it effects me in that...." These kind of things allow you to be honest with your loved one while totally owning that "These are my feelings. This is how I feel. This is what I see and experience." There's going to be someone else there, so if you start getting attacked, you could say "When you respond to what I say with....I feel like...." If nothing else, give yourself credit for showing up and being honest.
Maybe the counselors will prompt you as to what you can and should say. What about writing down your feelings so you have that paper with you. I do believe him wanting to leave so soon is a very dangerous sign. I have lost two very important people due to alcoholism and I've seen many recover and not one of them wanted to leave their facility.
That kind of confrontation that you are going to experience tomorrow is painful but healing. In my experience it was helpful to write everything down. That was what my counselor asked me to do. For example I wrote:" On Dec 24th you came home drunk. It hurt me to see you drunk in front of our family and I also felt embarrassed of your behavior. I felt bad cause you were not able to enjoy opening presents with us cause you were drunk. " I had 8 pages front and back and he sat there and listened to all of it. Like abbyal said, say what you mean, but don't be mean. Get it out but don't be bitter about it. Good luck. I know it's gonna be hard but when it's done you are gonna feel liberated in away.
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Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.
Thanks for your help. The session went better than I expected.
I went into the session and let him talk. He said a lot, some old news, but a lot of new stuff which made me hopeful. For once, there was ownership, accountability, analysis of his actions and their impact on us. I have not heard these things before.
When I spoke I followed your advice and kept it really short and to the point. I went for 3 strong positions/points and left the rest on the table for another session. I thought it was important to walk out of the session hearing what was different about him, rather than taking more about how he hurt us. He has heard all that before and has to live with it.
At about 4am this morning I woke up and decided that going AMA was not an option for "the family". At the end of our session, I just told him and the counselor that I thought he needed to stay and get the most out of every day he was there. I also told AH that I needed the 30 days to give myself and the kids time to heal and have some peace. Surprisingly he agreed, I think talking about the progress he was making gave him some clarity about how important it is to stay. Let's hope the insurance folks don't screw it up ;)
We are going to visit with the kids on Sunday and I will have another family session next week so keep me in your prayers and any guidance would be appreacited.
I'm so happy for you and for your AH about his decision to stay. Hope he really makes the most of his time there, but no matter what, keep coming back. And keep us posted.
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Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.
I have not had first hand experience with this but here is a pattern I have noticed: the longer they stay in rehab, the better the outcome.
Just my observation over the 3+ years in the program. I have known some families who can afford the longest and most intensive rehab- (2+ years) and I have seen that it often works out the best; especially w/youth and teens and younger people.
Its sad because most families/people cannot access that kind of rehab. Wouldn't it be great if there was some assistance?!
Could staying too long be a problem?! I don't think so...Jean
