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Sadly, two days ago I got the dreaded phone call from the old ex partner, her chance to get back at me after 7 years...she told me lots of things, some i think were lies some I dont, but she had me in tears for two hours so well done her.Anyway she did tell me that my AH apparantly thinks that Im cool about our split, Im fine. Im staggered by this delusional comment, does he really believe that his terrible behaviour, the shock, betrayal, cruelty and lack of care he has shown has not had an impact on how I feel about him leaving and about how I feel about him, it seems not. It also seems that he has wherever possible, blamed me for things, even that he hadnt given money to his ex for her daughter, whom i cared for deeply and was always spending money on whenever she came here which was fortnightly. I notice that now he has money and Im no influence, he has still failed to provide, just gone off abroad. If the ex partner thought about it, she would realise that was a lie, but why was I such a monster in his eyes.....The ex partner said that her daughter was very upset at not seeing me again and asked her dad when she would see me, he doesnt care about that, but if the ex partner wanted to pick up the pieces with me, she went about it all the wrong way. I hate to say this but if i see his daughter just like before, he will not have to take any responsibility for what he has done, his abandonment of everyone he says he holds dear and the destruction of a life shared and important to others. I cant see his daughter for my own sanity but Ive had to ask the ex partner not to contact me again because her desire to hurt me was all too obvious, im sure she couldnt help it, she always hated me and always wanted him back (i was not the reason he left). I feel terribly guilty that my step daughter has to suffer but the life she knew with me is no longer there, the pain of spending time with would be too much for me and Im not responsible for her, sadly nor it seems is her father. I cant feel quilty but I do, I have enough grief on my plate and a continued connection with his ex partner would not help me. What a mess he has left behind and he thinks its all cool!!
I can only give you my ESH. When I'd had "enough" of the ex A and we had nothing else to settle I stopped talking to his friends and family. Before then I set limits.
I put a lot more effort into taking care of myself.
No one really knows how your A feels. If you go to an AA meeting you'll see a lot of alcoholics in denial about the pain they caused, the devastation they caused. In fact in most shares they itemize how they destroyed their lives but don't say much abou the people around them.
When A's are using they can't see the pain they have caused us. It is a very selfish disease - it makes them think they are the only ones in pain or having any complications... even when they are the ones blaming us for their troubles - u know I think they actually believe their own delusional minds & the lies they tell themselves. It's like they convince themselves of this false reality & that is what they are going on -- their sick sick minds are running the show & reality for them. They truly believe they are victims of life & that they are unilaterally alone. If only they could see they are doing it to themselves.
I got foucsed on my life - let them have all their issues & circumstances & stopped trying to relate or explain anything to an A in the throes of their addiction.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Good for you for set'n up boundry's... I am sure they are tough ones to set, but I agree that the only thing his "EX's" can bring you is more greif... Sounds as tho you have had your fill of that already...
Putting the focus back on yourself, is always the best way to go... He walked away easily and left you will alot to handle emotionally with out a care in the world if he was to be like ANY of my Ex A's... When i was younger I think I dated All A's... Wanted them to be just like my Afather I suppose... Like my life wasn't hard enough...lol...
My H now is not so much an A, but he has "Binge" moments that I could do without, but does not drink on a daily basis, but if there is something on his mind, that he can not control... "Usually every 4-6 months, he will go on a good one for a night...Then take about 3-4 days to sober up out of his fog... It use to be more then that, but I had to set a few "Boundrys" way back when as to when my bags would be sit'n as the door, and when his would be in the yard...lol... So far so good :)
You have a chance to "Start Over" ...In Al-anon, it taught me that everyday is a new day, so Everyday, you can Start Over... I hope you find your happiness you seek within yourself, that you so deserve... :) Keep Coming Back... It works if ya Work it :)
I know this is tough but please don't take it out on the daughter especially if she wants to continue a relationship , he isn't going to learn responsibility anyway and to the daughter u will simply be another person who abandoned her , this is about you and the daughter -- period . If you enjoy your time with her keep in touch you won't be sorry . Louise
Abbyal, I appreciate what you say, but please dont think Im taking it out on my step-daughter, that just adds to the guilt I already feel. She is only 11, I cant have contact with her without her mother, who is in touch with my AH because of their daughter, she will tell me anything she thinks will get to me, she is also very angry with him, understandably, but I cant handle that or having contact with her. Im sorry but this isnt about me and her daughter, its about making it possible for me to move on. Most people would not recommend having much to do with people still linked to that person, I obsess enough and I didnt say what she had said to me to hurt me, but believe me, I wouldnt want any more of that...I have to detach...
My reaction is similar to abby's - is there any way there could be a last visit with stepdtr, tear-filled on both sides I'm sure, but to honestly explain to her that it's not about her, she's a darling girl and you love her dearly, but you just cannot be strong enough to go through her mother to see her? 11 & 12 is so hard anyway... any way you could even WRITE to each other? even email? Any possible alternative where you can protect yourself without abandoning her?
Thank you for your thoughts. I have spoken to my sister in law and I will get to see my step-daughter at some point...perhaps not here at the house but for lunch or something and i will take our dog along - i know they will be very pleased to see each other..i dont know when this will be, but at least it will happen sometime and I can show her how much I still care.. which I do.
