The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have ten years with a very functional alcoholic who finally was forced by an ultimatum to enter rehab on 3/19. As background, he decided to get loaded and blow off picking his 6 year old daughter up at the bus. Oh BTW...he decided to pull this stunt on my 3rd day of work at a new job.
I am trying to detach from his choices, but it annoyes me when friends and family say they feel bad for him. From where I sit, he made these choices himself and being away from his kids, risking his job, missing school, missing my birthday and Easter isn't sad...its his own fault but I have to deal with the carnage he left behind.
I am also pissed that when he gets home we have to tailor our lives and schedules to his "needs".
Sorry but I'm under tremendous pressure with little help. My emotions are raging and I really would love to believe he is going to change back to the wonderful guy I fell in love with (he didn't drink then), but my heart tells me he is selfish and weak. I know its a disease, but his last episode was so clearly an attack at me I really believe its less disease and more passive aggressive behavior on his part.
Welcome to the MIP Family. You are in a place where you will be heard by people who have experienced the same feelings of anger, resentment and fear caused by this diseases.
You are not alone. While your husband is in rehab, this is a perfect time for you to seek out recovery for yourself. Alanon offers simple tools to enable you to be able to recover from the devastation of living with alcoholism.
Coming here and posting how you feel was a first big step.
Please keep coming back and posting, Read the board and you will find many dealing with the same problem and the recovery actions they are taking to get themselves better.
Alanon has face to face meetings worldwide. Please try to get to several meetings this week. You will find a HOtLine number listed in the white pages of the telephone directory.
You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be able to focus on your new job without worrying about what is happening outside your job. Alanon tools will get you there and more.
Please keep coming back
I am praying for your family
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 30th of March 2009 08:26:58 PM
I completely empathise with you. I am 2 years out of a relationship. Last night I had a dream where I completely "saw" how the ex A was willing to throw our life away at any moment for a dui or whatever else he did (he could have been found with possession). I am very angry too.
You can use your anger to take care of yourself. You can also get solace, love, understanding and compassion at al anon. Detaching helps. When people start talking about him change the subject. I no longer even entertain speculation about the ex A.
Detaching is a tremendously hard thing to do at first because of course there is rage. Rage can be useful in learning better boundaries, setting limits and making time for yourself.
I know I am just learning about this process but I do have a question. When I think of detachment, it makes me wonder whether I should just leave with the kids and keep the relationship at arms length. If I stay and remain detached, am I still "in" the relationship in a vested way that a spouse should be? I struggle with what the right choice is for my kids and me primarily. I am willing to give him the chance since this is his first rehab, but honestly I don't think I could be married to him and be in detach mode for the remainder of our married life.
At the beginning of your post you said, "i am tired of everyone feeling sorry for him".
This week I am practicing BIG TIME on anominity. I believe that the more I practice this, the less others will know around me and it won't be such a big focus on my life anymore. Looking back, most of my conversations with everyone have been my A this, my A that, everything my AAAAAAA. So I decide not to give anyone the power of feeling sorry for him or judging me by practicing anominity.
I understand your concern regarding detachment and staying in the marriage forever in detached mode.
Alanon suggests that you do not make any major changes in your life for the first 6 months. This is so you can find some clarity for yourself and decide what is right for you and your family. Attend meetings, try to Live One day at a time, Do not project into the future or visit the past. Focus on your self and your feelings and most importantly get to Face to Face meetings.
Post here often and make a daily gratitude list.
Detachment is a true gift of the program. It simply enabled me to not take on the negative attitudes of others and to act and not react to situations in a constructive manner.
Please just keep coming back and sharing
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 30th of March 2009 08:25:22 PM
I hope some of the others post about this double-edged sword of staying in the marriage and remaining detached. Some choose to do it and some do not. Each of us need to decide for ourselves. Its a very personal decision and a grave one. No one can tell you what to do or what is best for you- only you can figure this out.
For me, I needed to sit on the fence for around 3 years. Then one morning I woke up and BINGO- the decision was ready to be made like a pizza ready to come out of the oven! HA!
In time, things will become clear to you. I do not know how long it will take for you- we are all different. But just for today, make no choices until you get some time in the program. They recommend 6 months but to be honest, I would say give it a year but that is just my opinion. Each situation is different even though so many of our stories are exactly the same. I needed to be REAL SURE before I chose. I got real sure. I chose. Simple. Keep coming back!
You absolutely can have detachment & still be in a loving relationship with someone. The sort of detachemnt we talk about here -- is about not being emotionally enmeshed anymore.
It means you are autonomous & free from being held hostage by the other's emotions. I had to work on simple, basic (outer) boundaries for a while b4 I could tackle my inner boundaries. Inner boundaries mean that it doesn't ruin my day if my a uses or not; if they are in a foul mood - I can still be ok/happy in spite of their world crumbling in chaos - it is a perception, after all.
In the past (i was so codependent on my mother) I could tell when she was in a bad mood, telepathically. I was so in tune to her & she was the center of my life. But it was sick emotional enmeshment. Like I had no sense of myself.
It doesnt mean you dont love them or care but that you are able to not fixate on them & focus on living your own life, giving your human walk the attention it deserves. A's feed off of our energy. I had to learn to stop willingly giving my awareness, attention & energy to them & to put my energy back into me - focus on my own mental health, since that's all I can control anyway.
All that time I was watching, baby sitting my A's -- I was not living my own life. I was consumed by theirs. Once I realized how I was wasting my life in this way -- it was no contest -- I got busy in my own head. At first it felt, powerless & helpless (not being able to help anyone else & surrendering to that fact) but I can appreciate my own hard work on my behalf, I can be happy with the choices that are good for me & take comfort in loving myself. It is a real blessing/miracle. I spent so long being a "slave" to other people's moods, whims.
I am pretty sure, alanon has some CAL approved literature on detachment, it might help.
The truth is, we all are on this human walk, where we live our own lives but we are all together in this -- YANA you are not alone.
Perhaps outsiders feel bad for him b/c they can see that he is doing it to himself. I mean, it looks so straightforward for them (at least to a non-A) - we just wonder why they simply don't just stop using. It is a problem I can't relate to. Remember that A's are users, liars, master manipulators. They lie to themsleves & getting others to feel sorry for them, is just their typical behavior. They are doing what they do. Today, you have choices - you can focus on you, instead.
-- Edited by kitty on Tuesday 31st of March 2009 10:53:18 AM
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
