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Not sure what it is but today I just feel overwelming alone, for the first time in awhile. I think a lot of it may be the situation with EXABF, (and my son leaving for camp for a week is taking a toll too). I haven't been handling that well and have not been able to achieve the detachment that I know I need to have with him. I allow him and his decisions and his boundaries or control techniques or whatever they are to decide my actions, and I HATE IT! But I don't feel confident in my ability to detach and break the cycle. I feel almost like a puppet at times and was once the most independant woman alive. His actions show me nothing, his words say nothing, and I genuinely think to him it's like he would just assume forget that the entire past we had existed and move on from here, but I can't just pretend nothing happened. I don't trust him at all. I feel he is controlling, and I don't feel comfortable talking to him about any of my feelings. I have no support system it seems as far as anyone wanting to see him and I back together......My BF hates him, my son dislikes him, my mother said she wouldn't wipe her @## on him, my other BF was blown away that I would even SPEAK to him again, I don't trust him, I can't talk to him, he shows me nothing to lead me to believe that he has ANY faith in us working this out, or that he even has a desire to, and I love him but I don't really like him much today. I'm not happy, and can feel depression seeping back in to the point that I am thinking about going back on my meds for it, and I KNOW that the majority of it could all be solved if I could just somehow learn to DETACH from it all including him, but I just can NOT grasp that tool. I think I have it then it is gone again. I'm staying with my program as best as I can, and really reading alot this week too. I KNOW in my heart that if I just let go and BREATHE that HP will put me right where I need to be, but it is just soooooo hard......for me letting go is just like giving up. And I spent months struggling and wanting EXABF and I to try again, but didn't think it was going to be like this. I thought it would be easier for me. thanks for letting me share shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
I think it is painful to relate to someone who is patently self destructive. Nevertheless some people do get sober. There is a bottom for some of them. When they do some of them can relate better.
I relate to it feels like giving up, by letting go ~ but what u do is choose yourself. Unplug from him & plug into you. When I did that, everything changed for me.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Some days are just bad despite all the hard work you've been doing for your recovery. On days like this when you feel nothing but despair, accept it for what it is, a bad day
Letting go is not easy, it doesnt happen over night. Some days I'd think I'd managed it only to be pulled right back in by the slightest thing. For me denying the reality of my relationship kept me trapped in it. When I looked at the truth of it all and not the fantasy, there wasnt much there to stay attached to.
On days like this Shelly dont beat yourself up. Its a transitional stage and you will come through it all in good time. Your HP is guiding you through. Keep the focus on you, dont waste all your energy on obsessing. I say that because its something I have done and it only makes you ill.
Plan some good stuff that will keep you safe and happy whilst your son is at camp. Make the most of every day, as today is the only thing we can be sure of.
