The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday I was leaving work and a friend called me to tell me that my AH's roommate (we don't live together) called her husband to ask for help cause my AH was talking funny and unintelligeble. Of course I freaked and started crying and calling people to see who could go see what was going on. End of story, nothing happened, AH got ib the shower and felt better.
The thing is, I'm ALWAYS so scared he is going to die. It pisses me off cause he obviously doesn't care, so I'm the only one always thinking and having nightmares about it.
I read here a post that adviced that we need to live as if the A is dead already, makes sense, since we know that this is aTERMINAL disease. But I just can't do that!
Instead I'm always forgiving him and not telling him things like they are, cause I'm too scared that might be our last conversation. I feel I have to make teh most of my time with him when he is sober, so I keep getting sucked in his emocional rollercoaster. Meaning he stays with me and our daughter for the weekend and then dissapears for three days while he parties.
I'm sooo tired and sooo scared. I guess what happened yesterday made me realize I have such along way to go still and that I have NOT gotten over things I thought I did.
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Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.
Hi, Dont be so hard on yourself in Al anon we say progress not perfection. The fact that you are posting on here shows you are thinking of your own well being and moving in the right direction. I know your pain it is hard to watch someone we love battle with this disease but it is their battle. No matter what we do. Our responsibility is to meet are own needs especially if we have children to look after. I have been attending Al anon meetings for nearly 18 months and dont really know how I survived before I found this programme. Today if I am worried, scared etc etc. I read my literature, post on here, ring my sponsor or another Alanon memeber and I attend two meetings a week things are getting better and better. Please stick around it does work and things will get easier
It sure sounds like you are qualified to be here for me. I use to do that same stuff myself before making adjustments. As I see it maybe one of the slogans I was given when I first got here might work for you if you work it for yourself. "Don't React" is my best slogan because that is what I did all the time even before finding out what it was that I was reacting to. When I just reacted first I usually made the situation so much more insane for myself and then the anger got worse and the resentments and the promises to do it better if not different the next time and all sorts of other non-program stuff. I was a wreck!! She of course stayed with practicing her drinking in spite of my insanity which also drove her crazy too...LOL We all knew why she was sick but no one could figure out what the hell was wrong with me!!.
You are not responsible for the disease or it's consequences. Al-Anon's 3 Cs are helpful. You didn't cause it, can't control it and will not be able to cure it.
You already know that the disease is terminal or fatal if he continues to drink like he does. You can love him anyway. When I learned acceptance that what might happen might happen whether I liked it nor not (not required) I was able to let go of the fear that someday she might be dead from it. I was free to love her anyway and to have compassion and empathy for all who suffer from the disease including my self.
If you haven't found the rooms of Al-Anon yet, the face to face meetings try using the fear and exhaustion you feel from being tugged around by the disease to get there and follow the suggestions you begin hearing here and in the rooms. There is so much to learn that will give you your sanity and peace of soul back. There is a chair already waiting for you.
I am sorry you are going through this...keep coming back to meetings...you are in the right place in Alanon to learn how to take care of you. One of my reminder quotes is "if I have fear then I do not have faith in my HP"...in saying that If I notice I am fearful and worrying...I put those fears and worries in a Godbox...sometimes I leave them and other times I tend to take them back out...but I am working on letting go and letting God deal with what I am fearful of and turning the A's over to their HP. Prayers go up for you!! Remember: ONe day at a time...one issue at a time...the 3 c's...and Step 1-3
brightmommy
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"if you can't say nothing nice, don't say nothing at all!!"
The hardest thing we do is watch the people we love fade away from us. I never treated my A as if he was dead already. But I already accepted the fact that if he didn't get sober he would die. I was prepared for him to die of his disease. (What I wasn't prepared for was him to die suddenly of something completely unrelated as he did 8 months ago.) I had to go on with my life and do the best I could. I couldn't let the fear paralyze me because then I would be dying for his disease. I definitely wasn't going to let that happen.
Here's another example: my sister. My sister hasn't had a physical of any kind since her last child was born 13 years ago. This includes a mamagram, blood pressure, cholesterol and all those other exams that are important to a woman. This scares me to death. Heart disease, high blood pressure and diabetes run in our families. Clearly I can tell that she is overweight. Thank goodness she stopped smoking. She is also a codependent. I have begged her to get a physical. I have offered us to go and have a "girls day" with mamograms and a day of shopping. She's refused. She doesn't want to hear what her doctor might say. I have offered to go with her to my face to face meetings. She's refused. So hear I am fully prepared to get a phone call saying "Your sister has had a heart attack" or something like that. Even her children are at that point. One is convinced that she will not be there to see her graduate college lone enough med school.
It breaks my heart. But there is nothing I can do about it. I love her. But her recovery is her choice. She's an adult. Like an addict, if she wants to get help she will. All I can do is treat her with kindness, but not enable her. I no longer harp on her about going to meetings or the doctor. I have to turn her over to her HP, like I did with hubby and focus on me. It's not being cold. It's living my life. I have to do what is best for me.
Be gentle on yourself. Try not to let the fear get the best of you. I know it's hard. But like Jerry said try and take the energy that the fear is taking up and get to some meetings. It's a great place to let it go. It wil refocus it into more positive things. Recovery is about baby steps. Keep going forward. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I used to feel the same way about my a. That was the only thing that got rid of my bitterness and resentment toward him. I would still tell him things the way they were though and I would say you're killing yourself and I feel that this may be the last time I see you.... Maybe you just need to share and be honest with him that could actually help. I refused to argue as well I'll walk away or hang up the phone. Just my ESH.
Thanks guys!! I feel better today. My AH called like nothing happened and told me he wanted to see us today. Told him I was going out with a friend and he got mad. Too bad for him. Thanks for the kind words and understanding.
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Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.
