The material presented
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Hey y'all! I need some advice/experience. My husband is in rehab. Going on right about 48 hours. I wasn't expecting him to call me for the first 5 days but that is what i get for thinking I know everything, because he called. And boy was he mad! His treatment is competely voluntary. And he has been attending local AA meetings. But he hasn't missed a lick in drinking or pain pills either. I have a couple of questions?
First, he got hurt in November, had surgery on his knee. Should I call his DOC and tell him that my husband is a drug addict and to stop prescribing him pain pills? Would that be me trying to control it? Would that be harmful towards my recovery? I just dunno.
Second, I don't want him to come home right now. I know there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. He drove himself there and can drive himself right back. I told him this. And he agreed. But he is still there. So thats a good thing. But what am I suppose to tell him when he calls and is trying to muniuplate me into saying i miss you too i wish you were here and all of that kinda stuff? I don't buy it. I told him that I miss him too, BUT i was lonely when he was here, so there is not much difference with him not being here. At least I can sleep at night now.
I just don't want to say the wrong things. I want to be supportive, but not a cruch. I wish he had a stronger support system. I am his only support. I want him to have success. For him, not for me.
I have faith in GOD that I'll be okay. I just don't want to hurt him in my process of working my program.
Any suggestions?
OH..and I am going to an alanon retreat this weekend... SO i am really taking care of me.
I totally know where you are coming from. I never realized how hard it would be when the A goes to rehab. In terms of what to say or do... I don't think you should worry about hurting them. Worry about YOU and what feels right to you. This exact question is one of the reasons I am here and attending F2F meetings. Sounds like your weekend retreat is just what the doctor ordered! {HUGS}
Since we have come to realize that we are powerless over alcoholism or the alcoholic we also come to understand that to try to respond to the disease without knowing how is what our unmanagability is about. I had to learn how to stop patronizing and verifying my alcoholic so that she wouldn't feel sad, bad, angry, etc. I had to learn how to let her feel her own feelings including the one that said "Life sucks, I need a drink!". I had to come to the honesty that I didn't know how to respond in the disease and that I shouldn't...so just one of the things I learned was just how to listen without addidng my input and if she asked me how I felt or saw how bad things were going on I could say, "I don't know what to say about that", or "Let me think about how I see that". Sounds crazy but it was all in the lesson about letting go, letting God and Letting my alcoholic grope for her own recovery. I didn't know anything about alcoholism or recovery from alcoholism and had to be honest about it and just say so.
If you don't know if what you are saying is the right things...say..."I don't know about that." It's honest and simple.
Keep coming back...It works that way. (((((hugs)))))
Jerry had some great ideas. I would just like to respond to the portion of your post regarding calling his doctor.
Your husband is an adult and should be afforded the respect to consult with his doctor on his own.
WE must give the responsibility for recovery completely over to the alcoholic as it is not our place to call his doctor or interfere in his life.
I know it is hard, but this is why we are here in alanon . We must focus on taking care of our lives and hand the responsibillity for managing their own life back to the alcoholic.
He will learn in Rehab that he is responsible to advise any doctor or dentist treating him that he is an alcoholic.
Rehab is not easy. Being supportive could be simply saying "I know it is difficult being there but I am glad you are taking actions to get well."
Focus on that retreat and give your A over to HP- a power much greater and much more competent than you in dealing with this kind of stuff. HP KNOWS EXACTLY what to do when we do not. Delegate it all to HP. keep it simple. hugs, J.
Thank you Thank you Thank you... I'm not going to call the DOCs, you are totally right, and you know, I knew that....just get a little caught up in reacting. I'm so happy I didn't react and call.
And the advice on how to respond. PERFECT! I use it and I will continue to use it. I actually had "I know it is difficult being there but I am glad you are taking actions to get well." written on a piece of paper taped to my cell phone and said it a few times.
Thanks...again, now i am going to take a bubble bath. (that seems to be my favorite thing lately)
