The material presented
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This is the first time I have posted on here. I have replied to a couple others. I am pretty new to Alanon. I joined the chat meetings in December, but never really started working the program till about a month ago. And I think the past month I have done very well.
My boyfriend is my A. We have a son together. He has been drinking for 15 years; we've been together 3. Like everyone else I've always tried to control it and when one thing didn't work I would try much harder the next time. I continued doing that for over 2 yrs till I came here. I understand alcoholism a lot more.
He did cheat on me while I was pregnant and I only know because I got an std. He denied it for well over a year and then admitted it to me. Since this I have not had much trust in him. I often did accuse him of cheating again. Whether he was or not I don't know.
Well Saturday night he went out to the bar with his brother and didn't come home till 6am told me he was at a house party. He NEVER does this. Usually just goes to play poker at bar and at midnight when it's over he comes home. I was so hurt and didn't know what to do I thought he had cheated again. I did slap him once in the face in front of his sister and her husband and he hit me back.
He left and came home in the afternoon. Was being nice to me kind of. He went to store I asked him to get me cigs and would pay when he got home. He also brought home starbucks coffee for me. So I really thought he did something wrong.
I was in the shower and he came in and told me he did cheat. And it was my fault. I kept accusing him so after we got in a fight he left and slept with someone. I think he was really embarressed we actually hit each other in front of his family. He said he never wanted to hit anyone and I made him so mad he hit me. So went and cheated on me and it was my fault. Then he tells me he is going back to this girls house int he night and will be back in morning.
I told him I was sorry for hitting him and I didn't want him to leave. I want to work things out. He said he isn't sure he is hurt a lot from cheating on me because "i made him do it". I know I did NOT make him do it.
I laid in bed watching tv all day. he kept coming in just staring and me for a few minutes then would walk out. In the evening he said the nieghbors were coming over to play poker and wanted me to get dressed and go out and play with them. I told him I couldn't if afterwards he was going to spend the night with another girl. It's like he sat and tried to be nice to me. He didn't make it to this girls house. He ended up passing out on the couch.
I don't work and he does he said I could stay living here for free. He likes to take care of me. He has always had girls take care of him and like to take care of me. I told me it can't work like that if he is going to continue seeing this girl.
Then this morning he wanted to have sex and I told him I couldn't if he was going to be with someone else---yesterday he told me he wasn't going to sleep wiht me anymore (he was drunk). I just told him I loved him and couldn't deal with him seeing another women. He said I wont them and I asked him if he promised and he said I don't know.
So I need some advice on what to do. I know you can't tell me what to do, but I want him to stop seeing this girl. This is the only man I have ever loved and I don't want things to end.
Thanks for listening.
__________________
"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
One STD would be enough for me , what has happened to you that u think it's ok to treat you like that ? u deserve respect and fidelety in your life . It has happened twice it will happen again . he blames u for his lack of morals wow wouldnt that be great if we could do that ! keep going to your meetings melissa , when u have your self esteem and self worth back u will know that u deserve better . I don't mean to be harsh melissa but I have been where your at allowd that behavior way too many times , I am not judging you but I know the damage my ignoring it did to me and I know what it will do to you. He is a cheater plain and simple has nothing to do with you , I am with my husband today because he made a commitment to remail faithful , and that was along time ago to my knowledge it has never happened again .
-- Edited by abbyal on Monday 23rd of March 2009 05:32:30 PM
Thanks for replying. I know it's not okay for him to do this to me. And I know i deserve better; i've even told him this before. I don't know why I want to stay. I think it might be something to do with acoa and that my my drank so im afraid of him abandoning me. I don't know.
-- Edited by Melissa21 on Monday 23rd of March 2009 06:07:21 PM
__________________
"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
Melissia, I am so sorry to read about your pain. I know you are lost and confused. You are not responsible for anyone's action or their reaction. There is no way that you made him cheat. Just as I have learned I am not responsible for my daughter's drinking and neither did I cause her to drink.
Everyone is responsible for their own actions. It is common behaviour for an alcholoic to blame others for their actions.
You deserve better than this treatment. You need to ask yourself if this is the kind of life you want to live and most important, is this the kind of environment you want for your child.
I will remember you in my prayers and I wish you the best. Keep coming back to this message board. There are tons of wonderful people here that are always willing to listen.
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Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
I too am sorry for your pain. I am glad that you know you deserve better and are looking for answers.
You have come to the right place. Al-Anon has tools that will help you find your way to a better way of life. Please try making the time to get to face to face meetings (the number is listed in the local white page telephone directory), keep coming here and sharing and know you are worth it and you are not alone.
Melissa, have you ever thought of taking your precious child and starting a new life without this guy? He openly cheats, shared an STD with you, blames you for his infidelity, and exhibits other behaviors that leave you sad and defenseless. I cannot see a happy future for you with this man. Why would you want to remain in this terrible situation? Because you love him? I have to wonder what's to love. But then, that's just me I guess.
I wish you and your child all good things on whatever path life takes you,
Diva
Thanks for all the replies. I appreciate each one of them.
I have been thinking a lot about leaving or asking him to leave. Our lease is up in June. I just can't leave now because i haven't been working at a steady job making enough. He is the one paying the bills. Sometimes I think this is why he treats me like crap because he knows I have no where to go. And he knows I am almost done with school and that takes up a lot of my time so it would be really hard for me to finish school, full time job and care for my kids. My only option is my mom's house but I just moved out of there her and my brother are both A's.
And I know I wont get child support from him. he owes 10,000 for his other child that isn't mine. He said in the past if we break up he wants custody of our baby. I just let him think that. I know it wont happen.
I know I need to keep coming back here. I wouldn't have made it this far without all of you.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
Well no one here can tell you how to fix your relationship. You can fix yourself though and the tools of al anon can help you do a great deal about feeling better.
Of course when I was in your shoes all I wanted to do was to cure him because I was so incredibly dependent on him. There is good dependence and bad dependence. If your housing is contingent on this relationship of course you would be a little worried if he is going out with another woman. Some of the incongruities of a relationsihp with an alcoholic is they are controlling and dependent. For some of us that dependence is l"love". Learning to take care of ourselves is extremely hard work. In al anon we have tremendous powerful tools that help out. If you want to learn them jump in, read the al anon texts and get started.
first post...but this thread hit me like a ton of bricks. I think I might be in the same situation- altho I'm not sure. My gut just tells me something is off.
I don't even know what to be tested for. My health has been iffy, but I can't put my finger on anything specific.
My bf is in recovery and isn't drinking. However, there are certainly other qualities that cause me worry. And I definitely worry about approaching him directly about this. And honestly, I'm not sure he'd be straight with me.
This thread is a wake-up call. It's almost like this background worry is now in the front of my head. Thanks and any advice is welcomed.
Thank you for responding. I have been thinking today a lot. At times I feel I have enough strength to leave, but others I feel I want to wait till he decides. But when he decides then that is not my decision it's his. I am still quite confused about what to do. I am not going to have sex with him though.
I just keep praying to HP to help me get through this. And for him to lead my on MY right path.
I have emailed a lady from the county and explained to her briefly what was going on. And she wants me to come in for a meeting to discuss my options. WHich I am going to do, but a bit nervous just because I know she wont understand what I am going through.
If someone has not been with an A and grew up with A mother then I don't see how they can have even a clue at what I am going through right now.
So I just told her what he did and said and that my head is really messed up right now and my parents being A's makes my head messed up more. And I had asked her about counseling, but I keep thinking about it and if the counselor hasn't been to alanon then why should I even bother? They will never understand this situation.
__________________
"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
first post...but this thread hit me like a ton of bricks. I think I might be in the same situation- altho I'm not sure. My gut just tells me something is off.
I don't even know what to be tested for. My health has been iffy, but I can't put my finger on anything specific.
My bf is in recovery and isn't drinking. However, there are certainly other qualities that cause me worry. And I definitely worry about approaching him directly about this. And honestly, I'm not sure he'd be straight with me.
This thread is a wake-up call. It's almost like this background worry is now in the front of my head. Thanks and any advice is welcomed.
Sorry you are going through something similar. It's tough. One thing someone told me today I want you to know. You can be in pain and suffer if you chose. But you should sit and think that everyone goes through pain and sitting here suffering isn't going to help me at all. It will make things worse. So for the next hour or whatever I will not let my self suffer. I will be in pain for awhile, but I can chose if I want to suffer.
That doesn't mean I don't sit and cry for 10 minutes straight. This morning I felt like I was going to through up for a few hours. I just don't chose to let myself suffer all day.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
we all deserve happiness. please stop confusing his wanting to take care of you as love. letting you stay there for free??? that doesn't justify any of his actions. what do you want in your future? can you have it with him? make a plan. get strong. and take care of you and your kids.
