The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have never had a slow moving, normal, healthy relationship and I have NO idea how to go about it, what it's supposed to look like and how to control the thing in my heart and brain that drives me into this obsessiveness. I can see how this is about control. I want to MAKE him keep loving me, do what I want him to do, meet my "expectations" which are mostly unknown to him or unrealistic. It IS crazy!
I agree with what Maresie said about being so deeply involved with someone who hasn't left home and is so much younger than me. After a conversation I had with him last night I am deeply feeling what she said and have already taken issue with the immature relationship between him and his parents and the fact that he has little life experience and history of stepping outside himself, taking risks, standing up for what he wants - he is very much under their control and that bothers me.
I think the biggest problem is that my MO is to put someone on a pedistal and I don't know how to love without that or what that would even look like. I think it IS time for me to take a step back and I guess I knew that because I have been really trying to get busy on ME lately. I love him so much but more and more I'm starting to see that I love the potential he has and that is where the trouble always begins. For me watching actions and ignoring words has to be the top priority because otherwise I will make a whole imaginary relationship with a non existent person based on how I want things to be.
I don't think any of us "know" what a normal relationship is. I think none of us know what a healthy relationship is. I recall what a supreme court justice once said about osinity, and altering it for this: we cannot define what a healthy relationship is, but we recognize it when we see it. I think the best way I've learned to have a healthy relationship is to start with my sponsor and let her teach me how to have one with myself. I think for me that's taught me how to be appreciative and value who I am and what I have to offer. It's also made me alot less tolerant of abuse and unkindness, from anyone and from any sort. The steps have also made a huge difference here. When I looked at the kind of guys I chose, I saw I chose emotionally unavailible guys, who weren't interested in girls, but I persued them anyway, because I felt so low about myself. Today, I can see that these guys weren't worth my time or energy. Nor were they worth much of anything, but that's something else all togehter.
I totally relate. It's only been a year since my divorce, but I am so afraid of dating because I don't trust my codependent self.
Recently, a man has been giving me some attention. He reminds me of my exAH in his ability to command all the attention when he walks into the room. He is loaded with confidence, charisma, (and money.) Just the little bit of attention he's given me, has me crazy. In my mind, I began an "imaginary relationship," as you wrote. It was real exciting to dream like this again! Then, one morning before I woke up, I imagined to truly snag a man like this, I needed to lighten my hair, get braces, have a couple moles removed, get a little botox AND a boob job! The good thing is, I recognized this as my disease, I got up feeling angry with myself, disappointed and a little scared. So I ran to a morning meeting. I just KNOW I could still lose myself all over again and from experience, that's not healthy either.
Anyway, your honesty inspires me today. Your growth is amazing.
-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 23rd of March 2009 12:59:33 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I can't even attempt to define a 'healthy' relationship unless I am healthy myself, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
When I am coming from a place of neediness, regardless of what the circumstances are with him (older guy, younger guy still at home with parents, etc), there is something lacking within me.
How is your conscious contact with your higher power? Honestly, how IS CG feeling about CG these days in all 3 areas (physically, emotionally, spiritually)? Are you spreading yourself too thin, or taking some time each day for yourself? You don't need to answer these questions for me-just somethings for you to possibly think about.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
(((CG))) I think I could have written this post-I think I did just write parts of it. It is very hard to change my old behavior patterns. EXABF and I are on talking terms and he wants to keep things "light" but like you, I have no idea how that works. I'm an obsessive projecting crazy woman. One thing I have learned from this program is to get rid of the expectations altogether.....that is one of the most important things I can do to protect my heart from hurt. I've also decided this time around that actions will replace words in my world. It is sooooooooo easy to believe all the good things were are told, however they aren't always true, and just because someone loves us doesn't mean it is going to be the way we want or need to be loved. I want to see the love, through actions, before I will totally put my heart back out there to EXABF ro any man again.
You are doing well CG-You are seeing your thought processes for what they are and can be AHEAD of time and that is half the battle........I didn't see my messed up thinking until it was too late:)
take care of you~and remember EASY DOES IT....all you have is THIS DAY-tomorrow is not a guarantee.........enjoy this day for all it can be
Shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
To me a healthy relationship is one where we both can be individuals and not try to mold the other into something we're not. The only expectations I have of another person is that should treat me the way I like to treat other people with respect and kindness. It's the same expectation I have of myself in the way I treat others.
I know what works for me. I am a fiercely independent woman. My Tim was a fiercely independent man. It worked (long before we knew he had this disease) because we respected our differences and we always kind to each other. I like strong, independent people. We were best of friends in college, and the love came later on.
I believe in order to have healthy relationships of any kind, you have to love yourself first. I have to be secure in who I am first and the rest will take care of itself. Take care of CG first and all will be well. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I can totally relate to what your saying. Rushing headlong into relationships has been my downfall. I dont think I've ever had a really healthy one. All my character defects come out to play the minute I 'fall in love'. I'm fearful, insecure, controlling and just plain obsessed. All my positive qualities, intrests and hobbies are put aside as I start to focus on my partner. It really is a horrible way to be. Denying the reality of my relationship is something I have recently become aware of. Thanks to this program and my new awareness, I am working on changing this destructive way of being.
Thanks for a great share. Your insight into your behaviour shows how much you've grown and that gives me hope.
Does it have to be life long commitment. The relationship I had with a younger man (who left home to come live with me needless to say at far too fast a pace) wasn't all dysfunction. There were some very pleasant parts to it. My part in it was that I wanted him to grow up, mature and be something he wasn't. In theory it was a relationship that wasn't abusive, didn't have drugs involved or alcohol and wasn't all bad. I was so gungho on total commitment I could not see that.
