The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I decided that I needed to talk to my abf again yesterday after my soap box performance the night before to find out how much sank in and what was is honest thoughts.
He aggreed we needed to talk so this was not hard and I decieded not to harp on things or repeat it if he remembers and suprising enough he did remember alot but then he has always been a very good functional A.
After several hours of discussion no yelling ( I am not a yeller and he has always respected that) it was good exhausting mentally but good.
I understand that he really does not know why he drinks the way he does just that life was always so hard and it is the only thing that makes him feel warm and secure. His parents never did that for him his mom was a hypercondriac (spelling not my thing sorry) His dad was verbal and physically abusive to him his brother and his mother and at the age of 16 or so they bought him A. He was married at 18 had first child at 19 and so on. He is terrifed of the thought of never being able to have even a drink again. I get that but cannot understand it never being a A.
So he has decided to go see a therapist to see if he can sort out his past. Now I realize that this will not stop the drinking. But I told him start small he is in such denile about being an A. ( he says I like that word to much he just has a drinking problem how many of you have heard that one). Once he sets things up with his therapist then I will continue my co-dependency group and the therapist for that will have us later do couples but he needs to work on his past I see that now. I think if he went for detox program he would only fail after time because he has never really addressed those prev issues that he really not sure what about them makes him so destructive with relationships and destructive wtih A. I know there is not guarentee that he will want to give up the A. even after seeing a therapist but one step at a time.
It nice to come in and read and hear what you all say the support is great after posting my pre soap box perfomance I was ready for yesterday and felt strong again I glad you are all here and wow
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I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work." --Ben Franklin
A wise women once said: " No one can help everybody, but everybody can help somebody
Sounds like you are doing great, and are doing a really good job of not tieing his stuff into "expectations"" on your part.... My two cents about couples counselling..... I tend to think that going to marriage counselling, while the A is still drinking, is pretty much useless.... The only exception to that might be if the counselor is well aware and trained in addictions, but even then - I think it is dangerous and largely fruitless....
Good for you...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I have to agree with Tom. In my experience, marriage counseling with my AH when he was drinking was futile and very damaging to ME. He was so deep in his addiction that he about everything--even the most innocuous things like what time he got up or what he ate for dinner...oh, and whether he was still cheating--not so innocuous. UGH!!
Then, we tried it again right after he got sober. But, it was too soon. Although he had quit drinking, he had not even started addressing the sickness of the mind and spirit.
We have been much more successful in marriage counseling in his 3rd year of sobriety. We both had a good foundation in our respective programs and could start to work on our couples' issues. That being said, we did hit a roadblock in our progress. The God-thing is that my AH was finally at a place where he could really listen when the counselor suggested that he engage in some individual counseling--something I thought he needed 4 years ago, of course.
Anyway, it is all in our HP's timing and not our own. My AH is now seeing an IC--and he is willing and open. We have put MC on hold while he works out some of the issues that are preventing him from being fully present in our relationship.
The lesson for me?? I have to continue to work on me. I am the only person that I have any sort of control over. I have to leave my AH to his HP and trust that his HP has a plan, just for my AH.
Hang in there, and keep the focus on YOU.
Yours in recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I will think about what you and tom said about this and just let him focus on his issues with the counselor. In my co-dependency program the my therapist who deals with both a and codependents will have us in for some couple counseling and I and that will be only in regards to alcohol related topics is from what I understand. What really strange is we never fight over money or my kids or his kids or material things. only two things we have problems with is with his negativity and rudeness and A. but without the A and some counseling on his part about his past. We would have normal disagreements. But I will keep a sticky note in the back of my brain - do not rush it start slow and wait to work on the problems not caused by the A in our lives. I issue at a time. Correct wendy
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I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work." --Ben Franklin
A wise women once said: " No one can help everybody, but everybody can help somebody
