The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't have much experience with addiction. My xabf is my son's father, and is the only a in my life, to my knowledge. I recently broke it off, for the billionth time. I have been along for the ride, for the most part, and didn't really recognize how much it affected ME until I was pregnant. I started to really think then, and recognized that I didn't want that life for my child. I've never lived with my a, so I never had to get out of that situation, but the rest of it applies. I can't really escape completely, because we have a child, but I have distanced myself as best I can for now.
I think.
I have been telling him that what he does is completely his business, the drinking affects me, but is not something I can control. The only thing I can control is what I do. And to that end, I will not be so much as having a meal out or spending time with him until I feel like either he won't drink or his drinking won't affect me. I don't feel that way right now, and don't know if or when I ever will.
Is that wrong? Should I not be telling him that I may or may not spend time with him if he gets sober and stays that way? I am reading Codependant No More, and am really trying to get to a place where I am okay, and I just don't know if it matters. I'm not trying to control his behavior, and I am not trying to manipulate him, I think, but I don't know if I should just not talk about it or tell him openly?
Hello Lucky , I am going to assume u are not atending al anon meetings for yourself , you will find the answers u need in our program thus being able to make an informed decission raher than one based on emotion alone . You need support if u want to continue this relationship , he will be in your life for the rest of your l ife because of the son u share , with or with out him u will need support to get on with your life . Al -Anon will get u to where u want to go.
Welcome to the MIP Family.... You have come to the right place...
As for telling him what the future holds to weather you will or will not spend time with him... Well the future is down the road... In Al-anon we focus on the Now...Today ONLY.... Only God *your God as you understand him* can tell the future...
I agree that F2F (face 2 face) meetings are a wonderful place to start, because tho you were not raised or been around but (1) alcoholic, Al-anon can help... I was told to go to (6) F2F meetings and am I glad I did... It was a great call, and I am very glad I listened... I was not sure when I went to my first couple if I was in the right place, and welp... It was my (6th) meeting that told me I was right were I needed to be... :)
I wish you luck on your journey thru al-anon, put the focus on you and your baby, and let the XABF pick his own future... You have enough on your plate
Keep coming back it works if you work it... Take what you like nad leave the rest... Friends in Recovery... Jozie
Hello Lucky and welcome. Meetings and reading are great places to start. I suggest getting some al-anon literature. One day at a time in Al-anon is daily readings that help start the day. Discovering Choices is good too. Lots of stories that families and friends can relate to. Keep coming back It really helps
I understand how confused you are but see a strong side to you. By comming here you are ready to start something that is scary. They are right you can not predict the future nor guess how the story will end. This is a new chapter in your life and you cannot read ahead. Find a group alnon or anything to help you build strong emotions to help yourself and your son to have a happy and healthy life. Keep coming back post how your feel I get that most people here are many chapters ahead of us and will hold your hand and give you a hug and pick up your spirts when your think you have failed. I see that here. Wendy
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I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work." --Ben Franklin
A wise women once said: " No one can help everybody, but everybody can help somebody
I learned that there was no right or wrong but the best I could do with what I had at the time. I learned I could do better if I allowed myself to be around others who knew what it was that I was going thru because of their own experiences and who had suggestions from doing things that worked out more positively for them. I could then have more choices. I learned that if I allowed my self time to sit with these others and to listen to them and share with them what was happening for me I would have better or other outcomes. That is what worked for me. That is what worked for others before me and who share the new experiences with me. You are in the right place doing the best you can with what you have. This is good and it will get better as long as you allow others to share their recovery with you.
It works if you work it...you will hear over and over again and some days you will share that will a newbie yourself.
