The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday I felt so much stronger, busy trying to find a lodger, applying for a little part time admin job to supplement my now frightening low income (no help from my AH who said he had contributed enough recently!) I felt ok, met my friend for an early glass of wine, took my dog with me, I feel better when my companion is there and he is my saviour, needing my care and a constant source of play and love. I had some very strange man interested in the room, well turns out maybe more interested in something else, made me laugh yesterday but today, suddenly feel so vulnerable again, frightened of my future financially, frightened of what life has in store, I was always such an optimist but right now today, even though I have friends at the end of the phone, I feel soooo lonely. As it really sinks in, keys returned by my AH's sister yesterday, i feel so so sad and bereft. My AH was my entire life...I keep reading getting them sober volume 4 and know why i was so bound up in him, he was emotionally unavailable so often and knowing he planned to leave, seeing the signs in retrospect, i feel angry and it has nowhere to go. I havent seen him since 18 Jan and i hate to say it, i miss him, i really wish i didnt...he had become unbearable and distant over at least the last 3 months of our marriage, but there were the good times. My sister and everyone else knows, so do i, that I couldnt have carried on much longer without going crazy, he was going to drink and I responsible for making that difficult for him, but I just hate to think that he can just dismiss me from his life, like i didnt exist, not miss me, not want to be with me, it is hard to bear. I know Im dealing with a man whose incapable of making rational decisions, giving all his clothes away doesnt seem rational but a sure sign he wanted no part of the life he had had with me for 7 years...how do they find it so easy to just do that. Stop caring, i really feel as if he made an effort to distance himself from me, very mixed messages right up to the end...I am really trying not to think about what he is doing, the time difference helps actually and i am keeping busy, felt brighter yesterday, but this morning woke up and that dread realisation just hit me again...starting the day crying just exhausts me, maybe tomorrow will be different again, Today I just think, I never wanted a lodger, I wanted my husband, I didnt want what is happening to me, he doesnt care what hes done to my life, the person i was when he met me was so independent, own house, sports car, friends, good job...now he owns half the house, Im scrapping around for more income and will have to share my home with someone else when I never had to do that before. see Im full of self pity today, yesterday, felt ok even exciting to have a new door open, today, doors all seem shut again. Just need to get this off my chest...think this is a one step back day.....
Lily, i read your posts and i am reminded of a time when my AH died and left me with two young kids. I was angry, sad, lonely, mad, scared, every emotion possible all at once. No matter what the circumstances everyone must grieve the loss of a relationship and it sounds to me like that is what you are going through and that is normal so dont beat yourself up. Some good days, some bad days....but eventually if you keep talking, keep listening and keep alanon at the top of your priorities you will find the good days become more, the bad days less. I never thought i would survive and when people told me things get easier over time i would get mad because i didnt think anyone could possibly understand my pain. Well , i am here to tell you, you will not only survive but you will thrive in time ....
Keep going to alanoon, deal with the feelings, and know you are ok :)
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What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself. Hecato, Greek philosopher
I soooo relate to your experience of grief. I understand how it feels to suddenly "wake up" and feel a little groggy and confused as we look at the reality of things. Old memories have a totally different perspective now and it's confusing. Some days, it feels impossible to move, I get paralyzed by fear and indecision about what to do next.
I haven't read Getting them sober, maybe I will some day as it is suggested that we gain an intelligent understanding of alcoholism. I've mainly focused on understanding codependent behavior, because I don't want to go there ever again. I can now see how I had made him my "everything" in the past. Unfortunately, my understanding of my religion at that time didn't serve me very well. The bible reads, "The two shall become one" and I embraced that idea wholeheartedly. It still has me really confused but I happen to think it has been terribly misinterpreted! I went to a wedding last fall and I wanted to stand up and say "NOOOO, THAT WON'T WORK!!!!!!!!!"
Early in my recovery, someone asked me, "Were you ever REALLY married?" I think they were questioning his commitment to the marriage from the very beginning. He was already secretly using. That question baffled me for a long time, but now I accept that I will never know the answer. All that matters now, moving forward, should I ever meet someone special, I will be AWAKE, God willing! I will never expect another person to do for me, what only HP can do. That is where my thinking became very codependent, I looked to my husband to fix everything and provide everything. And when the divorce was looming, I became very afraid of how I would be taken care of. I choose to believe now, that it was Higher Power taking care of me all along, during the entire 26-year marriage. And HP is the one who will continue to care for me moving forward. I am here, right with you, Lilly, practicing this kind of trust, practicing step 3.
That's what this fellowship does together, we just "practice" this program to the best of our ability. We are going to take a step forward and a step back at first, but we just keep practicing. After a while, I found that I still go backwards, I just don't stay there very long. Now, I have tools that I can use to help make me feel better. I just have to choose it.
I relate to your disbelief and resistance (about having to having to take a lodger.) I was in disbelief and defiant resistance just yesterday over something at work and I finally decided to phone my sponsor. She said to me, "You made the decision to turn your will and your life over, gladlee.... this must be part of HP's will, for reasons that you just don't understand yet."
Immediately, I felt the resistance lessen. However, I am still trying to practice trust and acceptance today.... I'm not entirely there yet, I still have my dukes up! I believe that HP understands. And just lovingly shakes his head and smiles. There is a beautiful plan for me. My job is to trust that.
So glad you are here. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by glad lee on Friday 20th of March 2009 09:57:42 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
when I left the ex A 2 years ago I missed him terribly for months. I was lucky enough to land a job that helped me out tremendously.
Do you go to therapy if you can that would help.
I am glad you have your antenna up about who you will rent to.
Keep posting. Glad you are using Getting them Sober. What about Melody Beattie, Pia Melody, Claudia Black, Harriet Braiker, Al anon books read them and keep reading them till you start eating sleeping breathing the program.
