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this always seems like a continuin problem with my youngest son who will be 34 in June. He is doing good...but times are now getting tough as you all know....and he always calls me to complain Re: his truck broke down, no $$$ (he has always made big $$$)-well its always something. Sometimes he calls and there are no complaints. He is not married and no girlfriend in the picture (I think)... but.( I WISH) so I'm thinking because he is alone, he "dumps" on his Mom. He never calls to his Dad-(we have been divorced for 25 yrs). On my B'day and Mothers Day he always sends me flowers. He is a sweet guy....but this continuing dumping gets me down I do have lots of health problems especially high blood pressure-so this doen't help. Tks for listening and I would love some feedback. DH hubby and I have 5 children, so we really have to learn Tough Love...
I just found this message board today. I am a member of Al-Anon, but nice to find this site.
So, this is my very first reply to anyone. I do know where you are coming from . I have 2 daughters; as different as night and day.
My 37 year daughter is the reason I am a member of this message board. She never calls to just chat. Always drama, drama. I have way too much information from her life.
I have caller ID. If I feel like I am not in a good place emotionally to handle all her drams, I let it go to voice mail. I hope this works for you. I think caller ID was invented for parents of dysfunctional children.
Hang in there!!!!
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Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
When things like this happen to me I consistantly say to the person things like "try to stay positive" and "thinking positive will help". If I keep repeating it, eventually it dawns on them how negative they are. Occasionally some will say "How the xxxx is that going to help?" I just come back with "Try it and see!!"
Depending on the relationship you have with your son..You may even say..I know you are having problems but... "Do you realize how negative you always sound?" Or even "OK, so complaining isn't working, what are you going to do about it to make it better?"
I figure if I don't call attention to it somehow it will just continue. So far I've never had to say "You're just too darn negative for me to listen to." But I would say it if I had to.
Christy
-- Edited by Christy on Wednesday 18th of March 2009 10:25:20 PM
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
My mom is a dry A and she is very negative and complains a lot. I have very clear boundaries with her as a result. We talk once a week and usually only for around 10 mins. I worked hard for years to keep her "corralled" this way. I listen to all the negativity and then when the conversation is over I literally take it off like a coat and toss it aside. Its HER negativity and her choice to be that way, she is a big girl and makes her own decisions. Its working for her somehow to incorporate a lot of negativity into her life and views of life. Not my problem/kuleana- its her gig, plain and simple. Hugs, J.
My family... The WHOLE Lot of them have there moments when they act the VERY same way...Usually at least once a year, I have to tell them... "I understand that you are having a ruff go of things and there is alot going on...HOWEVER... I also have some going's on of my own and i regret pickin up the phone half the time knowing what you are going to say"... It works for a while and then has to be repeated...
Sometimes, I will just stop talking while they rant, and then kindly say, well I am glad you got that out, but I really have to go... It was nice talking to you tho, and hang up... That also slows it down...
My Abrother doesn't even call anymore now because he feels some kind of responsibility might take place in our calls, so I guess that is one negative that I know longer have to deal with... I miss him, but NOT his drama... Which is every day... "Poor Me"... :( That wears me out quicker then most things... It does upset me tho that he does it to our mother and she is not strong enough to shut him down... She also has high blood pressure and every time his life is in termoil... Her blood pressure goes up.... Go Figure...
I do however LOVE Jeans way of "taking it off like a coat"... That is something I may have to try myself...
My oldest AD used to use me as a dumping ground over the phone, but then I heard the saying 'we teach people how to treat us.' The light bulb came on. I started shutting those conversations down.
I very seldom hear from her anymore because she knows I'm not that dumping ground anymore.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
this always seems like a continuin problem with my youngest son who will be 34 in June. He is doing good...but times are now getting tough as you all know....and he always calls me to complain Re: his truck broke down, no $$$ (he has always made big $$$)-well its always something. Sometimes he calls and there are no complaints. He is not married and no girlfriend in the picture (I think)... but.( I WISH) so I'm thinking because he is alone, he "dumps" on his Mom. He never calls to his Dad-(we have been divorced for 25 yrs). On my B'day and Mothers Day he always sends me flowers. He is a sweet guy....but this continuing dumping gets me down I do have lots of health problems especially high blood pressure-so this doen't help. Tks for listening and I would love some feedback.
DH hubby and I have 5 children, so we really have to learn Tough Love...
