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Ive posted this onGetting them sober site too, but thought someone might have more words of wisdom here too. My AH has flown off back to the west indies to his new life yesterday, a hard and tearful day for me. Then I find out last night, that he had been telling our mutual best friends and who knows who else that he was leaving me for at least a month (probably more as his drinking has accelerated since september) before he went this january to rebuild our nest egg after hurrican ike!! This put them in a difficult situation. When he last left me in july, the same friends husband was sworn to secrecy that my AH was in cheltenham and it was definitely over, again just me kept in the dark. Then he came back and said the usual, my behaviour had to change. IS this normal if I can use that word, for an alcoholic to do? It seems very cruel and on the back of that just two days ago before he went, he sent me a stupid email, asking me if I was Ok and if our dog was alright and could i perhaps send photos of him from time to time, that our time together has been beautiful, better than anything and how much he cared for and respected me!! This is such rubbish, he clearly had no respect for me, I already knew he had asked people in the pub to go with him to the west indies in january from where he told me he was leaving, that he would pay for them because he just wanted some fun! I havent pressed my friend for details of what his reasons were that he wanted to leave me, I couldnt add to the pain Ive already been in but this is all so disrespectful, why on earth would he think I would believe for one minute that a) he cared or b) he respected me or c) would send him photos of the dog!!!!! |I didnt respond to the email and have I think behaved with dignity throughout this latest episode, no tearful phonecalls, being cheery on the phone (tears later) and not allowing him to see what this was doing to me. Any thoughts anyone on this horrible humiliating behaviour. ANY nuggets would be much appreciated, it seems everyone knew but me!! I just keep getting more info about his terrible behaviour generally too which I didnt know about, but its so personal too... This is just my latest post but I do need to keep venting.. its all so very hurtful. Im suddenly having to find a lodger, not something I thought I would ever have to do, I thought I was to share my home with a loving husband, more like a distant shadow for so long now!
Remember that he is sick. That he has a disease and that most of the time he is controlled by that disease. He may have moments of lucidity that allows him to say those "kind" things to you. They may be genuine, or they may just be his attempts to soften his own feelings of guilty and irresponsibility.
I started getting all that "post facto" information from my friends after the fact about my then alcoholic wife. I finally understood that no amount of information about my wife's behavior that I did not know about was good for me at that time.
My sponsor and program friends told me what difference does it make what she did, when she did it or with whom she did it? All that is the past now. I need to focus on the present and what I can do to help myself. It was suggested to me to stop my friends and family any time they started to divulge "stuff" they knew or felt about my soon to be ex wife. I would tell them thank you for wanting to support me, but I don't need to know anymore than I already do.
It was very hard, because of course my own disease wanted to know everything. Every why. Every crime committed against me and our marriage.
I finally came to understand that for me, for my own well being I had to try like hell to accept that "why" doesn't matter.
My little kitty scratched and bit the heck out of me the other day. Why? The only real answer is that because he is a cat and he was scared.
An alcoholic is an alcoholic. And they are gonna do whatever they are gonna do. As another program friend told me once, "what are YOU gonna do about it, David?"
Keep trying to put the focus back on yourself and getting yourself better, Lilly.
Try not to let the shame of not knowing and the associated self directed anger and wanting to blame yourself for not somehow being able to know eat at you, as it did me too. We all do the best we can at the time.
It is a terrible thing that he has done, but that is just it... He HAS DONE IT, and now you have to pick up the pieces of your life and find a better ending...I know it is a struggle, and it was all done in such an unrespectful way to you... The fact that "everyone" knew before you...
In my opionion...When your "Friends" were swore to uphold his secret, they really where not "Friends" at all...Friends would not play both sides of the fence.. .And now that you know he was moving on with out you, why would these "Friends" now think it is OK to tell you what they know... The truth is, you are better off not knowing anymore... You know enough to know that you need to move on and start living in the now, not the yesterday...
You truly have to "Let Go & Let God", His illness is his to claim and battle not yours... Yes you was a part of if for al ong time, but with him "Moving on" now maybe you can too... It is not going to be easy but what in this world really is "easy"... You just need "Progress not Profection"... In knowing "ALL" the things that he did during your relationship, you are only opening yourself up to more Hurt...Does it really matter anymore, what was done or said to other people...This program is about you... Only you and your recovery from the past that you now have to push forward to the new you...Maybe not willingly, but you can only go it "one Day at a Time" because really what else to we have!
You will get there Lilly... Just take your time, and like David, I would stop the "Past" in its tracks, and just tell your "Friends" It doesn't matter what he has done or said, its over, and I don't need to know any more then that... Thank you for your thoughts of me, but I am moving forward in my life, and I hope he does the same... Nuff Said...
These are just my take on what i have read... Please take what you like and leave the rest...Hold your head up and be proud that you and your doggie are about to for take a new adventure, and you are the lead... Good luck to you ....
Your story is my story. I, too, was the last to know (about the drugs and the women.)
Question for you, how many meetings are you making a week? I can tell you from my personal experience, that I cannot handle life on life's terms without being spiritually fit. Face to face meetings are going to get you spiritually fit for ANYTHING that happens.
I was told that no one could wave a magic wand and make it feel better, although there were days when I longed for just that! My sponsor pushed me to do the ACTION of wanting to get well and suggested DAILY F2F meetings in the beginning. Some days, I dragged myself there but what a difference they would make. Gradually, miracles began to happen. I never imagined it could happen to ME, but the same thing seems to happen to those who are willing... *Miracles*
It is waiting for you, too ((((((Lilly)))))) You WILL feel better when you walk with your HP, who gave us these 12 steps.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
((((((Lilly)))))) Sweetie my heart goes out to you. Your situation is so full of pain right now, but it can and will get better for you. Each and every day that passes will get better. You'll have days where you take 2 steps forward and 3 back, and then the next time you'll take 4 steps forward and 2 back-each and every day moving forward just a little more. Are you attending any F2F meetings yet? If not, please try to find a way to-the help you will recieve is a God send. This program will work if you work it. There are questions you are NEVER going to find the answers to and realistically if you could ask your A ANY questions that you have-would you believe his answers now? You have to let go of the questions, and put any and all focus on you-because ya know what Lilly?????? YOU MATTER!!! YOU ARE IMPORTANT!!!!!!!AND YOU ARE LOVED!!!!!!!!! Please take care of you and keep coming back........learning to let go and let God is not an easy task but I promise you will not regret it:) keeping it simple shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
You had asked if that email was normal behavior - ur AH acting in one way but then saying words that truly make the actions appear as lies. I spent so long in that, listening to what they would tell me, instead of watching the actions. Actions speak louder than words. IMHO, it sounds like he is trying to keep on the line, as it were, u know keep u hooked. I am sure in his mind (if you've put up with a lot in the past) he thinks you will always be there for him to come back to and use as he pleases. As narcissistic as that sounds, crazy & sick, I do see A's typically have that behavior. Everything is about them.
It is very strong(good) that you aren't crying on the phone. That gives them a lot of ammo when they know they are getting to you. I know my exAH really got off on the pain that he caused. I had to get away from him to get over the pain I had about it all.
What David described was very accurate - they way we continue to beat ourselves up about not knowing and how dumb we were - kicking ourselves about it ~ you dont have to do this, it is just self punishement, all it does is hurt you more and longer. I did it too & fell into a terrible depression that lasted a few years. If it werent for my three cats, I probably would have killed myself. I sure did try.
Work on getting your attention of YOU where it belongs. The more u can detach from what ur AH is or is not doing, the better u will feel.
None of this stuff is easy but you have yourself and two lil ones to think of. Putting yourself first is simple self-preservation and YOU deserve the best treatment. Practise doing nice loving things for yourself & be gentle - you have been traumatized.
In hindshight, in my case I can see now that if I had gotten grief counselling for my marriage, divorce, life - it would have helped me heal much faster (I believe). That may be some thing u might consider doing. I know I had a faery tale love written in my mind/soul. It didnt turn out that way.
I have a new, healthy relationship now w/ my b/f whom I live with.
Take care of you, love yourself, save yourself ~ if u don't who will? You deserve as much wonderful things u can imagine, you deserve the best, we all do.
Nice to have u sharing with us, you aren't alone.
love, -k
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I used to be totally stuck in the headlights around the ex A's behavior. Detachment was so so key for me. I had to stop focusing on him and start focusing on me. The "why" is their disease. For whatever erason some of them don't make it out. Some do, some don't. There is no guarantee. I had to personally turn it over as being beyond my control.
What comes to my mind is that it was easier for your husband to tell everyone else because if he told you he would have to be accountable and be honest. It's a shame that no one told you, but I know that many people feel that "it's not my place" I hope you keep posting. You're in the right place.
Thank you everyone for your thoughts..I am trying to pick myself up and have moments when Im ok, Im just waiting for these to get longer. I just sometimes feel like Im in a nightmare that someone is going to tell me isnt true! But, Im better than I was a week ago....so it goes. My life is changing, not all of it is what I would have wanted, but I will do my level best to focus on me, forget what hes doing, hes doing what he wanted to do, drink, the drink won...
