The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just joined recently but this is the first time I am posting. I just have been reading everyones post/comments. I thought it would be my turn to tell my story.
I just turned 33 and the love of my life is my AB. I met him about 2 1/2 years ago. He was sober. But half of our relationship has been a HUGE mess. He has been struggling on and off. And me being the co-dependant, I did what co-dependants do best. I have been learning slowly over the years how to deal with things better. During Christmas, we got into another fight about him drinking and I said if he does it again, I will leave. After that, i was turning a blind eye, I did not want to deal with it. But, about 3 weeks ago, he did it again but this time I did leave. Once he sobered up, he realized that he messed up and he really needs to stick to sobriety. (he lost 2 girlfriends in the past due to his drinking)
I left and stayed with friends, it sucked being away from my house. Well, this past Monday I have been back home a week. I could not stand being away from my 3 cats and my home. We talked and I moved back in. I am beating myself up. I am afraid that I did the wrong thing. He is getting help now (AA and seeing a therapist). I am doing my part to work on me. But I did give him 90 days to show me that he wants to stay sober. I want to have a future with him but I refuse to bring children in this world with a Afather. I would like to you know what you guys think. I knew getting into a relationship with an A would be a risk. But, I keep thinking, is it worth it? Thanks for reading and I look forward reading your posts.
CC, I think you know your heart...he is seeking help so that is a plus...you are seeking help for you also a plus...I think living with alcoholism can be a very difficult and emotionally draining thing to live with; however, I find in working the program there is Hope...and for now...take the focus off him and let your focus be on you and your program of Alanon...continue to go to meeting and learn the tools to help you with your situation...listen to others experiences...I know it has improved my marriage since we have both seeked help...we have agreed to reevaluate where we are in one year and hope that we are on the right path rebuild our relationship in recovery together...it is possible to have a relationship with an alcoholic...and yes it is a risk because A's are unpredictable...well we all are...and at any moment we can slip...but the thing is you have to remember to take care of YOU during it all...Hope this helps!! Keep coming back find a f2f meeting in your town...and live life one day at a time!
Brightmommy
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"if you can't say nothing nice, don't say nothing at all!!"
Against the Al-anon rules, I DO have advice: go to face to face Al-anon meeetings and find a sponsor.
It was such a relief to have people other than "my" alcoholic for support, since he wasn't capable of giving it. They were there to tell me if he was being reasonable, and more importantly, if my responses were reasonable (usually not, it turned out). At the the time it was completely confusing and I couldn't have told you the sky from the grass, (and I knew it).
I found a sponsor- someone who saw the universe in a way I only wished I saw the universe- and she's made a huge difference.
I hear all this stuff about how people's sponsors are now their best friends, etc. and I haven't experienced that. She's my sponsor, not my friend, not that she's unfriendly. It just takes me a long time to make friends and who knows if we'll end up there. I mention that, because if I don't think people should pick a sponsor based on whether they'll eventually be best friends. In the place I was in, I don't know that I'd have chosen well.
I wish I would have know alanon when my husband was my boyfriend. I don't know if I would be where I am today with my alcholic husband. I wish I would have taken the time to know alcholism. It is a frightening disease that effects so many peoples lives. I don't know if I would have made the choice to marry an alcholic if i truely knew what an acholic was. good luck
What worked for me (my own experience) was finally getting into the program of the Al-Anon Family Groups for real; (my first attempt was like a terrorist attack...I was the terrorist) and following the suggestions. Me following anything was not an acceptable or reasonable idea up until that time. I was not a follower and preferred acting dumb but looking smart up until that time. I knew nothing about the disease of alcoholism (and most other subjects) and didn't know that I didn't know...dumb as a stick I like to say. LOL. I didn't know what sobriety was so how in the world would I know if she was or not...not drinking is not sober and since I was always willing to linger in denial I learned focusing on her to give me a clue that she was sober was what I usually did and what was usually what I did wrong.
The object was to take my entire focus off of her and learn from the program to put myself under the microscope to check out what I was all about and why my life had evolved into another cell in the disease of alcoholism. Al-Anon has taught and led me into my own recovery which I came to admit was what I needed for me from the start before I met and married my alcoholic, after leaving another alcoholic who I dated after I divorced my addict. I needed to change me.
I am glad you found this forum and this supportive unconditionally loving family. I pray you find the doors to open meetings of the AFG in your area soon.
Welcome. Al anon can certainly help you with a number of tools, detaching, taking care of yourself, focusing on yourself and more. Stop beaitng yourself up. You are doing the best you can.
