The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
last night I did something really foolish I went to a family party and got really drunk. really really drunk. I went to the my AB's house and he walked me home. I can remember crying getting aggressive apologising all kinds of carzy stuff. It was like all my pain was coming out I have been trying to understand him. I have been trying to be a kind human . I have bben trying to work out how I can love him and myself at the same time. Last night I let rip I told him I need him to take care of me I need him to be strong. I can emember when he was telling me to stop it I said now u know how it fel. Just lets get drunk dot give a shit. he walked me home i came in and shut the door on him cause my kids have made it clear they dont want him around.
I rang this morning he said have u got anything to say I apologized said it was my pain coming out.
Now I feel terrible he is sick and it causees me pain I lost control because I was drunk and of course couldnt work my programme.
I carnt change or cure my A, he carnt meet my needs I am so unhappy yet I dont seem to be able to accept reality. My head says it doesnt add up make the right choice and leave but my heart says stay hes sick we love each other.
our choices have consequences if I go with my heart I have to accept I will never have the kind of relationship I tryly desire. If I go with my head I have stop contact with someone I care about I am scared to face the pain. But I know I will heal and maybe oneday meet a man who can love me how I desire.
I know I am moving in the right direction and dont believe I can live like this for much longer I think I just need to pray for courage
thanks
-- Edited by Tracy on Saturday 14th of March 2009 10:20:13 AM
-- Edited by Tracy on Sunday 15th of March 2009 07:46:59 AM
I understand your pain and confusion. I have been struggling for sometime now to do the right thing, trying to change, trying to let go of my Abf. Its impossible to just one day say 'thats it its over'. Its something that you have to really work hard at. I've had days where I was so stuck I felt like I was suffocating. Days when nothing I did helped, no matter how hard I worked my program, I kept hanging on to him, hurting myself along the way. I can honestly say the amount of denial I was in was massive, denying the truth of my relationship kept me stuck in it.
My ES&H is sometimes it takes just a small shift in perspective to move forward. It is too hard to make great big steps, thats why baby steps are better. Its too overwhelming to deal with it all in one go. By keeping the focus on you and taking one day at a time you will find the strength to go on. I kept on telling myself, this too will pass and that really helped. There was a time I really felt like I was just going through the motions with my step work and daily readers. It was definetly a case of Fake it till you make it All my hard work has started to pay off. Suddenly I have accepted the reality of my relationship and how one sided it is. I dont have that feeling of heart wrenching devastation that I've had for months. I am getting there and you will too. You are moving in the right direction, ask your HP to take it from you, keep posting and keep comin back. It really does Work if you Work it.
