The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'd like to thank everyone who responded to my other post from earlier today. I received a lot of great ESH, which is why this is the first place I run when I feel overwelmed or scared (I used to isolate tremendously and did so for years....right up until I decided to let the EXABF in to my life). Anyway I am still sorting through some things, and doing a lot of reading etc. I've been reading alot about expectations, and how if we don't have them we won't be disappointed, my sponsor and I also spoke about them earlier too. My question now is this.......Isn't having an expectation of someone the same exact thing as "counting on" that person??? And isn't being able to count on someone a huge part of any type relationship/friendship? I realize after lots of thought that my relationship with EXABF began to demise when I began to have expectations of him, yet he was always telling me that he wanted me to count on him......to me it was one and the same and I never understood if there was a difference......and I'm not certain now what my CLEAR thoughts are on the subject......The only thing I am CERTAIN of is it is REALLY HARD not to have a single expectation when this is someone that was in my life and my son's for the past year and he and I had discussed reconciliation before..........it's just hard, and the last thing I want/need right now is to loose my focus on me. I'm doing well with that so far and praying and reading etc., but that is always my big concern when ANYTHING other than peace and clarity come into my world:) Any ESH would always be appreciated. I've decided after to much thought today to put it all in HP's hands and let Him figure it all out......I'll set a few boundaries for my comfort but as of right now, today, to me, the only safe way I can view it is as another date.
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
I still use the same guideance with counting on someone to come thru for me. I will have a reasonable expectation that they will come thru for me and if they don't I don't get hurt. I offer them grace so that if something gets in the way our relationship isn't rocked by resentments. When I get fixed on having others meet my needs sometimes I make no other plans or margins in case it doesn't happen. I know that I have also let others down in their expectations of me also and I ask, "How do I like being treated when I let others down?"
"I realize after lots of thought that my relationship with EXABF began to demise when I began to have expectations of him" - shelly
You say it all right there.
You talk about being able to count on someone and you can if they come through. That would be a good person to count on. Expectations can be a little more demanding & out of control (b/c it's more irrational) - we can have a reasonable expectation of what will happen based on the past. But we can't take outcomes for granted, no one KNOWS what will happen. We do have the Now, which is when we can empower ourselves, in the present moment.
When I sort of depended on others and did not have heatlhy emotional boundaries, I would automatically experience another tragic day b/c my A's were having bad days & I didn't know how to have my own emotional presence/health. I was enmeshed with them.
Good for you for working the program and seeing/enjoying the benefits for you ~ that is wonderful! I am learning the most valuable and important relationship I'll ever have is the one I have with myself. It makes all of my other relationships better to boot. ;)
Have u heard the expression, if I have one foot in tomorrow and one in yesterday, I'm pissing all over today. It's a lil crude but it's funny b/c it's true. Once I got my thoughts focuesed in today & now ~ I stopped projecting, having constant anxiety & headaches. I was also guilt ridden, which in hindsight was all self inflicted due to a perception. The view from a sick mind. Today I am working on being healthy.
None of us can assume or take things for granted, if we do, we will surely get hurt - it's not healthy thinking. Healthy is enjoying the moment fully. Maintain your self integrtiy & listen to ur intuition. Accepting reality as it happens, don't fight it. (I used to do that from alil child, so I was pretty miserable). If something comes up & u will threatened or uncomfortable you have the power to change that.
Took me to forty to realize how to date. It is not a euphamism for having sex - well, that;'s how I used to use it. I would have sex as a way to get to know people.
Dating should be kept light, causual & fun. It's a way of getting to know another person better & enjoying each other's company.
The moment I feel someone trying to be manipulative, I speak up about how I feel about it or I may say, 'that won't work'. I'm so sensitive to that feeling, I can become extremely able to stand up for myself or stick to a boundary like my life depends upon it. That's how it felt for me n the beginning, and my life did depend upon it. But following through on my boundaries, gave me self respect & it felt really good. I noticed as I excersized them over time, other actually respected me for them, maybe not at that moment but later they did.
My cousin's g/pa used to say - "no one can ever take your education or your self respect." That is true and it is a great feeling.
Letting go & letting god is still one I'm working on... but the more caught up in experiencing every new moment - the now - as it unfolds, the more liberated & free I feel. So maybe I am beginning to experience it these days. It kind of cracks me up now to hear me say, 'yeah, I'll let that happen' or when I read it here b/c none of us have any power anyway. The outcome will be. It may be unexpected or different then we assume/expect and then it will be very exciting. The new moment, each new moment is happening all the time. I am finding it very exciting being present. Since I can't control anything, I can appreciate god's infinite job tending to everything else in the Universe. So I can just focus on me.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I think reconciliation is pretty hard going expecially with an alcoholic. There are very good illustrations of reasonable expectations in the Getting them Sober series. In a nutshell Toby Rice Drew says to put them real low with dealing with an alcoholic in sobriety.
Of course there is a tremendous amout of grief in dealing with an active alcoholic who has caused lots of problems. Separating all that out is so difficult.
