Boundaries v/s Projecting - Al-Anon Family Group

shellyj123 · ~*Service Worker*~

Boundaries v/s Projecting

Tiger2006 · ~*Service Worker*~

I was taught, and I agree, that one of the hallmarks of recovery is that I deal with things as they come. So I can have a game plan coming in, but I need to be sensitive to how things change over the course of the evening. More importantly, I need to be able to respond, not react.
So you have a date with your ex abf. Some up front boundries could be that you're gonn drive your own car. You're gonna stay until such and such an hour. If you choose to drink, you'll only have so much. Things like this. Then, as the evening progresses and it becomes clearer that things are becoming dysfunctional (if they do, keep in mind) you can set new boundries. For example, if he begins drinking and you become uncomfortable, you can say "I will be leaving soon. Thank you for the lovely time." No explaining, no excusing, no anything but "This is what I need to do. Thanks for everything." Or, lets say that the party gets to be too much. You can simply say "I've had enough. I'm glad I came. Please have a good evening.

inhisarms · Veteran Member

Shelly, To me boundaries for us in alanon is a positive, where projection is a negative. We learn we all have to make our boundaries in order to not repeat old behavoir. We dont want back on the roller coaster ride :) So as long as you are not having and holding on to expectations about the date then making boundaries is part of your program to keep you focused, healthy and in your best interest. You can have boundaries set in place but not project, does that make sense?

I know for me i have learned that when i project a situation or outcome i am not working my program and trusting my HP. When i am establishing boundaries i am respecting myself and loving myself...:)

I know it is hard to do, but remember you have come so far and you are worth it :)

thinkstoomuch · Senior Member

Remember boundaries are for YOU. So, if where you are right now is, you want to go out and have a good time, but anything beyond that is too much right now, then know that, and be prepared if necessary to say something along the lines of "i'm glad we're having coffee (or whatever), but I'm not ready to talk about anything more long-term yet". Being clear about where YOU are is the best thing you can do for your own boundaries.

I still need lots of practice on this myself. It helps me to ask myself, what am I uncomfortable with? What can *I* do or say if that happens, or how can I be prepared if it does (ie, what's my plan B?) It also seems to help me to practice possible ways of saying what I might need to say out loud - I think this is because I'm not used to this, and if I practice, there's a better chance that, if the situation arises, I'll respond from the practiced place instead of the old pre-alanon place. I remember the first time this happened - a situation arose, I practiced a better way of responding, and weeks later it happened again - and these healthier words came out of my mouth! I was kinda like - where did THAT come from? That was ME???!!! Cool!!!

Mariner · Senior Member

Hi (((Shelley)))

I like many codependants have big problems with setting and then keeping a boundary. It takes time and real hard work. I agree with others here, its a good idea to have some very firm boundaries in place before you go, and to have a plan B.
Recently I have let my Abf bulldoze every boundary I thought I had. On reflection I realise I hadn't really thought them through or set them at all ha ha.
The painful aftermath was a very hard lesson to learn. Obviously the only way I learn!
Instead of looking at it as projecting, look at it like planning ahead to keep yourself safe.
I see in your post alot of expectation, and I have learnt the hard way that expectations are future resentments.
My ESH would be to expect nothing more than a nice 'catch up' nothing to heavy or life changing, then you wont be disapointed.
I also see by your posts that you are working your program, and making good progress. And thats what its about Progress not Perfection.

With love hugs and gratitude Carol

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Shelly!!

Great that you're still working at it!! YAY!!
Projection isn't just negative...You can project a positive outcome. It's kinda like
visualizing something in the future coming out the way you want it to. Of course
if you are only into doom and gloom like I use to be with my alcoholic wife (bless her) than the only thing I was able to project was ...doom and gloom. Fear based
is also what I needed to understand about myself because when I was fear based
of course most of my reactions were centered in fear.   Boundaries...How do you
want things to come out for you at the date?   What does a date mean for you?
What happens on a date for you? Will you be incontrol of what happens or will
you allow him to decide what happens to/with you?   Boundaries for me are only
for me and I have responses if I find myself close to one. I will or will not cross
the boundary...of course that is difficult with fear based people like myself. It takes
courage to set up the boundary and then follow thru against all pressure and
persuasion. (that's from the ODAT).    Hey that might be a good idea...read up
about boundaries from our daily literature along with reaching out here.   It would
be great if you had a sponsor also

You have gotten some great feedback from other members to your post, in my
perception. The input on expectations was very good...stuff I can use daily.
The 20th hasn't come yet and you're only into today. Deal with today...turn the
20th over to HP and practice today the good stuff you got for today.

(((((hugs))))) smile

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

The magical thing about setting any boundary, is that it allows you to totally stop projecting about what may or may not happen. See... you think about the scenario, which you have, u sd u dont want to discuss a reconciliation with him right now AND that u will not have a causal relationship with him ( I assume when u say date more than one person at a time (seriously) - u mean be intimate physically with.

Like other said, boundaires are for you to protect yourself and you can change them as need to. They are NOT a way of controlling others but a way for you to control yourself.

If he brings up reconciliations, u can simply say, "I'm not prepared to go there right now." And that is all there is to it.

As with any other occassion, as Tiger suggested, u can opt to leave at any time. Take care of yourself.

Once I began to set boundaries to give myself choices for the future, I was able to focus on the present moment. When I did begin to project, I would expore the thoughts but then get back to the Now. Sometimes that meant setting another boundary for another situation(or individual) or simply just the practise of learning to redirect my thoughts, put them where they need to be, back on me and what can I do today to empower myself & what can I do to allow myself to be healthier.

I knew I was projecting b4 I sometimes got awareness over my own thoughts b/c I would begin to experience anxiety. Now that I can focus on *me* I am actually calm.

Winddancer30 · Member

My personal opinion, projecting would be: I dread going on the date beacuse he is going to -insert usual behavior here.
Setting boundaries ahead of time in your head is just smart. Are you willing to consider reconciliation? yes/no. Are you willing to consider friendship yes/no. Are you willing to stay for one hour? Yes/no.
I wish you Serentiy, and courage and wisdom on your date.
Love,
Julie

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.