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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Dealing with anger
Post Info TOPIC: Dealing with anger
inhisarms


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Dealing with anger
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Hi everyone, I have a question i thought i would bounce off my fellow alanon family to gain a better understanding for myself.

My ABF is in treatment and has been making progress...so things are looking up.  I have a question though on something they are teaching him.  According to them it is ok to be angry, and in the middle of your anger it is ok to say time out, i need a break.  I agree with that.  What i have a hard time accepting is that "time out" is only allowed 15 minutes and then you have to go back to dealing with the issue.

I know i am new and only in the program for 4 weeks now, but i still cant in the heat of an arguement let it all go in 15 minutes.  I want and need time to calm down, refocus and process the fight.  But according to treatment i need to do that in 15 minutes or i am not behaving healthy. 

So i admit i am still angry about alot that has happened and that many of our current arguements stem from my anger at myself, fear of the future...I am working on me.

So am i completely off my rocker to get angry at being told i am only allowed to be angry for 15 minutes?  :) 



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What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself.
Hecato, Greek philosopher
hotrod


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I too had a great deal of pent up anger when my husband was in rehab and it had to do with the past and fear of the future.  I found that anger was best delt with with a sponser or with alanon calls. 

It appears they are suggesting that if the argument gets too heated that you each take a 15 min break to cool off and then resume.  I know many who use the tel at that time and call their sponser to get clarity and calm down.

It is a process and we do not get healthy overnight

Progress not perfection is what we aim for,

Keep sharing here.


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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Jerry F


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Aloha Kim!!  ...and their suggestion is for him.  He is in treatment.  In  Al-Anon I was
taught to make the right decision for me...there is no wrong way or right way there
are only alternatives to solutions.  Do an alternative and as long as you are
working for a solution you will eventually arrive at one.  It may not be the same one
he or she or they or them or others will arrive at and it will be one.  We "take what
we like and leave the rest."   There is no such thing as "cookie" cutter recovery.

Work your own program as it is suggested.

(((((hugs))))) smile

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inhisarms


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Thanks so much!  Jerry, you are so right!  I need to do what works for me.  I know i need time to unwind after an arguement and that is what works for me, so that is what i need to do.  I will work on finding ways to lesson the time, but its my program not his or anyone elses.   Your post made me smile and gave me lots of ESH

Thank you  :)

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What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself.
Hecato, Greek philosopher
Jozie


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inhisarms (((((HUGS)))))

I to have to agree with Jerry... This program is about ME and MY recovery, not my A's...They don't have to like how I run my program and I don't have to like the way they run theirs if they have one...

I too had ALOT of anger when it came to my A's, and since al-anon, I have reallly lessoned the amount of anger I allow myself to have...I too get anger, but since the program I have a better handle on how to relax, pray, and get back to my HP when I get to that state...

I do some daily readers, or just take the time to sit and breathe slowly and get were I need to be, before I take on any or finish an arguement...This is a wonderful program, and ONLY YOU can change YOU... I think it is wonderful that he is working his program, but I also think it is wonderful you found us... Because this my dear... IS ABOUT YOU!!!

Keep coming back.. "It works it you work it" :)

Friends in Recovery....
Jozie...

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Thee Only Journey I Control Is MY Own :)

Gratitude.... Is a God Honoring Attitude! :D
shellyj123


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(((((inhisarms))))
When faced with questions such as yours I remind myself that my program is just that MY program.  I don't have to follow anyone else's guide lines or way of doing things.  I use what works for me and keeps me focused.  There are sooo many tools in this program that I have been able to search and find what works best just for me.

Your friend in recovery.
shelly

__________________

Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!

Only God can turn a mess into a message.

Prayin' on it, Stayin' on it, I will survive it.

If nothing ever changes, nothing ever changes.
inhisarms


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Thanks everyone!  I feel empowered :)  Today is a great day because i am going to be the best me i can be  :)

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What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself.
Hecato, Greek philosopher
kitty


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Right, he is in treatment & they are helping him learn to process or deal with the feelings. If it's too much to handle, u can take a breather & then get back to experiencing it. Sounds like an incubator type of supportive atmosphere for him.  Sober A's in recovery are new at experiencing their feelings. 

As far as how long can I be angry - I may have the need to put something aside, to pull away from it & gain objectivity, I may need to sleep on it or let it go for  awhile.  I do however know that anger precedes pain.  If I want to deal with my anger,  I get to the heart of what caused the pain in the first place.   I also develop fewer resentments this way b/c it never gets to that point. I express the pain in the moment, I handle the emotions as they arise or as quickly as I can.  I am free-er that way and can be relaxed & calm in the present moment.

I did have to work on a lot of forgiveness & things I had to let go. Memories & past experiences would arise in the present as I got deeper into my recovery.  For a while it seemed like a never ending onion peel, with infinite layers to uncover.  You think you get to it and then something else comes up from an even younger age.  Some experience that seemed to be pivotal or it became influential in my life.  Lots of old wounds that I got to uncover, scrub out, re experience the pain of and release it.  Forgive myself for being human in the first place, forgive others & be free from the abuse, trauma, neglect, pain of it. 

Your program/recovery is uniquely you/rs.  Al-Anon is a beautiful thing.  

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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
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