The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I grew up in an upper middle class family where both parents were alcoholics.Drinking and fighting and arguing was the only way I knew life to be.At an early age I took on things like cooking and cleaning so my mom could remain passed out and dad would not fuss when he got home. I rarely invited anybody over, because I did not want them to see how bad it really was.Then when I was 20 I met a handsome man...just home from the Marines and Viet Nam. He drank and liked to have fun. I thought drinking every day was the norm, so I was OK with it. I married him after 5 weeks. My parents had such a fitthat we never had a meal in their home for 7 years. That first meal was my dads funeral meal.
It did not take long to realize things were not so good.I refused to share with any of my family because I was so stubborn and would not allow them to say WE TOLD YOU SO.I decided to stick it outendure the verbal abuse, the lies, the physical abuse.The old phrase, you made your bed, now lie in itkept going through my mind. The drinking got so much worse over the years. March 4th, 16 years ago he went to his first of 5 rehabs. March 5th I went to my first AlAnon meeting. I could tell from the beginning that those strangers around the table would help me. They totally understood. It was the best decision of my life.I attended at least 90 meetings those first 90 days. I got a sponsor and worked the steps. I started doing service work. My new friends held me up until I was able to stand on my own.
Over the years I changes to many things about me. I no longer ALLOW him to tell me if I can or cannot do something. I may say...I am going to the post office, do you want anything while I am out?The OLD me would have saidI want to go to the post office. Do you care if I go? Hed usually tell me I did not need to go and Id stay home. I changed the nagging. I realized I didnt cause it, cant cure it and cant control it. I can only control my own actions and words.I now refuse to get in arguments. I walk away. I say YOU MAY BE RIGHT. It takes two to argue. When I stopped doing that, he stopped trying to push my buttons.
We have been married 40 years now.Over the years he only had 2 years straight with no drinking. It is not easy to watch the person you love kill himself the way your dad and his dad killed themselves, but I remind myself.he has the choice to stop or continue. He KNOWS what it takes and if he refuses to do what it takes, thats HIS choice. Today I choose not to let his actions and his word ruin my serenity. I let go and let God. I accept that I may not like what he does, but I can accept that he is an alcoholic and alcoholics drink.I love my husband very much. There are times I dont like him, but I still love him. I have learned to detach from the disease and not the man.
People often ask me how I do it. I use my AlAnon tools and I also love my jobs.I give 100% to my jobs and the people I serve in them. That gives me several hours each day to feel proud of myself and what I do to make a difference in the lives of others. It gives me time to practice patience and understanding and love.So if I get home to a drunk husband, its not so bad. I still have had a great day. My parents said they stayed together all those years for the children.They did not realize the children would rather they had split up. We never had children, so I did not have that excuse. I choose to stay, so I need to make the best of things.I can be as happy as I make my mind up to be. I dont have to depend on another person for my own happiness.
AlAnon saved my marriage and my sanity. It probably saved my life. I am not sure I could have taken much more at that point I found AlAnon.
It sounds like you have found peace with your decisions. I am happy for you.
I am trying to find decisions that will find me peace also.
When I read your story, what I wanted to know was, "was she happy?"
I can understand that my happiness is my own and that I can choose to make the best of my marriage and detach from what makes me sad about it, or left feeling neglected. I can understand that. I feel in my case it is a choice of tolerance or intolerance.
My biggest question is if I stay in this marriage, at the end of it all...will I be able to say that I was happy? Will I ever be able to say that I am happily married (to a currently sober aH with chronic A behaviour)?
For those that can find true happiness in their situations and relationships, I feel joy for them.
Yes. I am happy. I am not sorry I stayed with him. HE still drinks, but today it is not as often as it used to be. He may drink once or twice a week now, so those days he is sober give me a slight break. I have learned to find my own happiness and not to feel sorry for myself. ONce i put my focus on myself and took it off of him, it helped so much.
Linda thanks for the ESH. I have so very much been grateful for the "happiness is an inside job" philosophy of the program and "...changing myself in spite of the drinking/non-drinking alcoholic". Taking my power over my life back from the disease and all of the alcoholics in my life was a major convincing point for me as I use to think that was impossible and that "they" were responsible for the consequences of my choice...to have them have power over me. Today I can do a real good Martin Luther King impression, "Free at last, FREE at last, THANK GOD I'm FREE at last."
Thanks Jerry. I posted that it was my 16 year anniversary and somebody asked me to share my story. I shortened it a bit from what I'd share at a speaker meeting, but this pretty much covers it.
WOW lin, great share and thank you for sharing your story. 16 years is so inspiring. You are a great example of how to work it and if you do, it really works!! I have not been to a real good speaker meeting in quite some time. I cannot find many old timers here but I will keep looking and keep going anyway. I have not been to a really bright glowing uplifting al anon meeting since leaving Hawaii- I keep going to them anyway, of course!
Thanks so much for telling your story, its so important. Hugs, J.
Thanks so much for sharing your story... I too grew up with an Afather, and know what the fighting and bickering and wanted to crawl in a hole is all about, my father would leave for work and not come home for 2 weeks, and when he did, you knew that it was going to be ugly.... My mother was not a very strong women, when she was with my father, but when her (6) brothers, gave her no choice but to leave, it was the BEST thing she could have done for her (3) kids....
I came down the steps one day to find my mother, about 4 inches off the floor by her throat, so I know all about the abuse as well, memory's like that do not leave your memory as easily... I have fought very hard NOT to get involved with someone like my father...
Funny thing is, they say, that a daughter always tries to marry a man that reminds her of her father, or carries the same traits... In my story, my husband was a drinker and that is most likely what drove us too each other in ALOT of ways, but when my son was born it all changed for me, and for him, he chose to change as well, now i just have to live with his need to "Always be right" and "Always be moody" ...lol...
Which some days, is exactly like living with an A.... But since I started this journey with Al-anon & My HP, this program has already taught me more then I could have emagined... My marriage is stronger then it has ever been because now I know, "How to Let Go & Let God" and except my husband for who and what he is, moods or not... When I can see he is stressed I go else were till he gets a grip on himself, and my son has learned to do the same... He is a wonderful person, I just had to except that tho he was having a bad day it was not my fault, just something he has to work thru, and he don't need me or my input to add to it...:)
I am proud of youfor your strength to see it thru, not many would do what you have, and I am glad that you at least found peace in your job and have a place that makes you happy....GOOD FOR YOU!!!
Keep coming back, because as you know... It works if you work it.... :)
Love & Prayers Friends in Recovery Jozie
Thanks again for your share, sometimes I need to remember what I have over come and how far I turned it around... I am most grateful to see you did the same :)
