The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
"don't leave until the miracles start to happen" echos in my ears as I re-live last weeks happenings. 3 wks ago I told my AH I wanted to live in a non alcoholic home with a non alcoholic family. We might need to separate for 3 mos so at least our kids have one healthy parent. Then see what to do next. His only response was that he would stop drinking and that would deal with it, discussion over.
Ok, so it's no surprise to any of you that his plan hasn't worked yet - better some times but just drinks later in the night and sneakier plus he is a pretty angry man w/o drinking as much and w/o dealing with whatever his personal issues are. 2 wks ago I was sad and grieving loss again so my sponser & I spoke of therapy. I set up an individual for myself and had decided to revisit my earlier conversation w/AH. I wanted to give couples tharapy the final chance so planned to tell him his plan wasn't helping me so I would give couple therapy a chance before talking about separation again. I wasn't sure he would agree to this.
But I never got to have that conversation due to family happenings and a short notice business trip. I told HP I didn't know what to do and felt that hp wanted me to proceed getting new info as I saw my ind therapist and then take the next step. That is what I did. AH returned mid afternoon the day before the morning couple therapy was set up - had no idea how to have time for this topic midweek with kids, school, work all happening. However, in the past two weeks our two teens have been missing school, medical viral illness, depression, anger, failing classes that I have one in wkly therapy now so the child's therapist support the couples therapy for us. If our (the parents) issues are resolved it will reduce the family tension so the teens can improve. This I could tell him quick and AH will actually support that.......... doing for the kids makes him look good.
AH showed up and I had felt I wasn't honest saying it was about us but the therapist handled that saying it was all about us and that was why the teens were acting up. So a difficult conversation with AH, I never had to have and yet he was at therapy. Amazing and I am so grateful. We will try 8 sessions and then decide if separation is needed so therapist will be a support if needed to my future plans too.
At the same time I was meeting with both teens teachers, counselors, principal to get grades and late school work worked out for one teen and for the other teen to actually go to school. Spent an hour frustrated with one teen and the principal said she'd come get him - when I called, she said it was ok as the snow storm expected had closed school for that day. Amazing and the next day that kid returned to school. So HP was knocking down hurdles for me every day last week and I have so much more self confidence that no matter what the outcome of all this, I will be ok.
And more than that, no matter what the outcome, I can accept it as HP's will for my future path - be it separation, treatment, or whatever comes. My positive outlook has taken a leap, I still have very hard moments of grief or doubt but more often the al anon tools are coming to my rescue. And in couples therapy, I listened more, I heard al anon words come out of my mouth appropriatly when asked to respond and I was not intimidated. I was amazed with myself. I am very very grateful for all that I am and continue to learn here & at f2f meetings. Our next couples session will be on family of origin so I have over covered that for myself so I can let AH talk more to figgure things out for himself. I just can not thank HP or al anon enough. Very glad I stuck around to see some miracles start to happen - it is more than I could hope for.
Lots & lots of hugs for all of MIP, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
So glad that miracles are starting to happen for you in your life and that your alanon program is kickin in so well for you. Therapy in addition to alanon definitely helped me, but it often can be a long road, so remember Progress not Perfection and give yourself plenty of time to work out the details.
Aloha ddub!! It works if you work it...and you have worked and continue to work it. The miracles happen beyond you and inspite of you and everyone else involved. That is my experience. I had my will...chose to marry and alcoholic and then chose to "unmarry the alcoholic" those were my choices that came from my thinking and my decisions or reactions. A miracle for me was finding the hotline number under my index finger while I was looking for the phone numbers for Help in emotional problems and the suicide prevention hotline. The miracle was finding someone on the Al-Anon hotline to talk to and no one available on either of the other two call numbers. The miracle continues as I have never met the person I talked to in this program even while I continued to live in that small area for 14 years after going to my first meeting. In spite of everything present and happening I found the door to the right path. There have been more that have kept me here and more deeply involved and I get to watch miracles happen for others. For that I am most grateful and keep coming back. You have done awesome work to arrive at where you are at. That your Higher Power holds you soooo closely and lovingly inspite of your old attempts to control is a miracle. I will keep you and your alcoholic and family in my prayers.
((((((((((((((ddub))))))))))))))))), remember me(?) well I am so pleased you shared this...it makes walking that path to holistic recovery so much easier when one has soujournerers such as you for company.
Love, Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
This is my first response. I just found this forum 5 minutes ago! I've been in Alanon for about 6 months - 3 meetings a week usually.
Anyway, I'm supposed to be the one that 'gets' it so many of the long-timers in Alanon told me anyway. Everyone has been so amazed that I've been sticking to all of the literature and making positive changes with my qualifier (my husband of 29 yrs).
Well - I blew it today! The person that 'gets' it blew it. I created a crisis-which is on the bookmark Alanon has on DETACHMENT. Boy did I blow it. I ended up calling my sponsor after about 5 hrs of really blowing it with my husband via phone and email, yet it was still unknown to me at the time.
She gently told me how badly I had blown it and that I needed to get back to center and serenity and remember that I was addressing the disease and not my qualifier and giving him no dignity to even have space to correct some of his actions himself.
I feel terrible and have apologized and come back to 'center' and serenity. How I could have done this to a man that now has 17 days of sobriety is beyond me! please learn from my post and don't risk someones sobriety with anything that shouldn't be your business. Thank goodness he has not had a drink...probably just stunned that I went overboard since I most usually have a really good sense of serenity. Of course, I was a wife that argued with our marriage counselor when he kept bringing the conversations back to alcohol. I was SO serene for years I didn't even notice my husband even was an alcoholic. I've learned volumes over the last few months. See he was a binge drinker and then was hiding little nips here and there at night. I really had no clue until I realized I was the only one arguing with the counselor. He was sitting there practically crying. what lessons we must learn! Thanks for this forum-----as we say in our meetings --- "try to bring the message and not the mess" Love....
