The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night I went to see Johnny Cash at Folsom prison which is an independent movie. As some of you may know Johnny and June Carter Cash gave a concert at Folsom prison. During that time Johnny met an accomplished musician, Glen Shirley and eventually championed him and when he was released from prison brought him on tour with them. The film chronicles the people whose lives were effected by the "concert". Glen Shirley's family are in the movie and don't seem to have a clue that their father was an alcoholic/drug addict. Eventually over time, Glen Shirley goes off the waggon (if he was ever on one) and eventually commits suicide.
I think what the film brought up for me is that for most of my life I've been like Johnny Cash giving the alcoholics the wrong kind of help. What Glen Shirley needed was rehab and to get clean and then be a musician. Everyone around him saw his potential and wanted to help him but he got the wrong kind of help.
What was also sad for me was that even now years later his family don't acknowledge his alcoholism and substance abuse issue. They said things like "he couldn't cope with the pressure of touring".
Like Johnny Cash I thought I was making some really grand gestures all the times I took care of the ex A and so many other alcoholics. Now I think I did the exact opposite of what needed to be done. The ex A I was with never wanted to address his substance abuse so I tiptoed around it. I felt like some kind of magic would happen with my love that would change him. The reality is that he is and was a substance abuser and the bottom line was that whatever he did it always came down to that. I didn't want to deal with that I wanted to keep "giving" until there was nothing left to give rather than be in reality.
These days if I meet someone with a substance abuse issue I'm always aware of it. I set a lot of boundaries and frankly I don't bank on being anything but peripherally involved with them unless they seek treatment.
Like Johnny Cash my sense of reality wasn't there. I wanted the limelight of "saving" the alcoholic. I didn't want to put myself out of the picture at all which was about the only meaningful thing I could do for the ex A. Believe me he's still not in recovery but I'm no longer one of the enablers who permit him to use.
I do loved Johnny Cash, I have 8 yr old nephew who also for some reason is drawn to Johnny Cash...I to seen where they all just brushed the alcohol factor to the side...Which was "Really" what he was all his life...
I to use to tip toe around my Afathers alcohol, and when I lost him them I just drove my self crazy, in the what ifs, and what I should have" done... I know see I did what I could, and that had to be good enough... As for my Abrother... I do not know "tiptoe" around his illiness... I let him make his own way, and "detach" with Love the best I can... I don't pretend it isn't so... I except 'It is what it is"... Not always easy to do... Just the cold hard facts.....
I sometimes wonder if my sister is ever going to "get it". I didn't grow up with alcoholics around me that much. I was lucky that my parents barely drank. I remember my aunts and uncles, but it never really affected us. It's funny I listent to people around me talk, and some (besides my sister) are clearly in denial. But I can't live my life for my sister or for them. I can plant the seed and hopefully it will grow.
You've grown a lot in this program. Your awareness is wonderful to see. Keep up the great work. Thanks for sharing this. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
-- Edited by Karilynn at 17:49, 2009-03-01
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I think what the film brought up for me is that for most of my life I've been like Johnny Cash giving the alcoholics the wrong kind of help. What Glen Shirley needed was rehab and to get clean and then be a musician. Everyone around him saw his potential and wanted to help him but he got the wrong kind of help.
This jumps out at me.....my son is a musician and for the last 4 months has played no music.... he'd hung on to his precious guitar through the last 11yrs of progressive alcoholism and recently sold it for the price of a bottle of booze....someone got a good buy.... I know he's missing music making... is he missing it enough?? Will rehab work this time???
a good share on examining motives, thanks Maresie. I know that I have tried this, too. I have learned more and more that its best to do less and less and less. I no longer reach out. Part of this is sad but for me, bit its needed. hugs, J.
