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Hi all, I'm new to the board. I hope to get some help here, since I don't know where else to turn.
my boyfriend of 3 years is a food addict. When I first started dating him, I had known him for years; he had ballooned in weight to what he said was 450lbs, and he had blamed his past really awful marriage for his overeating. He had always been chubby over the years, except for a year or two when he got his weight down, before he started dating the woman who became his wife. He did have a lousy relationship.
we started as friends but despite my reservations about his weight, I fell for him, and we began dating. I love when he kisses me. I think he's handsome and smart. I thought, now that he's with me, of course he'll lose the weight. and that's what he said, too. A few months in, I was hoping to see improvement, but he hurt his leg and couldn't walk. He was talking to a counselor, but said he wasn't getting anything out of it.
His doctors wanted him to get bariatric surgery, but he didn't think it would work, since he was an emotional eater and he's known plenty of people who were able to put back the weight even after the surgery, that he needed to treat his underlying addiction before he could do any surgery. All sound arguments. Then he got weighed and it turned out he was 550.
In the 3 years together, he put on another 100 lbs. It makes sex very difficult. Lately I have been reluctant to have sex because it's just too hard on me. He gets mad/frustrated and says he can't be in a relationship if there's no intimacy. My feeling is I'm so tired of his weight issues, that it's kinda a buzzkill.
We've broken up several times, but i do love him, and we keep getting back together. He promises to lose the weight, but I've only seen him go up and down 40 pounds over the past year. He's struggling, but he has a lot of excuses why he doesn't have a team of people to help him. Some of the excuses sound reasonable, but like I said, it's been years. So I said I had it, I couldn't deal or be supportive anymore. We broke up a few months ago, but we got back together around christmas when he said he'd do anything and everything to do it for real. In January he told me he had several relapses, several bad weeks. I was so frustrated with this admission, that a few weeks ago, I set a deadline: he needs to get out ofthe 600-lb range by May 1. I am trying not to be codependent or whatever, but I needed a deadline, because i'm tired of waiting, and hearing all the excuses/reasons why it's a slow process, etc. Last night we had another blowout, and he says he doesn't want a deadline, he wants to be loved for who he is.
I said I love him, I understand his challenges and his illness and etc., but there's a LOT of impacts on me that makes it so hard to be with him. He's underemployed, he can't afford to live with me, he lives at home with parents, we can't walk together, travel together, he's in the hospital a lot because of his weight's affect on his health, he gets silently angry at little kids who point at his size, he doesn't have nice clothes to go to events with me. He has spent every last cent of his savings on food, and owes a lot to his credit cards. He can't fit in my car. He doesn't feel comfortable on my furniture. He is in constant pain and his groans and occ. shrieks of pain scares me, but he won't take pain pills. His doctors in the hospital seem to treat him like a lost cause unless he has the surgery, he says.
It seems that all we talk about is his issues. I'm so tired of talking about his issues. He gets mad because I'm not understanding or that I don't have faith in him. I say faith is based on progress and history, and tell him that my hope for our future is fading. He says that's not real love.
I have an appt. to see a therapist in a few weeks. He's waiting for a new insurance to kick in before he explores another therapist, but again, he hasn't had much luck with them in the past. He doesn't like OA or other 12 step programs. He is waiting for his leg to get better before he begins exercising. I feel like any true recovery remains on hold, although he says he's doing great lately with his overeating, and that maintaining is a big thing for an overeater. I don't know if I should keep holding on and having faith in him, but occ i get frustrated and impatient and he flips out on me that I'm not helping his recovery.
among other questions: am i doing him a disservice by staying with him? Can this relationship be saved?
Well you are in the right place. Whether or not you can "save" the relationship al anon can help you. No one here is going to tell you what is or what isn't a good relationship.
Al anon can help you focus on yourself, learn how to detach, work out what you need and take action to get it.
There are lots and lots of people here who have lived with, dealt with, been swamped by another person's needs and dysfunctions. You are in the right place.
Beachmum, I'm not familiar with OA, but as far as I can see it's just another 12 step program that works like AA and until your boyfriend realizes he's powerless over his weight problem, he's never going to be able to quit eating. He may be right in that the surgery won't do him any good if he's not ready to change his mindset.
The main question for you, as an al-anon (and you can replace alcohol, with your food-addict bf) is can you work Step 1: I am powerless over alcohol and that my life has become unmanageable. Then go on down the steps. Is this the type of life that you want for yourself, because as the alcoholic is concerned we can't change, control or cure the addict. We have to take care of ourselves and do what is right for us.
It sounds like your bf has been fighting this addiction for a long-time, much like an alcoholic would. In the end the disease can destroy their health and take their life. It sounds like your bf already has health issues that parellel these problems.
Work your al-anon program, keep posting here and find a f2f group if you can that can help you with taking care of yourself. I wish you luck on your journey.
Beachmum, Thanks for your story. Yes, you belong here. An addiction is an addiction, and Al-Anon has helped many of us find serenity whether the addict is active in his disease or not.
I have attended OA myself, and was able to embrace the whole program, because it is VERY similar to AA and Al-Anon. In OA they work the steps, get a sponsor, read literature, write, go to meetings, use the slogans and all the other tools just like Al-Anons do.
As Java and Maresie have said, the only thing we have any control over is ourselves. If we keep doing what we've been doing, we'll keep getting what we've been getting. We are all here because we are trying to change our own behavior, and although that sounds simple, it isn't easy.
I hope you have a Higher Power. You are going to need one. Now that you've told us how unmanageable your life is, can you admit your powerlessness over your boyfriend and/or his food? We are here to listen as you go through the process.
