The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
At the moment I am working very consciously to shed the victim role which I am very famiiar with. Besides an attitude change for me it means lots of letting go. When I give someone something I have to let go of how they use it. When I am misunderstood often I have to let go that people don't understand me.
Above all day in day out I have to let go of where I am and how I am going to move from where I am and how I am going to manage. Every day I do the best I can. Some days I do better than others. Some days I fal linto the victim role many many times. I choose to "let go" as many times as I consciously can in order to move on. I also choose that life is messy and I don't get to have a perfect seamless life day in day out.
For me the tools are so cirtical. When I let them go (like at Christmas) my quality of life plunges. When I am active, focused, present and clear on meeting goals I do better. I have to be so "wise" about expectations. I have some obviously but I monitor them all the time. I set limits, adjust boundaries (that is part of the mystery of boundaries for me) and seek better interactions (not with the same people - some people I have to give up on!).
I never saw not being a victim as a choice before. I'm not in a great place on so many levels, I'm isolated, poor, unemployed, have major health issues and struggling. Nevertheless the more I let go, the more I choose not to be victimized by my situation the better my life is.
((((Maresie)))) Sounds to me like you are a perfect example of working this program. I hope we can all learn something from your ESH, I know I have......
many thanks your friend in recovery shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
sure we all have plenty of ammo to be the victim! PLENTY! I won't bother going into mine but believe its there big time!
But I know I am supposed to be where I am. If I am lacking in something (someone, etc. etc.), it must mean I do not really need it right now, I just think I do : ). I will let HP deal with the stuff that comes my way, after all he brought it my way so he must have a plan for me to get through it- all the stuff that used to make me feel like the victim. Its actually hard work to keep that whiney thing going, you know. Hugs, J.
I agree with Shelly that you are working your program to the best of your ability One Day at a Time, with your eyes wide open. You're aware of your shortcomings and you make allowances for that. Go easy on yourself, we all fall into the victim roll at times.
The tools of the alanon program are the handles we have to sanity. The slogans, gratitude lists, sponsorship, meetings, and service work. All of these keep us on track and keep us from slips in the program. Again it's Progress not Perfection and it's easy to beat ourselves up when we feel that we aren't where we should be, but we're exactly where our HP wants us and he is growing us through our experiences into the people he wants us to be.
As far as expectations go they are just premeditated resentments and I know for me I have to watch my expectations of things every day, so I don't have resentments later. Boundaries have been hard for me to set with people, especially with people I love, but I at some time have to put myself first and set a boundary with some people that some things are not acceptable with me, and I have to draw a line, a limit to what I will put up with.
I think you're doing great Maresie, keep up the good work.
It works if you work it, your worth it, so let's work it!
Thanks so much for your post. As ever very thought provoking and such great insight.
I've fell headlong into the victim role recently without even realising it, and its affecting how people respond to me.
Setting and keeping boundaries is near impossible for me but I am trying. Staying focused is also another big issue for me. I've made a short list of my most important goals and look at it everyday, I've tried to keep my expectations within reason so as not to feel disapointed or disheartend. You are so right in that we do have a choice. Thanks again for your es&h
Letting Go and Letting God has been pretty tough on me as well, for I was always the one that would come in and sweep up the pieces after everything went crazy... I have to stick to my guns on a daily, sometimes, Minute by minute basis... I have to practice all I have learned and put it to good use as often as I can or I Loose it again... Then have to work twice as hard to get it back...I knew this wasn't going to be easy But I am very grateful like you to come as far as I have....
One day a time hun... We all need a little push, and I am most grateful for all of you who have pushed me along in my New Life...
