The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is what I dont understand. It seems to be the same story from everyone. The A drinks too much, crosses serious lines in relationships, then moves out and runs away from everything leaving destruction behind. Why is it the same story? What is it about this disease that makes them so selfish and hurtful?
I can only speculate the answers, can only guess why someone would run away from things they love when they have made the mistakes. But damn does it suck. I hate having to do things one day at a time, when it wasnt like that two weeks ago.
What a horrible disease!! I will get through this - I know I will. It doesnt matter if he does or doesnt. That is his choice. I will take the strength from everyone around me who loves me and supports me. MY life will be better.
Actually I don't think all the stories are the same. Codependency can show up in many different ways in us. The focus has to be on us not on the alcoholic. Melody Beattie recently said in an interview it was about not being able to take care of ourselves. I think that is one the one common denominator. I really have had to let go of "why" and focus on me. I no longer wonder why an active alcoholic does anything I've surrendered that. I know I have to focus on changing my own behavior too. Changing myself is a herculean task. I think I focused on others because I did not know how to focus on me.
Hi Cyn, I dont know the answers to your qestions, but I have pondered the same questions over and over. I am still with my ABF, but wonder if he will run after treatment. I dont like the fear of not knowing, but i guess that is control i need to release.
My guess is, and it is just a guess is that they run because they feel guilty and dont have the strength to face the music. They know what they have done, the pain they have caused and they dont know how to undue it. Running is always the easy way out, the problem is their running will catch up with him someday. Maybe you wont see it, but eventually they will have to come to terms with their choices. If they truely work their program, they will one day have to deal with the guilt, plus the fact that they ran.
Lifting you up to my HP,
__________________
What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself. Hecato, Greek philosopher
How very, very true. Focusing on ourselves is so hard! If you aren't use to it, it is even harder. This is where I'm at. I've been reading, working out, watching my weight. Doing what I want, when I want, taking care of me ... Then A/exbf pops back into the picture and It's back to HIS way!!! That's what I am trying to change... Maresie, Your last sentence really hit me... i don't know how to focus on my self. I want that to change so bad... Thanks
I can't know how it is for an addict. My exAH never would have "allowed me" to leave him, so I left in haste, spontaneously on vacation. He never would have left me, it was too easy abusing & manipulating me. I left & developed boundaries.
I do concur, that an A in treatment may not be able to stand the consequences or face what they did or perhaps their significant other is in treatment & the A doesn't like the boundaries being set or the change in their enabler, so they look for an easier enabler, one willing to go along with the abuse & dysfunction.
As far as, hating focusing on today - I finally came to terms logically & in al-anon, that if I am not focusing on today & this moment, I am not really living. The truth is this moment is all any of us has - this is reality - not yesterday & not tomorrow. I may have been abused yesterday but it is not my reality today. I used to live my life focusing on tomorrow & it gave me nothing but anxiety, fear & worry and focusing on past pains, only reinforced the pain I experienced & made it possible for me to relive it now. I no longer do this. It was a vicous circle of pain.
It took me a long time to be able to focus on me, without guilt & without feeling bored. But the truth is, I am all I have control over and I am all I can change.
-- Edited by kitty at 11:53, 2009-02-26
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
What hotrod said about this being a disease is soooo true. You can't blame someone for having a cold!! To me it's the same. I know how frustrating it is to have someone hurt you and not being able to tell the "hey you hurt me and you have to be responsable for that!!"" It sucks, but that is what we have to focus on, I guess. In being able to heal ourselves and go on and taking care of US.
__________________
Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.
I do think what Kitty says is true. Living around active alcoholics I get to see how they set up a whole field of enablers. If you aren't enabling, watch out, you will be a target for their rage. I think that's one of the key issues that doesn't get talked about that much. Stop enabling and they aren't exactly going to be thrilled!
I know for sure the exA only calls because he is looking for me to enable him. As I am not I don't answer. In all his persistent calls he has never once said how you are, are you okay, are you allright, how are you doing, no its demand demand demand left on the voice mail. I never paid attention to that before. I doubt he ever asked me in all the 7 years how are you? When I was ill he was annoyed, guess why I wasn't enabling him then.
It is a good question Cyn. When I come here and ask "why?" they say don't get into the whys's but focus on myself. Maybe because there is no answer to the why's except that it is a disease.
My AHSober ran away too. I was devastated. Nothing I could say or do would change things. So I am in recovery for myself and my family. It gets better but it is so sad for me. It has taken alot of effort for me to learn to let go and look towards my HP for serentiy, solace, and guidance. Still trying.
I never thought about the fact that NOT enabling the A may be frustrating to them and thats where rage might come from. I dont chase after my A - I rarely do. When he storms out of a room and throws a fit, I dont go after him. He has to come to me and apologize. I have always treated him like that. Maybe this situation I am in is no different. When he moved out, he kept telling me - "no matter what you say, I am not coming back right now so dont get your hopes up". I thought to myself - who is asking him to? Not me. Friends of both of ours kept telling me - not to let him back over the weekend and I kept wondering why anyone was thinking I would let him, I wasnt asking him to in any way. I never thought about how much angrier it made him that I wasnt begging and pleading. I didnt think about how much he wanted that and that it could make him mad.
I think I am the first to NOT enable him in his life. Everyone always tells me to leave him alone, let him sleep off his drinking, etc, etc, etc. His parents have allowed him to do whatever he wanted, I never did. I held him to every responsibility from paying me rent, paying for food, taking the dog out, etc. I always felt bad for doing that because it always seemed to make him angrier. Now I understand why!!!
Well cyn keep reading cause thier not all the same , we the non drinker end up pretty much the same , no self esteem , no self worth , angry and frustrated , but our stories are unique . I have been married 43 yrs husb 20 yrs sober this year , and there are many of us who have been able to stay in our marriages thanks to this program . Not all alcoholics are physically abusive , not all turn thier backs on thier children . This is a disease cyn and it dosnt care who it gets it dosen't stop to see if the victim has children or a wife who loves them , this is an equal oportunity disease ,rich- poor- smart -not so much it simply takes the man or woman and leave us with someone we dont recognise anymore . the only thing that really matters is what someone elses drinking does to us and Al-Anon will help u with that . With the help of this program and the people in it your absolutley right U will be alright . It only takes one person to change to create change . Keep commin Louise
I work my program as best I can. I take care of myself first. I attend two Al-Anon meetings each week. I check into the MIP board daily. I read Al-Anon literature and other related books. My life is so much better and I am proud of how far I have come.
But------ "Sometimes late at night"----- I can't help but think how many problems, lost of good times, quality of life, etc. etc. this disease had brought into my life. I, like lots of others get sick and tired of being sick and tired of what this disease takes away. It never gives, only takes away. I get tired of going home each day to the disease never knowing what will be waiting, and to what extent. It is so hard not to feel these feelings, and not think "Why Me". But, it is not just me. It is all of us affected by the disease of alcoholism. This is not a pity party, just me being honest with you and myself.
With the help of my HP and this program I accept and do the best I can to live with the disease. But----- "Sometimes late at night"----- I wonder to myself, would I be happier and my life better if I just ran away?
So, Cyn why do they always run away? I don't know. I just know I have thought about doing the same. And,---- If I make it until next Wednesday it will be our 17th Anniversary. HP has shown me more reasons to stay than to run.
I no longer wonder about what A's behaviors, actions or thoughts are. I work to keep the focus on my own actions, behaviors and thoughts. Most days, my own behaviors, thoughts and actions are more than I can manage which is why I have a god of my understanding to turn them over to. Love this program. Hugs, J.
The stories are similar due to the disease of Alcoholism...everyone involved have the some or all of the same signs and symptoms of the disease...just as those struck by diabetes or heart disease...this disease is no different... Our resentments...I find are like cancer...an emotional cancer that festers and grows until we release the toxins. The tx for alcoholism is different than most diseases though...it take time and a good support group...whether it be AA or Alanon or just counseling...we all need it to live happy and healthy.
Brightmommy
__________________
"if you can't say nothing nice, don't say nothing at all!!"
Good question!! I didn't see them as all the same because I was unique I thought and different needing different treatment. That was until an early sponsor taught that the solutions are in the similarities. This is a program as you have realize where we see ourselves in other members pre-preprogram experiences and then listen to their solutions on how to change or get out of that bad situation. In getting out of that bad situation I had to first accept that it was me that got myself in it and that I couldn't forefit my responsibility to the alcoholic's disease. I knew that one was correct when I started totaling up all of my alcoholic relationships outside of the family I was born into. I am responsible.
I did enjoy your question "why is it always the same..." from another angle. If it were always different I might have never learned the program and then made it mine. I might still be "out there" looking for elusive solutions rather than just be "out there" for the fun of it. Today I can be crazy just for the fun of it and not because its what I really am.
I loved all the responses too. This family rocks!!
Good question, good answers. I like what abbyal said too,;he a's aren't the same, but the effect on us, their family and friends, leaves us wondering about ourselves, and thank God often leads us to alanon. There are so many tools in the program that if we stick with it, we continue to grow ourselves and even come to respect ourselves. You seem to be on your way already :)
pw I only regret I didn't use a larger font here, and will be darned if I can type it all over again :)
You know....Even"IF" we had all those answers to the "whys", we'd still be powerless and the A's would still be doing what they do because they don't really think too much about "why" or answers....and we'd still have to work on us. So IMO, answers wouldn't really change a thing.
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
An active A will protect their disease to the exclusion of ALL others....they detach, they impose boundaries, all done with love.....for the bottle.
If we choose, we may feed off the little nuggets of hope that they throw us.
While they are aneistethised we are sober and raw.
In Alanon we rediscover ourselves, strengthen ourselves, regain our self respect, trust in the ESH, shape our boundaries to protect ourselves.....begin the process of detaching with love.....?
