The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband passed from alcoholic poisoning and I'm having a difficult time. Some of his family blames me for his death. I tried to get him help more than once. I took him to detox but it didn't stick. So i gave him and ultimatum to chose his family and get help or his addiction. a few days later he got check in but passed. And his parents say i let him die. They don't know everything i did to get him better. but won't listen. I guess they just want someone to blame. I just don't want my son to think that i am to blame. Please if anyone any suggestions on how to deal and how to heal...??
I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. My son like your husband went to several detox hospitals and rehab centers but was not able to remain sober, He too passed from this disease.
Alanon meetings would be a great help for you to share your grief and pain and an excellent place for your husband's family to gain some insight into this disease. They will find how truly poweless you were to combat it.
Your son would also be able process his loss and his grief in AL ATEEN Meetings You can find al anon/alateen meetings looking in the White pages.
Please take care of yourself. Try to rest and come here and share often. Please accept my deepest sympathy
You know you did the best you could. We have a slogan in al-anon called the 3 c's. "I didn't Cause Alcoholism, I can't Control Alcoholism and I can't Cure Alcoholism".
If there is anyway you can get to a face to face al-anon meeting near you, I would highly recommend it.
You will find people there who understand and can help you to learn how to deal and heal with the affects of living with alcoholism.
Reading on this board is a great resource too. And we have an online chat room here open 24/7, with meetings twice a day. There is a link at the top of the page in the yellow box.
Aloha Joanne...Your husband reached one of the three choices of the disease of alcoholism, sobriety, insanity or death. Unfortunately for everyone it was death. You have come to the right place...the right family. You have found others who understand where you are at and how you got here because we have been on that journey some more than others. I have lost alcoholic family members (too many) and never lost a spouse to the disease. Does it matter?
You gave him a choice which was just the same as saying what you were choosing, a life without alcoholism and addiction. I have heard it said that the two feelings that attend death are remorse and resentment. Resentment from blame seems to be shakled to alcoholism. Try out the 3Cs for yourself. You didn't cause it, couldn't control it and couldn't cure it. Save those for yourself on a daily basis so that you become accustomed to them and can build a defense of awareness against false blame. The 3Cs are fact. Alcoholism is a family disease and only the alcoholic can stop his addiction to alcohol or he goes insane and dies in the result.
So you are still alive. Great!! alcoholism does take the lives of others also and allows the drinker to continue. I have seen that many times. What can you do? First you came looking and found others who understand the disease and what it does to victims who participate in the life of an alcoholic. You have asked for help. People who are aware that they need help do that also. You will get a bunch of support and suggestions. My suggestion is to take the suggestions seriously because they have actually worked for those who are finding real freedom from the affects of someone elses drinking. Freedom from guilt, shame, blame, anger, rage, confusion, anxiety, depression, lack of awareness, addiction to addicted people and a multitude of other freedoms...freedom to, freedom of, freedom from!!
You are here now. Keep coming back often. Raise your hand and ask questions and vent your feelings and thoughts. Always keep an open mind...that's key.
hello angel am so sorry for your loss , this is not your fault I hope u know that . Your husb made a choice to continue drinking and went for help too late . His fight is over now. I assume u aren/t going to meetings for yourself please find Al-Anon meetings for yourself and ultimatley your son . As far as his parents go they have to blame someone and unfortunatley your it . don't take on what thier saying you know it's not true it is thier grief talking . there is no need for you to listen to thier abuse or opinions simply walk away . again am so sorry for your loss
I just wanted to say that I am also sorry for your loss of a husband and of a father for your child. You are not to blame. You didn't cause it. You couldn't control it. You couldn't cure it. You have a lot to deal with and youve come to the right place. we are all here for you.
When I came here, and even still, I felt so blessed to finally have a place where people who understood me, gently took me under their wing and helped me to stand back up, until I could do it again on my own. Face to face alanon meetings are like that also. I hope you find your way to the meetings for yourself (and possibly for your child? I'm not sure how old your child is)
Some people in grief lash out. Please don't take it personally that's harder said that done of course. My younger sister has been an end stage alcoholic for years. I know when the inevitable happens people will say the same thing to me that I did not "help" her.
One resource that I think might help you is to go to a grief group. There are many people withmixed feelings at a grief workshop. You can really let out of some of your emotions there.
There are people on this board who have lost loved ones to the disease. My ex A boyfriend is somehow hanging on despite many serious illnesses. I have given up waiting for the call that something happened to him. I think for me its been about giving him back to his HP.
I can imagine your anger, pain, sense of abandonment and sense of loss. I can also imagine its a shock. I hope you wil lean on this group. We have a chat room that is a great help when you are in a lot of pain. When I first got here a few years ago I spent a lot of time there. There are also two meetings a day here which are a great help.
I know this is a very hard time for you but we do have some inkling of what you are dealing with. Many of us deal with chaos on a daily basis and have a huge mess to deal with. I know I do.
I look forward to getting to know you and support you in this very difficult time for you.
You are in the right place for support...Find an Alanon meeting f2f in your home town. You may also want to seek grief counseling for both you and your son. Hang on to the 3 C's...You didn't cause it, you could not cure it, and you couldn't change it. Know you did everything in your power to help your husband with HIS addiction. For now, take it one day at a time and continue to work the program seeking guidance and help from your HP.
Love, Brightmommy
__________________
"if you can't say nothing nice, don't say nothing at all!!"
I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my beloved Tim 7 months ago. It was unexpected and broke my heart. I am glad I was home when it happened. There are days and nights when I can't bear the loss. I miss him everyday. But he's in my heart and I know he's with us. I am a great believer in signs. He has let us know that he's okay in many ways. His morning glories bloomed when they weren't suppose to. A deer looked in the window straight at Pipers Kitty and I. The cat would normally freak out and didn't. Somehow I knew he was looking in on "his girls". There are many other times I know he is with me. Your hubby is with you too. You must have loved him very much. Know that he loved you and your family too but his disease didn't allow him to always show you.
You heal bit by bit. You get to your Alanon meetings and know that you are not alone. If his family wants to blame you, so be it. You can't control them and how they think. None of this is your fault. The same way it wasn't mine. You allow yourself time to grieve and heal. Alanon will help. I couldn't have done this without my loving family here. You are not alone in this journey of recovery. We are all here for you.
Remember to be gentle with yourself. You will get through this. Look for signs that he's in a better place and his battle is over. For me, that is such a relief. It broke my heart everytime he took a drink. My Tim was an exceptional man, as I am sure yours was too. Hold close to the good memories. Hold your Alanon family close too. They are my lifeline. Saying an extra prayer for you and your family. I know how hard this is. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Thank you all for you kind words and support. I'm so glad I found this site where everyone knows what I'm going thru. I'm trying to find meeting in my area. I haven't found many but I plan on going soon. Thanks again to everyone. Your thoughts are very comforting.
I'd also like to say I'm so sorry. It is especially sad since he had checked in for detox. It is said that alcoholism is a family disease. It's repercussions reach far and wide as you can tell by what his family is saying. The reality is, they couldn't fix it or do enough either, or they would have. No one could but your husband. You could no more stop him from drinking then you could make someone drink that didn't want to. I do hope they (and you) understand some day for your sake and theirs. Blame solves nothing at this point.
I'm glad you plan on finding a meeting.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
