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Well as you know one person who I had hoped was going to be a friend of mine let me down after promising to meet me sometime last week. This morning was the first time I've seen her since the "stood up". I discussed this issue in therapy so I was well aware this is something I'm pretty awkward at. As Ms Overinvolvement I'm all good at knowing what the other person "should" do. There was no explanation given other than she was "busy". I tried really hard to keep it pleasant and have to say it was a very good awkward. I'm well aware these days that being over involved is what I 'know" being detached is foreign, alien and doesn't exactly feel familiar. I also had a not too pleasant encounter with a "colleague" this morning that could have turned into world war III under normal circumstances. I let go with a scowl rather than escalate things. For me that's progress. Of course I'd like to tell you all that I'm Ms. Sweetness and light but I have to say I do have resentment to the "friend who was meant to be". Needless to say she asked me to help her with something and I warmly declined!
My therapists describes these experiences as good awkward and bad awkard. I certainly know bad and I'm trying to seem something good in not being so black and white and really trying to be cordial. I can't say I feel cordial but I make an effort. I act "as if". Sometimes I think I deserve one of those oscars that were handed out last night!
Well.. I don't know if you 'deserve' that kind of treatment however sometimes when things like that happen it is an eye opener, as to how we Allow "others" to take part OR take Over our lives... I was one to make all the plans, call for visits with the kids, run eveyone everywere, and since this hole "releasing of ones self" I am SLOWLY learning the "detachment" of it all...
Now I don't know that any of it is all that easy, but I am taking it one day at a time, and I hoping to find my "Gold Smile" at the end of the Rainbow... I don't want much...Just ME!!!
I am sure it was awkard, but Good For You...For Pushing Thru, and Doing it with Grace... Kutos to you Marisie... :)
Seems you handled things pretty darn well. I recently had a similar instance. It was my son's friends Mom. I tried to give her the benifit of the doubt (2x) but I consider some things just rude. Not calling when you say you are going to be somewhere and not showing up is just unacceptable to me. I declined another invitation because she had asked me first, so I ended up sitting at home waiting until it was too late to go anywhere.
The final straw was she kept saying how she loved to paint and even went to Lowe's with me to choose colors, practically begging me to let her help. On the weekend I bought the paint I called her and said "I'm ready when you are." She said "great!!", she had to get groceries but she'd be right over afterward. I never heard a word from her and ended up painting my whole upstairs by myself. She called several days later while I was in the post office and acted like nothing happened. She asked if I was ready to get started. I know I sounded shorter then I meant to but they had just called my number and it was my turn. I said "It's all ready done, I have to go." I haven't heard from her since, and I'm quite OK with that.
I'm a pretty tolerant person but dissing me 3x is a deal breaker. Normally it wouldn't have happened that many times except for she is son's friend's Mom so I bent a little more then usual.
Some people just don't have consideration for others. It's certainly not how my Momma raised me. I would never just blow someone off and let them sit and wait. I'd at least have the courtesy to give a flimsy excuse..lol
I guess we could look on the bright side. It's a good way to weed people out that may be toxic or someone that we wouldn't want to call "friend" after all.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
The thing I have noticed over time is that we codependents are very stuck on keeping our word and expecting the same of others whereas those who are not codependent seem to have more to focus on than the one thing we are obsessed with. That's been my take on it at least. It has been very hard for me to get to a place where I am ok whether someone shows or not. It took a lot of telling myself I'm going to have fun with or without this person and if they don't come I have just as good of a plan b. I'll go by myself and have fun and possibly meet a new person while out and if the companion shows they show. It all comes down to revolving your life around yourself or around other people and what they say they will do i.e. our expectations of them. My ESH here... always, always, always have a plan b and assume that the person won't show when they do it's a happy surprise rather than a let down when you're expecting it and they don't.
I do indeed always have a plan be. I let go absolutely right away. At the same time if someone stands me up these days I'm no longer willing to be stood up again. I can be cordial and pleasant but I'm not going to give them a chance to do it again.
One of my core issues with the ex A was always allowing him to behave badly. He behaved badly, I excused it. I found a way round it. I then asked him again. Nowawadays I am aware when people are not doing what they said they were going to do for me. In certain situations like work I do have to deal with them. If I have a choice I set distance.
