The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I didn't want to "steal the thread" off of Jean and sidetrack her very deserving appreciation of not being on the rollercoaster, so I decided to post a new thread with the thoughts she provoked in me with her thread, "Not getting all whipped up and its really a good thing"
I find with myself, I sort of crave and provoke the rollercoaster relationship. My aH from whom I am separated is very mellow. Very mundane. Is very low maintenance. Very go with the flow. I on the other hand ... if I am not worrying about something, I am worried that i've forgotten what I should be worried about.
I like things in specific order. I always have to have something to be looking forward to. I am taking constant inventory of people, places, things. If I purposely stop that ... I'm bored outta my skull.
As recent as last night, aH was visiting with us and I found myself almost picking a fight with him, making issue out of something that I found a little annoying, but realistically not something that really needed addressing... because I was bored. I had nothing consuming my mindspace. Things were peaceful. Things were normal. We were quietly watching tv with our son. It's almost like I needed something dramatic to fill my mind and so I began creating it. I do this often and historically. For example, I will be full aware of say a financial issue between aH and I and we will have discussed it. Then, when there seems nothing else going on to worry about, even days or weeks later, it will pop in my head and then I'll obsessively and excessively bring up this issue again and get "all whipped up about it" and it would lead to a huge fight, and possibly another separation.
On one hand I hate the drama, on the other hand I LOVE the drama.
If I took my "drama" issues out of the relationship equation, I would probably for the most part have the calm, peaceful, non rollercoaster, relationship that sounds so serene. I would have the "twilight"! It "sounds" lovely, but it would "feel" so boring to me, right now.
I hope one day I can find serenity with serenity, if that makes any sense at all.
Perhaps filling my "adrenaline" needs with more productive things (rather than using my aH as a prop in my adrenaline screenplays) would be a little more reasonable.
Hi Rora, I have been thinking that maybe its just aging! I mean, I am exhausted. I am 45 and I have been through a lot (at my own hand, I might add, just like you describe in your share). I am tired. I no longer want to stir up the pot much, if at all. Maybe its just aging. The "fight" has gone out of me and I am in a place where I feel like its a blessing. Life is hard enough as it is. For me to actively work at making more war, more fights, more confrontations is ridiculous.
Also, I think that when HP really took up residence in me, alot of things no longer really mattered that much. Someone says to me: "geez, you are really remarkable!" and another person says to me: "geez, you are really a jerk!" (sometimes inside of one single day) and its all the same, its about them and their perceptions coming out through projections 9 times out of 10. I just had this happen, actually. Now it makes me laugh! Before it used to freak me out.
Everything gets passed to HP, like the dog down on the floor begging for your food/table scraps. I toss everything down to be gobbled up by HP. Every bit of it. Hugs, J.
"The difference between boredom and being at peace is the degree of comfort we have in our own company."
I saw that quote yesterday and I didn't much like it. I am never bored. Really, I am not. If I feel bored, I find something to do. I think it is because I was an only child with parents who were NOT kid people.
And when my kids have said they are bored, I tell them that's impossible because only lazy people get bored and they are not lazy therefore they cannot be bored. Looking back I think that was a bit harsh, but honestly, it got the point across.
Now, as far as the drama, I was addicted. I grew up with it, so living without it was like trying to live without air. I didn't know that I could live without it. Then I got to a point that I I was really sick of the drama. Really sick of it. I had to make a change. It was hard and it took time. Today, when drama enters, and it always does in one form or another, I react like most people. With annoyance, not joy. With acceptence and determination rather than mania and excitement.
You'll get there if you want. Time takes ime (I hate that one too!!)
How did you grow up? I grew up in total absolute chaos. I know how to do that. Peaceful co existence no experience at all. Al anon helps wiht tools, one is detachment. Detachment takes a while to learn. For me it took years. Awareness is part of it. For me having awareness without beating myself up is truly a miracle.
No kidding I think this post/subject and the responses is college level Al-Anon. Really useful ladies and I am grateful for all of your ESH. Thanks for letting me peek.
One of my courses on the subject of drama was if you don't like your part in the play...change the script....or leave the stage. Just about 2 cents worth.
