The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My struggle is how to move forward after all the hurt and pain that has been caused by the addiction in a marriage. My husband is now in recovery and has been for 7 months this time. He has said and done a lot of things during the active addiction that he would not normally do. He has had several emotional affairs on me which I feel are the most difficult to move forward. Seems that when I say I forgive you things go well for a bit and then BAM...he has done it again...so then I relive the pain and hurt from the deception over and over again in my mind. Morally, I feel this calls for a divorce...my heart tells me, give it one more try...he is just sick and will get better with time. We have agreed to work on our relationship over the next year and reevaluate then. But my question is how do I trust again? Has anyone been through this? Will it come with time? How do you look past the hurt and pain you feel to be completely happy and be able to love completely and whole-heartedly again? Seems that the more I try to forgive...I find myself trying to forget instead...I need to work through forgiveness and turn it over to my HP. Any suggestions!!
Thanks, brightmommy
__________________
"if you can't say nothing nice, don't say nothing at all!!"
It is painful to have your trust destroyed and I believe you answered your own question about forgiveness in your last sentence. We have to feel the pain and work thru it and then turn it over to HP.
I have learned that trust is earned and I will not turn it over lightly. Detachment with Love works wonders in that respect.
I am glad you are listening to your heart. I have found that yes I could love again but not the same.
My defination of Love has changed. I no longer believe I must turn my will and my life over to another person and merge into one being.
Today I find I must love myself enough to take care of my side of the street and share me with the other person in a partrnership of two whole people.
I can't wait to read some posts from some senior members on this one. I find it difficult, too. I feel numb about my husband many times. I sometimes just want him to go away -- I am just a little selfish about the financial help. But, I bet I can work that out, too, if I need to. We are staying together, too, at this time. So, how do I feel the love that I once felt or was that love unhealthy? No, I felt attention from him and care and concern and I gave it back.... then things changed. Is the damaged beyond repair? Is the damage just duct taped? I wonder.
Thanks db55 and hotrod...I know I can work through this with the guidance from my HP...your question Is the damage beyond repair?...Is the damage just duct taped? I don't think it is beyond repair but I have been just duct taping it for long time...I need to work through my resentment and hurt on this one to truly be able to overcome it. I am not sure that I can ever completely trust again though...but it does take Time and I am willing to give it a shot!
__________________
"if you can't say nothing nice, don't say nothing at all!!"
Very tough one.... I'll share my thoughts on this subject, from a male perspective...
I never had the addictions to deal with in me, but it was my A-wife who was wrought with alcoholism... I found myself less and less attached to her at home (with good reason - she was drunk most of the time), so I lived through the kids, and then ultimately started that path of emotional affairs.... Yes, I was lonely and numb, and yes, I needed/wanted it, but the bottom line is - for me - I really DID become somebody I wasn't proud of.... For a little while, I "justified" my actions based upon my wife's alcoholism, but I knew, deep down, that this was just me making excuses....
Affairs, even emotional ones (maybe even particularly emotional ones) are devastating, and attack our souls.... Not everyone has faith, or a commitment to a particular God or religion, but I still believe that most of us still have an innate sense of right & wrong.... Men who have affairs - and I reluctantly have to lump myself somewhat in that category too - will have affairs, and use whatever excuses/rationalizations they need to get by.... Whether that excuse is alcoholism.... their wife isn't pretty/nice/outgoing enough, etc., etc..... in my humble opinion - it's a pattern that some people have, and some don't.....
I'm trying to change my habits in this area, but I will tell you that it is very difficult. Sounds to me like your hubby's actions in this area are somewhat consistent, both when he is drunk AND when he is sober....
Not all men cheat - far from it.... but many men DO struggle with this area, and alcoholism only adds to the mess.....
Just my two cents Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I do think there is a lot of grief to work through when someone has had an active addiction.
In some ways sobriety is a new beginning. In other ways it is still part of the old. The m ore support, care and time you can give yourself the better.
I do know that detachment, love, understanding and care give me the opportunity to start anew every day. I try to do it one day at a time. Set small goals for yourself rather than the big one of should I stay or leave. Break it down. Set small trust goals rather than the large one.
I always suggest making a plan be too. You have the plan be in mind if your marriage does not work out. In fact I think I go into most situations now with a plan be.
