The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, he is drinking again and called from a friends house last night to say he couldnt drive home. I love him, he is an amazing man, but 1 year ago I packed my bags and told him I couldnt stay if he was drinking. He said he would change, i unpacked, and he was sober and attending AA for 6 months. 6 months ago he stopped attending meetings and had a glass of wine. The thing is he isnt violent he just drinks in a pattern of increasing frequency until he is getting drunk every week and is dealing with anger and depression. And I go a little bonkers. I end up worrying all the time and becoming depressed myself. I try to say the right things (or nothing at all) because I know this is a disease and not his fault. I feel like things will just slowly get worse and worse. Things seem hopeless. It feels creepy and unhealthy. I have filled up my schedule with classes and work so that I am away more because I seem to do better when I am busy and away from home, but then he is just alone all the time and I come home to beer breath and I dont say anything, and he doesnt say anything, and I cant sleep. The main trouble is things arent really bad. He doesnt hit me, he usually wont drive drunk, he just gets drunk and sad then he is cranky and angry for days, it feels like I am an adult in a relationship with a teenager. I know I should go to meetings, but my first one I felt like crying through the whole thing and I am incredibly shy so I havent been back. So I figure there must be some experts here, my main question is, when he has obviously been drinking do you say anything or do you leave him to his own business? I feel like we have talked and talked about this so what is the point of telling him this is affecting me yet again. What do I say, how do I respond when he comes home after having to sleep at a friends house because he was too drunk to drive home (I certainly dont want to discourage him from being safe!)
You Take Care of you! If you want to help him, get yourself taken care of, because he has his own demans to fight. My Afather was the same, he could be the greatest guy out there, the most charming, cunning, handsome, sense a humor like no other man i have ever met in my life... But give him Days upon days upon days of No Work, or just time to drink, and he is WAS the most depressed person I had ever been around. Every thing sounds like a "Poor Me, or a Dear John" nothing was good, sunshine sucked even... Once I finally excepted that HE and only HIM made the choices to run his life the way he did, THEN and only then could I love him.
It is sad that you have to Leave home to Feel Relief, and Yes a F2F would soooo better help you, if you feel like crying thru the whole thing... CRY... You earned it! We have boxes of tissues on the tables at ALL times!, You would be surprized the amount of people sitting around that table, that would reach out to you and help you better understand what disease your family is fighting, and may even give you the push you need to get your focus back on yourself, and less on your A.
I have been Blessed by Many of "Nudges" from my MIP Family... I am grateful for them all, but first you must "Let Go & Let God", and just Take it "One Day at a Time"
Take what you like and leave the rest Friends in Recovery Jozie
Thank you for posting. You said you went to one meeting and haven't been back because you felt like crying through the whole thing. Please don't let that keep you from going back. I felt like crying and DID a LOT of crying for many, many meetings.
The people in the meetings understand the crying. They cry too. It is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. For me the crying was the first stages of recovery. Tears laced with letting go of my obsession with trying to control. Ending the denial of my own feelings. Tears of frustration, fear and surrender, and in my case, tears of grief for the things the disease of Alcoholism took away from me.
We have meetings here online twice a day in the chat room. The link is at the top of this board. But I would also say again, please give the face to face meeting another try.
(((((merry))))) Welcome to MIP, we are very glad to have you here. During my earliest recovery I was told REPEATEDLY (thanks Tricia:)) to keep the focus on me, and take care of me.......I still struggle with that......I've NEVER taken care of me first so that was/is a hard one. Please try and focus on you and what you want/need to be happy and healthy mentally, physically and spiritually. Remember there is nothing that you have to handle alone in this life, as long as we believe in a power greater than ourselves we are never alone. Keep coming back Keeping it simple shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
You can go to meetings here. They have them twice a day online. I know I lived in the chat room for a long long time. Sounds like you are using some of the al anon tools, getting busy. Now how about getting the whole repetoire ...like detaching. www.coping.org.
I went through a lot of requesting and staging with the ex A. I threatened to leave. Indeed I did leave and went and stayed in a motel for a week. He promised galore, never kept any of them!
You are in the right place. This board can be a great resource for you. Face to Face can help. Literature can really help. Try reading some books on codependency. As you may read on this board, Getting them Sober is highly recommended.
