I really can relate to your post. I too used to be extremely self destructive, it manifested in many ways. The point is, it all began to subside and lose appeal once I got very focused on learning how to love myself. I grew up ACoA & I don't think that self-love and self-respect was well modeled for me. I mean, we have to figure it out for ourselves any way but having someone model it for me, would have let me know it was at least a possibility.

So I am late in life, to discover self-love. For me, I could love others very easily but when I tried to focus that attention onto myself (@ 30 years old) it was the most uncomfortable thing I ever went through. Honestly, I felt very guilty focusing on me but I used logic to reason with myself. And I could see other healthy people, focusing on themselves and I knew I wanted that. Also, having been suicidal, I figured it was self-preservation and that being selfish was okay & even necessary at times... that I was willing to give it a shot b/c it was "healthy" and that was what I wanted.

I also wanted the obsessing to stop. Once I began to focus on *me* and mind my own business when it comes to others & really, just focus on me, loving me & stop being concerend about everyone else's mental health - I did begin to get better & the obsessing stopped.

When I first went to focus on me, I felt guilty but I stuck with it. it took me nearly an entire year of daily surrenderring & just *me* b4 the guilt went away. Once I could deal with just me clearly & solely - omg, I got SO bored. But shortly after that I began to calm down! What a miracle!
   Truth is, when I first went to love me, I had to get down to less than one percent of love for self - but I took it and started from there, pathetic & miniscule as is was. I treasured that 1/4 of 1% of love for self and it grew steadily. I set boundaries & followed through and my self-esteem & personal power grew.

A great thing to remember about this program/life is we can start over at any moment. I can decide to fogive myself for being human, re-set to zero and begin my day again. I can do it a million times in one day if I need to! It is perfectly okay, what ever it takes to work for me.

I feel the best when I keep my word to myself, and that can be very simple. I used to have many unrealistic expectations on myself. i am not super human & I am not in a race. I just wanted peace of mind.

I cannot say I am free of all self destructive behaviors but I can say, if I eat well one day, I feel better. If I work out, I feel better. If I do something kind for me, it allows me to feel better.

I didn't think I deserved my own good love when I did not love me. Now that I do love me, in the action/verb sense of the word, I can accept the wonderful things more graciously.  A lot of people told me that I was worthy & deserving and I didn't really believe it until I began to apply it on the inside.

You deserve the very best, we all do!

well, Jozie it goes like this,

...if you want to stop smoking, you used to find all the tv ads where cigarette ads (thank goodness cigarette ads are NOT allowed here in England). (was never a smoker myself, however my son told me those ads always reminded him of his cravings when he was quitting.)

...if you had just lost a baby...ten to one someone would introduce the topic of pregnancy, or every way you turn beautiful babies where THERE. (My personal experience, I lost three and it was so painful to see new babies and baby ads and listen to people talk about babies when I had just lost one.)

...if you started a diet, all the cream cakes, the wonderful roast diners and the fabulous fresh bread aromas would jump out at you in the supermarket. (And what'smore I dreamed of food when I was trying to diet...not any more though thank goodness.)

...whenever one decised to go on a fittness programme it seems 101 excuses and deterants make it seem so much more cool not to go to the gym. (Oh gosh it's raining, can't go out in this!)

Are you getting it?

As a cognitive pyschologist I have studied the mind and how it works and when it is struggling to change direction the other direction seems so much more ameanable or easy.

This is when the test of will power is tried to it's limit...I WILL NOT GO EAT and fall into that old routine of self gratification that is not really good for me;  I WILL find another way to reward myself and keep the weight off by doing exactly the opposite of what my brain is urging me to do right now, which deep down I know is NOT GOOD FOR ME. 

And in order to do this you would be well advised to think of a goal, just like you have here in this programme.  You know, one step at a time.  Just for today.  Perhaps something along these lines: - If I don't go gorge myself and I stick to my resolve,  I will reward myself with a dollar in the box (or what I would have spent on that ice cream binge) toward a massage and beauty treatment session...or toward a new pair of shoes, or that new dress I would like, whatever is your kind of luxury.

None of it is easy, but it is all down to self determination to change those habits that are not good for us.  Each of us have them, and each of us battle with them and have to really work at them.

You can do it Jozie,  I believe in you...and I think that deep inside, you have started to believe in you too...hey, you would not have changed your name if you had not believed you could do it and live with it and let go of a bit of your past.

This is the new you...letting go of all that is not good for you...and that means old habits too, one step at a time.

S M I L E

Suzannah