The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Haven't posted or responded much lately. I have alot going on at work as always. I do go to my f2f meetings about every two weeks. I go to AA almost every week (I offer to hold a separate meeting for Alanon). I read my literature daily and talk to my sponsor once a week. I feel like I make progress in recovery. But I feel like I have hit a wall. Our whole family is separated it seems like not just my AHsober and I. My sons are grown and have lives with others. I miss my little family that use to take trips together, do homework together, and so forth. I told my sponsor that Sundays seem to be the hardest and I didn't know why. She said that was because it use to be family time. How true. Either I stayed home to catch up on work or I go out of town and come back to an empty house.
I never had to think about family time with the parents in separate houses. No one in my family is divorced or separated (not they shouldn't be). We have always had family gatherings and driven together to family functions. Now my sons really have to choose which parent they want to see or include in their activities. I called my son this morning. I chatted for awhile with my daughter-in-law and finally she said they were at my AHsober's house. I had asked son to come see me because I hadn't seen my granddaugher since Christmas. No one said anything. This happened on New Year's too. It really upset me. So I sit here realizing that I have no skills for this and do not have the maturity for this new relationship both with my AHSober and my own sons. I have no clue. My honest reaction is pain.
I know that, well, for my mom, a relationship is really important to. It's so important, she's willing to let me do all the work. then when she's not "cared for" she becomes resentful and angry. The kind of relationships I enjoy having with people are the kind where there's no pressure, no expectations, no intensity. This allows me to make mistakes. Great example: I was afraid I had embarassed some friends at a meeting. I prayed about it, and then called them. No one was embarassed; it was my ego at work. These kind of relationships make me feel safe enough to not be afraid of owning myself.
Letting go of the past and our expectations of the future is very painful and difficult. That is where Living in the Present and Letting go of Expectations really helps. Talking about it with your sponsor and at meetings will relieve your pain . The serenity prayer really sums it up
God will grant you the serenity to accept the things you cannot change Courage to Change what you can and the Wisdom to know the difference.
Aloha Nancy...When I go/went thru those "quiet" times myself I consider them special; HP and me only times. I don't have distractions either positive or negative. I just have quiet time with HP where I watch and listen and practice being grateful. Prior to program I needed all of the activity to keep my mind busy and my emotions capped now-a-days the mind and emotions, spirit and body get abandoned to HP.
You know I think this is progress. People get comfortable in enmeshed relationships. Knowing you need new skills is great, really good news. You are letting go of the familiar (at least that is what is sounds to me).
My family of origin was very familiar so to me for a long long chaos, boundary merging and more were the norm. Now they aren't but I don't know much how to have healthy relationships. One thing at a time.
You seem to be on the right track.
I also think its phenomenal you did not try to manipulate your kids in coming to see you. What a great job, to simply request and deal with their response.
I enjoy my quiet times. Actually look forward to them. I consider quiet times as so much better than the alternative -----clutter----chaos ------ etc. I know it is not the situation you wish for, but HP has a reason, the answer is just not coming as quick as you would like. Until the answer comes you continue to hang out wth HP. He is good company, and I like you, want the answers to come and the problems to be corrected on a different time table than HP works on.
I remind myself often "Be careful of everything you wish for". You remember the old T.V. show "Father Knows Best", so does HP.
Take care of yourself Nancy, I'll be thinking about you.
I still have some teens home Nancy but the alcoholism has progressed so there is not the same family time as it was years ago when there were 4 kids at home. The teens being the youngest now are independent and not so easy to get them involved with doing things with mom - I keep trying new things that sometimes work and sometimes don't.
My hard time now is Fri & Sat nights as the teens are busy and AH is non responsive. One thing I have thought about getting started is finding friends in the same boat with too quiet wkend nights or maybe for you, other empty nesters for Sunday late afternoon. I've heard of folks just having a soup night and playing some cards or something like that. A friend told me she heard of a lady that had a weekly soup night that was open to friends that wanted to drop in and it built to many as the weeks went by....... something that might be fun for our grown kids to enjoy seeing old neighbor friends or something. Maybe monthly and have others bring salad, bread or dessert. Just ideas to get you started..........
I also like my down time but right now I get a bit too much. I can relate to how things change and favorite times are not repeated. I am hoping to find different things that will be better than too much isolation or quiet.
At times I feel pain when my kids seem to enjoy their dad which is ok but painful if I am at odds with him. That's when I try to adjust my attitude or thinking which is the something I can change. It's never easy but in the end, I do feel better and less pain.
Extra hugs coming your way!!
ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
I understand that feeling so well. I too, wonder if I have the skills to do this. I'm too young to be widowed. Suddenly my life was turned upside down. I was use to living alone for the longest time. Then Tim came back into my life. The dynamic changed, and now it has changed again. I am trying to enjoy my solitude like I use to. Some days are better than others. I am trying to do new things. I have been spending alot more time with my niece, which is a joy. But she has her own life to lead. She can't be "my girl" forever. So when these sad times hit me, I just have to go with it. Life on life's terms is what Tim always reminded me. It is what it is, and all I can do is learn how to deal with it bit by bit. You too will find your way through this. Enjoy the time you have with your family. Cheerish those moments. No better love than that of a grandchild. Sending you and your family extra love and blessings.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
