The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
my marriage is falling apart. I feel safe to vent here. My husband is not an A but is in complete denial that he is having major emotional problems. He tries to put it on me but I will no longer accept that I may be his problem. He is 59 years old and on many medications for high blood pressure,high cholesterol and diabetes. He is so unmotivated to do anything anymore. He will not open up and talk about things. He has lost all his compassion for me and everyone else. He is basically in a rut and does not know how to get out. The problem is he won't admit to that and will not talk about anything. It is driving me crazy. I have thought about leaving after 35 years of marriage to him. I love him and I know he loves me but it is so hard to deal with. I came to a decision that I need to detach from him and take care of myself. I know deep inside I do not want to live without him but then again it is very hard to live with him. We have 2 mortgages as we purchased a vacation home last year and financially neither of us could afford to live elsewhere. So, we will stay together and hopefully he will eventually realize that he needs some form of help. I cannot do it for him.
Sounds like I am talking about a dry drunk, doesn't it?
My husband is about the same in age as yours, and tho we have not been together for 35 years we have been together for 13...He is older then I, but he is also what I like to call..."Overly Moody"... And when he gets into tho "Ruts" I have learned thanks to Al-anon, to Let Go & Let God! ... He is not an A either, but this program has sooo helped me bring my focus back to me, and it has truly made my life ALOT better, even with him... When he is in his rut.. I simple ignore it, and go about my day, and let him sort out his worry's and fears...
Heck if I had a Vacation home, the next time he hit a rut, I would hit the vacation home, and tell him to enjoy his own sorrow... I'll Be Back...lol... Didn't mean to make light of it, but sometimes you must find humor in order to find yourself... Good luck to ya...
Take what you like and leave the rest... Friends in recovery... missing
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Forgiveness- Isn't about forgettingwhat happened,its about Giving Up,All Hope,of a Better Past!
Hate so much to read the pain in your post - it must be heartbreaking after that long of a life together to not be able to share this much pain with each other.
My thoughts & prayers go out for both of you!!
Yes, my friend, please, please take good care of you - hopefully by seeing you take care of yourself, your hubby will see the benefits of self-care and be motivated to take care of himself.
HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude & serenity) Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Gosh I've certainly been in that place in a relationship that didn't work with many financial obligations. The worse it got the more committed I got. There are tools in al anon that can help one is that we focus on ourselves. The other is to make a plan be. It always seems like we can't leave, in fact there are always options. I did not like any of my options but eventually I got to see them very clearly. Even making a plan be can help then you know what you are up against.
Actually Gailey often times the behaviors and emotions of the non-drinking person and a normal person are not that far off. Drunks are human take away the alcohol and?
You can't save the alcoholic or anyone else that has a problem and is in denial and won't go for help. Al-Anon helps with that also because the program is never about changing the other person.
One suggestion might be that you could learn different ways of listening. There are many different ways of doing that dependent upon how you want to participate in a life with him. It would help with others also. Go google it...might be interesting.
Gailey, I feel your pain and it feels like you are describing my husband. He is an A but has 21 years sober. Personally I think he's in a major clinical depression, but I keep reminding myself over and over .... I'm not his doctor, his therapist, his sponsor, or any other professional who is qualified to diagnose and/or treat him.
He's 75 years old and has had bouts of depression before. I like what the others say on this thread.... just make a Plan B, take care of ourselves, and trust HP to take care of the A. When my hubby is like this, I try to just go on about my day and pretend I live alone.
I hear you. Much sympathy for you. I have been married for 35 years. My AHsober has been married for 30 years. He checked out and moved out over 3 years ago. He pops in now and then to irritate me. He hasn't drank in over 20 years. Hasn't worked a program in over 10 years. He says I am an addict and I don't want to work on it and I am never going to change. It is difficult because we have know these spouses for years and years. Whether you like them or not you are just plain use to them. I still love my AHSober but he says I don't love you. I miss him terribly but I really miss that "other" man.
It came to me that I need to change rather then wait for him to change. Also, I realized that I am starting over. I need to make a new life for me. I keep looking at my HP for guidance, solace, and serenity. Hope this works for you too.
