Detach with Love - Al-Anon Family Group

aislinn · Newbie

Detach with Love

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha aislinn!!

I relate to your situation and for me as long as there are repetitious
events in my life that keep me hooked to the memories from where
I came I will always be working at being at peace with the present.

I use to isolate to escape from the repetition of insanity before I
started using it myself to try to stay in control of my situations. That
was an indication of the progressive nature of the disease.

I learned to compensate with the program with my desire to have life
perfect and crises free and there are tools I learned to have and use
that make that compensation work. One of the tools is the awareness
that I am the designer of my life today. I have the tools and the choices
and of course the responsibility.

I do not intentionally place my mind, body, spirit or emotions in situations
that are harmful. When I find that I am in those invironments from
whatever occurs...I move beyond their influences.

You have and are doing the very same thing. I consider that a support.

Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

aislinn · Newbie

Thanks Jerry. Part of your reply really struck home. I finally realized that I too had used alcohol to help me to drop my defenses. I always said I didn't have a problem but when I looked back at my history, I realized alcohol had been a tool for me as well. When that lightbulb went on I made changes and have stuck with them. It's toxic for me to drink it and toxic for me to be around it. A legacy I wish weren't mine but it is. You can't run from the truth. In all ways it always shows itself.

Suzannah · ~*Service Worker*~

Wise words from Jerry.

I have a daughter that I have to detach from and I am only just learning that art. It comes late in my life and I have suffered numerous horrific injuries and events because I had not learned enough about myself in the past to recognise what was happening, so to avoid the repetitive sequence of events that took place.

The last episode happened in August of last year and it very nearly finished me off. Then when my father died in October of last year and my daughter came up to the funeral I found that I could not, and indeed would not allow any further hurt because I was like the sponge that could not soak up any more.

I told her, "Whatever your problem at this time, it is not appropriate for me to be subjected to further hurt. I cannot take on board any more hurt, so if you have nothing good to say don't say it."

I stunned myself and others at that time I think and she cut me out of her life AGAIN until Christmas. Since then, she gets in touch, I did not chase, and she makes the moves...I respond kindly and lovingly but not in a co-dependant way born out of guilt. I no longer fear losing her. If she chooses not to include me in her life, that is her choice and I am surprised by my decision. However it is a healthy one and it has turned my life around and life IS now copeable. What'smore, my relationship with others has improved too. BONUS

Talk about a hard lesson to learn. She has been doing this to me since her teens and she is in her thirties now, so hey press on and sort yourself out. Your relationships in the future will benefit by that I am sure, as will you.

Suzannah

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Well I think most peope drink to get some kind of effect. The issue is for me when I drink I tend to let my boundaries down. So I don't drink. In fact I stopped drinking a long long time ago. Nevertheless as I had not done any boundary work I still really had issues.

Giving up drinking helped me a great deal. I can't say it was the be all and end all. I had to do a lot of work on myself. I know when I drank I certainly made bad decisions but I didn't have the obsession with drinking that an alcoholic has. Nevertheless there is something compelling for me about being around alcoholics because otherwise I can't explain why I wouldn't have run for the hills when I met some of them.

Maresie.

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

I respect a lot that you are exploring this and have the courage to really take a good thoughtful look at these things. Take a lot of guts to just STOP and check things out. That is really healthy of you, I think. Plus, you are keeping an open mind. Great use of your program! Hugs, J.

saltire · Member

Aislinn
this may seem cruel
but if I were you I would get out now before you fall too deep and into a nightmare world that will test your own sanity, I swear.
I have lived with this problem for over 10 years now and had a chance to cut loose 8 years ago but stayed with the alcoholic.
Mistake. The family is in tatters and no one speaks, we all deal with it differently and I'd not want anyone to feel what we all feel.
Save yourself now while the going is reasonably good.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

HELLO AISLINN,

yOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN GREAT SUGGESTIONS AND FOOD FOR THOUGHT IN THE RESPONSES YOU RECEIVED.

I WOULD JUST LIKE TO ADD THAT ALCOHOLISM IS A FAMILY DISEASE.
IF YOU ARE AN "ACOA "YOU HAVE BEEN AFFECTED BY THIS DISEASE.

AL-ANON MEETINGS AND TOOLS WILL WORK WONDERS FOR YOU IN THIS OR ANY OTHER RELATIONSHIP YOU MAY HAVE IN THE FUTURE.
WELCOME AND KEEP COMING BACK

-- Edited by hotrod at 10:28, 2009-02-10

aislinn · Newbie

Wow. I feel so blessed to read the words to all of you who have walked a similar path. I am in a great Al-Anon group and feel so supported. The hardest part of our disease to me is the denial. I keep thinking that it should not affect me, that I can learn to keep a healthy distance, that someone else's drinking is their issue not mine.
Well, in other areas of my life I choose not to surround myself with negative energy, people who drag me down or those who are hurtful to me. My head understands that this way of thinking should apply to relationships with alcoholics as well. But I am not putting it into practice.

With good support I will embrace the reality that this is not being cruel (to the alcoholic) but rather is being kind (to me).

Blessings to you all.
Aislinn

Ness · ~*Service Worker*~

aislinn wrote:

I am an ACOA and in a relationship with someone who drinks regularly, not to excess but enough to cause me to wince.

Hi Aislinn,

My daughter has newly seperated from her husband, his drinking started off making her wince, then placed a knot of fear in her stomach.
He never physically hurt her but his tongue became cruelly abusive in drink, so much so that the turn of the key in the door made her wonder is his mood going to be good .....or would it be drink a couple of bottles of wine pass out on the sofa get up, go to work and leave her then with another anxious day.

She's only 35, has a nearly 2yr old, but when fear comes in the room it's time to get out.
She is holding on to her self respect before it's pulled out of her.

Today she found a new job....I'm beyond proud of her... her HP is surely with her.

My posts here relate to my A son, but practicing detachment works in all situations that un-nerve us. I read this when I need to....it may help.

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Love....Ness

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.