"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

sheilanicole · Newbie

I am new at this and need support

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

yes, you will be enabling him. In al-anon we have to do what we say we are going to do or else we are as much of the problem as the drinker. We are generating our own misery by abandoning ourselves and our word and our promises. Stand with yourself and stick to your word.

Another thing: the thought of losing him will not kill you. It won't. Seriously. What will kill you is another episode of what you describe with him getting violent. Believe me (I HAVE BEEN THERE), it was the TV last time, the next time it might be the wall but eventually all abuse escalates and your head or your gut will be next.

Take what you like and leave the rest but you are in a dangerous situation and you are working pretty hard to pull that blankie of denial (which we all know and love!!!HA!) over your head.

Why would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who uses his fists to solve problems and deal with difficulties and frustration?

An alcoholic will always be an alcoholic. An addict will always be an addict. Relapse is just around the corner. Yes, they can get program and enter into recovery but what matters the most to you is YOU and your health and wellbeing. Please attend some face to face al anon meetings, you do not say that you are attending and I assume from your post that you aren't. Please get some of the lit and read it, daily. Most importantly get a sponsor, someone you can call and talk to about all this and someone who has their feet firmly in program.

Hugs and my best to you, J.

missing out · Senior Member

((((Sheilanicole))))

In my experience with my ExA I can tell ya this, he was the most beautiful person, my family loved him, everyone that met him thought he was just the nicest person in the world, he had a sparkle like know other...
Then he started drinking, not usually around my family, so when I told them about him flipping out one night, and throwing me against the wall, and truly showing me the "other" side of himself, I was abandon by my family, they STILL invited him to "Family Christmas"(My birthday yet to boot)...
Well I took him back once. He promised me the moon once more, and for a the first couple weeks, wow it was beautiful, and the week after that... WOW he was an A@@... Same guy that throw me across the floor, attemped it again, and lets just say the only one hit'n the floor that time was him, and I never looked back... I still have some family that will ask me what ever happened to him! And my story is always the same, he is an alcoholic that chooses to stay that way.... Because that is who and what he is...
As for you... Well I know that the feelings can be over whelming, and the lonelyness that follows, but truly.. If he does what he says he will do, then great... But he wouldn't do it under my roof, he would do it under his, and I would wait for him to complete it all, before I would even consider the thought, the main thing is that you put your focus back on yourself, were it needs to be, and let him worry about his steps that he needs to take... In finding yourself, you may just find the answers to your own questions!!!

Friends in Recovery....
Missing...

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Shell , please find an Al-Anon meeting for yourself , u need support from people who understand exactly where your at , no advice here just a f ew strong suggestions occasionally . There are no guarantees that he will stay sober = can an alcoholic change absolutley but it has to be his decission , he can't do it for anyone else but himself . His drinking is not about not loving or caring for you , it has nothing to do with you . If love could cure alcoholism we wouldn't need AA or our program .
And as far as breaking things , well I believe that when they runout of furniture your next physicalabuse is no way to live your life , fear will destroy any chance of a normal life . Give our program a few months and see how u feel then , make an informed decission based on fact not emotion and it will be the right one for you . Louise

Ness · ~*Service Worker*~

Jean4444 wrote:

yes, you will be enabling him. In al-anon we have to do what we say we are going to do or else we are as much of the problem as the drinker. We are generating our own misery by abandoning ourselves and our word and our promises. Stand with yourself and stick to your word.

Why would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who uses his fists to solve problems and deal with difficulties and frustration?

Welcome ((((sheilanicole))))

I too am a newbie to alanon.

It has taken me 12 years to finally start the process of detaching from fighting the A in my life's disease, who I love and will always love (my son)

And there tells the tale, (I) have been fighting and carrying his disease for him which enabled him to continue feeding his addiction in comfort and denial.

I'm so, so proud of you for taking this step.

Jean4444 has wise words and as a 'newbie' I can only add my little bit.... that although my recent post here is mostly relating to my A son, my daughter is in a vunerable place right now.
Unknown to me, until 2 weeks ago, when she told her husband to leave..... she has been living with that knot of fear in her stomach, (the turn of the key in the door, what will the mood be like etc etc)..... for far too long, which culminated recently in drunken cruel and ugly verbal abuse.

I feel that maybe, although I don't know, the experience of her brother's alcoholism and the sharing I have done with her since I found MIP has perhaps given her the strength to set and maintain her boundaries, and her self respect.

If love could cure alcoholism there would be no alcoholics in the world, we all at some stage loved and still continue to love the A's in our life and, sadly, have found that love does not conquer all.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease

It's a cunning, baffling and powerful.

We didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it.

Please protect yourself and keep coming back....your not alone.

Love....Ness

mia883 · Member

sheilanicole wrote:

... I was actually afriad that he would hit me... I had to call the police to make him leave. I want to stick to my word that I would break up with him if he drank, but I love him so much and the thought of losing him again is really killing me. I know though that if I take him back, he will definitely not believe me and this will happen again. I told him the only chance of us getting back together would be if he went to treatment including rehab and then outpatient with AA.

.....I want to support him and see him get clean because I know that we are so happy together. He really is the person I know I am supposed to spend my life with. I wanted to get some advice from people that are living through this and thus is why I am writing this. Is it possible for him to get better. If I take him back after he goes to rehab, will he just end up drinking again. I want to know if it is possible for me to help him and not hurt myself at the same time.

Please help.

You are a very brave person to call the police.
Excellent.
You are making the difference between sanity and insanity.
Between what is in the real world and your fears.
Hitting or abusing you is the real world.
Being fearfull for him is not reality, these are your unreal or insane fears.
You'll be right after following the program.

Focus on you and stop focusing on him.
When you say he makes me happy.
Are n't you happy by nature?

Do you need someone to make you happy?
Are you a rescuier?
What else do you need to make ou happy?

Tell him and stick to your boundaries.

Mia

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

There is an awesome quote from one of her books, written by Toby Rice Drews..... "Nobody can tell you to leave your alcoholic, not even your counsellor".

Alcoholics judge us by our actions, and not our words (usually with good reason, cuz most of us threaten action and don't always back it up)....

My two cents on this - I'd be reluctant to "give him another chance" in an "as-is" situation - i.e. if he just tells you he's gonna try harder. However, if he commits himself to recovery, gets treatment, and then shows by his actions that he is committed to his new life of sobriety, then the future is a possibility for you two.... Where I think we get ourselves into dangerous ground is setting expectations (for him or for yourself) about what the future may hold - I'd try to steer clear of any promises - implied or otherwise..... He ultimately needs to get sober to save his own life - it's far less likely to be successful if he is trying to "get sober for you"....

All hope is not lost, and kudos to you for the actions you have taken to date, and for reaching out here.

Take care, and keep coming back

Tom

mia883 · Member

canadianguy wrote:

There is an awesome quote from one of her books, written by Toby Rice Drews..... "Nobody can tell you to leave your alcoholic, not even your counsellor".....

.. However, if he commits himself to recovery, gets treatment, and then shows by his actions that he is committed to his new life of sobriety, then the future is a possibility for you two.... ....... He ultimately needs to get sober to save his own life - it's far less likely to be successful if he is trying to "get sober for you"....

All hope is not lost, and kudos to you for the actions you have taken to date, and for reaching out here.

Take care, and keep coming back

Tom

Tom

I certainly like your quote and agree with most of what you said.
>>... "Nobody can tell you to leave your alcoholic, not even your counsellor".....

There is a tendancy in many ALanon groups to take advice from older women who have left their drinking husband or partener for xxxx reasons.

Do not necessarely listen to older members, this is crap.
Watch the "agendas" of older members.

There are NO older members at Alanon. (see traditions + concepts + warranties).
Being or pretending to know better because the member is older is crap.

This type of "older members talk" is very destructive to families.

I agree with Tom. Sobriety existe , give him or her a chance, be firm wih yourself.

Think, Think , Think.

Too many time the quick way is not the best.
Everything requires effort.
See for yourself.

Mia

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"