Here I am only about 9 hours away from celebrating 20 years since my last drink... 1 am 2/6/1989.

Much of my sobriety has been learning about myself and relationships... mostly through the lack thereof.  This is where Alanon has been of such great value to me.  We in Alanon know about the phenomenon of "walking on eggshells".  It can mean that we have to watch everything we do or say, lest we set of the alcoholic and whatever comes after is our fault.  But it can happen in a more general way.

In the 11 years I spent with my non-alcoholic wife, I lived in the constant fear that I would do something, say something - some little thing - that would cause me to lose her.  Somewhere in my past, the idea of "if only" was planted.  I do believe that small things can have big consequences, and I think that is correct - but - I no longer believe that I have power over those small things that cause big consequences.  In other words, I don't have the power to cause big things.  This fear (and delusion of power) force us into a painful, debilitating perfectionism that there is no escape from.  Who hasn't fantasized about being all powerful?  And also realized the tremendous responsibility that would entail?  Not one of our human brains could deal with even the tiniest fraction of being God.  Well, duh!  That's why we aren't God, and why he doesn't give us even that fraction!  Once we let go of that belief - that we aren't God, we aren't God's assistant or God's advisor or God's middle manager - the true extent of our responsibilities becomes evident.

In my current relationship, I have certainly made mistakes.  I've said things I shouldn't have said.  I've been arrogant at times, or thoughtless, or forgetful.  Or just plain lazy and noncommunicative.  I'd like to think I am doing better than I used to but, the reality is - my relationship with my fiance is way too strong to be destroyed by a simple human mistake.  If the relationship were to dissolve, it would be due to factors greater than those trivial things we spend so much time kicking each other for - and those factors would be beyond my control anyway.

Just like last time.

I can't tell you how much of my precious life was wasted playing back what seemed like every single incident, every moment of conflict in my former marriage, resolving "not to make that mistake again".  What happened to my AA promise of "not regretting the past"?   If I examine the true facts objectively - as a third party would - I bent over backwards for that marriage, and it still failed.  I could go back in time with my time machine, bringing her checklist of things I did wrong with me, and revisit every incident and correct every mistake and the end result would still have been the same.  We just weren't right for each other, no matter how badly I wanted it to be.

My first love is a memory - and those feelings were real, at the time, and my memories of them are valid.  There is no reason for me to try and purge memories of good times.  That's just another form of denial.  I've even told some of the stories of good times with my ex. to my current love and future wife.  She appreciates them as what they are - just like any other stories from my childhood (and my marriage was my childhood, in many ways).  As I appreciate stories from her previous life. 

I've gone from being with a person who wanted me to keep away from my own family, turned her nose up at my friends, my hobbies, my program, to someone who embraces all of me... including my past, and those people today I call my children and grandchildren, whose only connection to me is via the mysterious X she's never met.  And most importantly, she's not going to let a little thing like humanity chase her away.  Nor do I live in fear of the simple human mistake.

Barisax