My husband told me his is leaving me from the West Indies on the phone - Al-Anon Family Group

Lilly Burn · Veteran Member

My husband told me his is leaving me from the West Indies on the phone

Cindy Sue · Member

I'm so sorry Lilly. That is a lot to deal with. I'm just new here myself. Years of alanon and then walked away thinking I knew the answers to everything. Obviously I don't. You'll find much help here on these forums. I can assure you of that. Hang in there. I do know you have to take care of yourself first. Good advice if you can just do it! Peace.

Lilly Burn · Veteran Member

Thank you for those words of encouragement. I have been to one meeting in the past, but because my AH was sober at the time, i didnt feel i needed it! I think I will go back when I get home from my challenge which honestly at the moment is stressing me so much on top of everything else that I feel like I might break. Still hang on in there i will, thank you.

Cindy Sue · Member

Lilly Burn wrote:

Thank you for those words of encouragement. I have been to one meeting in the past, but because my AH was sober at the time, i didnt feel i needed it! I think I will go back when I get home from my challenge which honestly at the moment is stressing me so much on top of everything else that I feel like I might break. Still hang on in there i will, thank you.

I know what you mean when you say you didn't think you needed it. Neither did I. I now find that I need AlAnon more than ever and I just can't bring myself to get to a meeting. I'm embarrassed and feel like such a fake and a failure at the same time.

Do what you can to just take care of yourself. Thank God for this place.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

The A who I was with left me all the time. He was always telling me I was not good enough. I redoubled my efforts. He was always out supposedly having a good time.

Please look at the top of the page, there is a very generous offer there by canadian guy to send you a copy of Getting them Sober. Send a note and ask for it, that book is so helpful.

Sober or not, many of us need al anon. I know full well my codependency goes a long long way past dealing with an alcoholic.

I had terrible abandonment issues, now they are less so. How did I do it by working this program and also seeing a counselor.

How about dusting off a few measures to take care of you. You can go to the chat room here any time of the day, there are wondeful people there. You can also go to meetings here twice a day, they are also wonderful, fabulous places to learn a lot of tools.

There are lots of tools in al anon that help, detachment (see www.coping.org) for help. There is also ample literature I have heard the new al anon text is phenomenal.

Get out, meet people, get support, you need it.

I used to view that the A I was with threw away our relationship, now I know alcoholism took it long long before I called it quits.

I am glad you are here, keep coming back.

Maresie.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Lilly!!

Alcoholism is a disease of sadness for everyone involved. Getting away
is good if you can do it mind, body, spirit and emotions; all the levels
the disease lives and operates on.

You don't have to wait...The program is known as the "World-wide Fellow-
ship of the Al-Anon Family Groups". It is growing daily and chance are
where ever you plunk your case down for a visit there might be a meeting
close by. They will all understand what's going on with you also just
like the membership here.

Get to the program soonest and keep coming back often.

Often the alcoholic tells themselves the very same thing they are telling
others only before letting every one else know too.

(((((hugs))))) smile

Goodgran · Veteran Member

Hi Lilly, you are in the right place. My alcoholic hubby has 21 years sober, and I STILL attend Al-Anon weekly. I need it for me. I have a tendency to slide back into my old codependent ways if I don't go to meetings, no matter what my alcoholic is doing or not doing.

I couldn't tell you any one particular thing about any one particular meeting that helped me lately, but I can tell you that when I go to meetings regularly my life just works better. It's kind of like there's some Higher Power in the air or something. Just listening to others talk about the program, (they are telling MY story by the way) LOL, calms me down and gets me out of that old "irritable and unreasonable without knowing it" trap.

Al-Anon can teach you how to detach from your husband... emotionally, physically, spiritually. It can teach you to let go of your obsession with him and his happiness and his health and everything. Most of us have been where you are.

I'm glad you are here.

Gran in Texas

db55 · Veteran Member

Lilly,
I am sorry this is happening now to you. You have a lot of friends and support here. I think going on a trip on your own is awesome. You will learn that you can take care of yourself! Sometimes knowing that other people have gone through similar experiences and survived helps. My first husband was probably an alcoholic -- I was certainly codependent. We live in the US and I had just cosigned a loan for him and I had gone to a new city to start training in a new job and he took off... just left and went to England, without telling me anything... I couldn't find him for days, telephoning everyone I knew, his mom.... finally somehow I found out he had gone to England to be with a 17 year old girl he had met there... he was 30!!! That was about 25 years ago! I can still feel the knot in my stomach and the floor give from under me... but I survived!!!! And you will, too!
Hugs and support.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Lily , I have no idea where your traveling too but I hope u find some serenity so u can enjoy it . Alcoholics change thier mind on a reg basis and we react , Merry go round about describes living with an alcoholic but it only takes one person to change to create change , if u want change u have to be willing to create it . enjoy your holiday ONE DAY AT A TIME
just get thru the day find something that makes u happy - there is nothing u can do about him or the choices he makes so don't waste time trying to figure him out . Finding out why u allow what u allow in this marriage is far more important . Am sorry u had to have that conversation on the phone and know it is stressfull but this is a very selfish disease and not much thought is given to the wife and family just * thier needs* well it's time to think of your self for a change . I hope u find meetings when u return = drunk or sober this program will change your life for the better , with or with out him . you have been afected by someone elses drinking and you too need to recover. be good to yourself

Lilly Burn · Veteran Member

Thank you for that, very much appreciated. Ive spent many hours on my phone in the past trying to track him down and then begging him to come home...My AH used to alternate between switching off his phone and not answering it. I would have no idea where he was.

-- Edited by Lilly Burn at 00:40, 2009-02-04

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

My question (please do not be offended but its one that many people asked me when I was in your shoes and eventually it was what woke me up):

Why would you want to be with someone like this? Why would you want to be with someone who has no regard for you at all? Why do you think its acceptable and OK to be treated this way?

Its not about loving him. Its about loving yourself and caring enough about yourself to feel in your heart of hearts that you are worthy of so much more. Value yourself first and foremost, respect yourself and the rest will follow. Hugs, J.

shellyj123 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Lily))))
     My heart goes out to you, what you are going through is a terrible thing. I wrote on this very same board almost 2 mths ago that "I feel like I am dying inside" The truth was that I died inside a long time ago-15 yrs ago when I met and married my first A.
     This program and the people here at MIP can help you become a stronger, healthier, and happier person with or without the A in your life. We live in a world that is very confusing when A plays a role in it. For me I needed to learn new behaviors and unlearn old ones, and I am still in the process. I found a sponsor and started F2F meetings, it took awhile before I realized I was just as sick as the A in my life and needed to focus on me.
     You can change your life, but it has to come from you and your desire to do so. Try to get to a F2F meeting, come here and vent, cry and scream. Read as much literature as you can get your hands on, and most importantly KEEP COMING BACK!!!

Your friend in recovery
Shellyj

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Living with an active alcoholic can be extremely chaotic. None the less divorce takes a while. I hope you will use the time you have, while your husband is gone to ground yourself. I know for me living with an active alcoholic was chaotic. Indeed, I currently live around active alcoholics and even being around it is choatic although I have the al anon tools to help me.

Maresie.

Lilly Burn · Veteran Member

I just want to say thank you again for such heartfelt and sound advice. It really helps. Been for brief legal advice today re divorce, im scared to death he might claim on the house ive had for 13 years, only 5 and a half of which hes lived in it. Its not as cut and dried as I had hoped and now It looks like I have to rely on the fact he wont want hassle. I imagine, just walking away will suit him better, hes never been one for paperwork or having to deal with anything legal, I always did it!!! So Im going away with dread in my heart about coming back but knowing going away is the very best thing I can do at the moment. Money issues can wait til I get my head round this and have the strength to face him and an uncertain and currently very lonely sad feeling future. Nothing feels real to be honest, like im watching a play in which everyone else is going about their business and im stuck in a dark place looking out. It will pass, the sooner the better, once Ive faced him then thats over too, so a step at a time. Thanks again everyone.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I think there is no way to predict an active A's behavior. Prepare for what you need to. There is no way to presume anything with them but chaos. One sure thing is to know they don't let go easily in general. It may appear like that but my experience and Toby Rice Drew(of Getting them Sober) says it is not easy to get rid of an alcoholic.

Maresie.

smile04 · Member

Hi Lilly Burn, totally understand your situation. In my 16th year of marriage to my A husband and 18th year together. He is drinking again since Friday since I found out he was having an affair last Thursday. Have had my suspicions for a while, but he would deny it evey time I would ask him. What hurts so much was that she was a friend of mine and a director in our business. My world has fallen apart. It has been me by his side all these years cleaning up after his mess and going through heartache because of his stupid mistakes. Now he tells me he loves this other woman, that hurts like a knife going through my heart, especially when she is 14years younger than him!! What have we done to deserve this. Feel in a very dark place as well and don't know who I am anymore, because I do everything he wants to do and when he wants to do things, his way, feel like a robot!!! Sorry for going on but really undertand. You will feel good when you go on this trip abroad I did when I went on a 4hrs train journey in November with my little boy when A husband was drinking again for 7wks non stop. What an achievement, this was a big thing for me because I made the desicion and boy did it feel good because I carried it through!! Thinking of you take Lilly Burn.xx

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Lilly Burn)))),

Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, wisdom and humor (good for the ). Lots of good responses here. Remember Alanon is a world wide service. You can usually find them anywhere. If not and you can find internet service, come here. We are always open. I admire your courage to travel alone. I love to travel alone. It was very empowering.

Remember, recovery is about taking back your life. It's about taking back your life. Recovery has to be about you and for you regardless if the A chooses sobriety or not. It's about living the life you so richly deserve. It's about living strong. Alanon is a life changing and life saving program. Even though my beloved Tim passed away 6 months ago, I still find I need this program. It will help in so many circumstances. It will astound you. Recovery is absolutely possible. Of that I am 150% sure of.

I wish you safe travels. Come back safe and sound to us. Much love and blessings to you and your family.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <-- the cat

-- Edited by Karilynn at 21:54, 2009-02-04

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

I can really feel the pain in your post and it takes me back two and a half years to the final straw when I took the kids and left my AH. I remember for a long long time thinking he's going to get better, still thinking in terms of us, always worried about what or how he was doing and hurting his poor little feelings. Those days are gone. I have someone new now who doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs and is always thoughtful and considerate (of course it's still new...) I just wanted to say there IS hope, things DO get better, time really WILL heal all wounds. I still have a little scar tissue over my heart but when I ventured into this new relationship I realized if I want to love fully I have to take the chance of being emotionally devestated again. Then I thought I have done it before, I'll live! I gained so much from this experience of venturing off on my own. I think the most important thing at this stage is on every decision you are contemplating ask... is this the best thing for me or for him??? And always choose what's best for YOU with no apologies. HP will take you where you need to be, of that I have NO doubt!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.