I started to post this as a responce to the "Once an A, always an A" thread but thought I'd start a new one.

When an alcoholic gets sober, and begins to accumulate some sobriety, changes do begin immediately but not as fast as we'd like them to.

Usually the physical improvement comes first.  The body, even if badly damaged, usually responds readily when we stop putting a toxic substance into it on a regular basis.  The human body is remarkable in its ability to heal itself.  If only our brains and spirits could do as well!

The mental repairs happen next.  The ability to remember things, function, skills, learning - that generally comes around pretty quickly too, as long as there has been no permanent damage.

Then comes spiritual.  Some of us get instant, dramatic spiritual experiences that come ahead of everything else, but for the vast majority we have a slow awakening there, and it is the result of the program, not the cause of it.  Step 12 says "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps..." 

And unfortunately... for almost all of us, the alcoholics *and* the codependents and those of us "lucky" enough to be both (LOL)... the last growth is emotional.  I've never heard of anyone having instant emotional growth.  It seems less likely than spontaneous healing of a skull fracture.  Perhaps it is because our emotional "maturity" (I cringe to use the word) can only come about from experience.  There's simply no other way.  As an alcoholic myself, my years of drinking served the purpose of shielding me from emotional experience (as well as spiritual) so upon putting the plug in the jug, I found myself right where I started.  There have been no short cuts in emotional growth for me.  But I can see that in 20 years, there has been some.  I can also see - just from doing the math - that I won't live long enough to be an "emotional grownup".  There just aren't enough ticks left on the clock.  But I take some comfort in knowing that the maturity so often referenced (and making me cringe) is a fantasy, mostly one people apply to themselves.  As in, "I am, you're not". 

And we Alanons love that one don't we?  We, the long suffering spouse, parent, child, sibling, or friend of an alcoholic... we're the mature one, the A is the immature one and even sober, will always be well behind us and we can always feel superior on account of that.  Yeah right!!!  What a ticket to our own continued misery and martyrdom!  We can continue to be self-righteous, self-pitying martyrs whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not! 

Maybe I'm a bit more touchy about this one having been hit with it from both sides, and literally swung from one to the other... multiple times.  I got sick of the motion sickness actually.  There is no joy in proclaiming myself superior to someone else, whether I say it out loud or simply think smugly to myself, "jeez, so immature... I'm not like that".  The truth is, I *am* like that.  Just wait and see.  I guarantee you, any behavior or trait that I condemn - either out loud or to myself - I will exhibit in some form within 24 hours.  If not 24 minutes.

To expect an alcoholic to meet our expectations and our own standards for "growth" or "emotional maturity" within a human lifetime is unrealistic.  To expect it within early sobriety is a pipe dream.  To expect it from an active alcoholic is a form of insanity equal to the disease itself.  The ONLY thing we can expect from recovery is... progress.  Not perfection.  For us, for them.

I'm coming up on 20 years sober.  I've been reflecting on all that is good in my life today, none of which would be possible without sobriety.  And all that is good in my life today because of my Alanon program, which teaches me things about relationships and acceptance that don't get covered in AA.  And then I turn my chair around, knocking something off the desk onto the floor, and have a temper tantrum like a 2 year old baby.  I used to beat myself up for that - I'd bust myself in rank back to baby, berate myself at my "total failure".  But now - once I stop yelling anyway - I look at it as God's way of telling me that I'm still human, and he's never going to let me up on a horse so high that I can't survive the inevitable fall.

Barisax