The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was just reading David's post and felt something inside what serendipity said about being afraid and never giving of yourself that much again. I was talking to my friend who lives on the other side of the US today, telling her about the new boyfriend and she said, be careful, just don't give him your whole heart. That really got me to thinking because I have been SERIOUSLY avoiding giving my heart at all much less ALL of it.
Then I think to myself, what good is love if your love is guarded and untrusting? Why NOT give your whole heart? Sure, I am in a position that I could have it broken again. But I have survived heartbreak before and I would survive again. There is nothing like loving fully, deeply, passionately and feeling that someone else has that same love for you. I know that EVERYONE here knows the difference between being with a person you are kind of dating and might like and being with someone who feels like the other half of you. I think for me the problem is not that I loved too much or too deeply or too quickly, but that I refused to walk away when it became too painful to bear, holding on to foolish and unrealistic hopes rather than living in reality.
I am so happy that I decided to jump in with both feet and love and trust my heart fully to someone else. Life is full of risks but I would rather have extreme joy and extreme pain than a life of medocrity. To me not loving fully is just living in fear of being hurt, I won't live in fear anymore. I'll deal with the pain if that time comes until then I'll love as fully and deeply as I possibly can!
It is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all. I read a book on our search for meaning, and it really made me think about what the heck I'm doing here. Have had great mutual and respectful love? Have I contributed a great work or project? Have I been meaningful in the lives of others? This is my quest. Being willing is critical, but with eyes open
I can't really speak to your situation as I am sure I have no idea what you "should", "could" or "would" do at this time.
I do know that what I have had in most relationships is way too intense. intense love if you can call it that since fear was ever present no matter what, intense fighting, intense conflict and "merging" giving myself away to make peace, connect, "be" find a way to cope. I know for me either being isolated or attached to someone who was as chaotic as I was seemed to be my only option. Lack of "trying" was never the issue, in fact I "tried" till I had nothing left to give or say or do. Having boundaries and self intergrity and self preservation was something I had no idea about till I came here and started to put that together. If anything I "tried" for too long, too hard and irresponsibly to myself because I "wanted" and desired a "relationship so badly. Mediocrity was never an issue for me, feeling tremendously isolated was and jumping at the "chance" rather than being fully grounded in my life (which I had no idea how to do) was the constant and persistent pattern in my life. I'm certainly not for having isolation but neither am I for "giving myself" away as I did so regularly for years either. For me right now I have to learn new skills in negotiation, self preservation (I have had very little of that) and detachment (I'm still a beginner at that). I'm sure there are other skills I am not even aware of yet.
These days I look at other options, at some point having a partner may be there. I know also that it may not. Either way I have really been working to "accept" right where I am today. When I can do that the fear seems to dissipate dramatically.
