my introduction - Al-Anon Family Group

Angela1975 · Member

my introduction

david62 · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Angela,

Glad you found us! You say you have been going to meetings for 3 months now, that is great! I have attended ftf (face to face) meetings for almost 5 years now and have also been a member here online for most of that time too. I find this place a great resource for recovery along with my local groups.

Keep posting and reading! Looking forward to having you as part of the family!

David

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

If you look up the top of this page there is an offer of a great book, Getting them Sober by Toby Rice Drew. I can't recommend the Getting them Sober series highly enough.

You are certianly in the right place. I was absolutely one of those ranting raving people and ranted and raved and at the same times on so many levels enabled an alcoholic for a long long time. Now my interactions with anyone I consider to be an alcoholic are more measured, boundaried and carefully undertaken.

I think you have a wonderful way with words. There was a time in my last relationship with an A we had it all, two cars, nice home, good income, two dogs, two cats. Eventually that came crashing down. There were many signs, the going missing, the unvailability. There was also the complete inability to hear what he did to me hurt me desperately.

I was completely paralyzed by the situaiton for a long long time. At times I was desperately depression, the depression excacerbated illnesses I had.

What got me better, this room for one. Going to counselling also helped. I'm not sure of the resources where you are but generally there is a low fee counselling group/individual services available somewhere in the vicinity.

Of course we want no one to know but the irony is that a lot of people do know already. Looking for support is a difficult courageous thing to do. I'm glad you are here.

There are numerous tools in al anon that can really help you, detachment (takes a lot of practice) there are resources on that at the excellent web site www.coping.org. There are also ways to not get into fighting with the alcoholic. Belive me I know how difficult that is. Somehow fighting and creating chaos seems to enable their disease. Of course they do create chaos and they are not responsible around it so there's some of the paradox we deal with. One way to for sure get better is to really dive into learning about codepdency and how to observe it in yourself. There are lots of resources on that , here on the web and on this site. Any of the official al anon texts are wonderful and there is a new al anon book that has wonderful reviews. Personally I like the work of Melody Beattie, Pia Melody and others who have looked at these issues deeply. I find re-reading them very helpful.

I'm hopeful you will become a regular here. Come post and look at and answer posts daily that is a very therapeutic practice. You can also access the chat and meeting rooms.

Look forward to getting to know you.

Maresie.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Angela!!

You have some very solid assets around you when you want to use them.
Your Mom and her ESH and your Dad and his and your meetings. These
are soooo opposite doing what you are doing which is what I did also with
out the kids under my arm but I have heard so many different but the same
version of your experience that I've come to believe that "chasing them
down" is normal for preprogram people affected by the disease of
alcoholism.

Awesome thing that worked for me was when I stopped doing those
power and control things and just left her up to her own decisions and
to her Higher Power. It's tought to do. It takes tons of courage and
support and a no excuse to change attitude.

I agree that "the others" already know what is going on. There is no
justification not to willingly and honestly go see help for yourself.

He isn't much security if he is at the point where the disease will steer
him away from home and family. When it gets to that, like it did for me,
he's already accept slavery. You don't have to.

Keep coming back and keep going to your own meetings. Listen for
the suggestions and practice, practice, practice. (((((hugs))))) smile

missing out · Senior Member

Well Welcome Ang...
Glad to have you here... Your husband sounds alot like what my mom went thru with my father, he would go missing for days on end, then show up with a buddy so that he wouldn't get a butt chew'n when he first got there, My mother too, drug 3 kids across town when she couldn't take it anymore, and then one day, by the Grace of God... She just quit...Us kids I think were the happiest, and tho she was not happy with his choices, she left them be his... And put her focus on us kids till she could get the means to Get out... She din't have a job and had 3 kids in age 3,8,13... But she did it...My father never changed, but some do. I will pray that yours does...However, sounds as tho you should put more focus on making yourself and your children happy, and less on him and maybe he will see what he is missing..Maybe not, but you wont be soo stressed all the time... "Let Go & Let God" I love that saying, I have been doing my best to do just that because me and "Detachment" haven't excepted each other yet..lol... but I am getting there "One dad at a time"...

Your friend in Recovery
Missing Out...

Canary · Veteran Member

Angela....you just told my story. To a T.
I just recently removed my husband from the house after his bouts of drinking. You can read my other posts.
Like you.....I would sit and wait for him and he would never come home. He would call me as he was leaving work and he would never come home. WHen he did....he was drunk driving. I am a trauma nurse so you can only imagine how that made me feel. He would be home with the kids when I worked (we work opposite shifts....he is not a nurse). SO, here I was supposed to go to work the next day and he would never come home. The fear....the anxiety....the panic that I had when I saw the clock tick and he wasn't home. Every time he went to work.....or for dinner....I would stare at that clock and when he wasn't home when I expected....I would start panicing. I would stare out the window and when he did come home on time....sober like he was supposed to...I would have a sigh of relief and then be so happy to see him. Sick. Here I was rejoicing that he did something that so many others so....and are supposed to do.

I was caught up in the madness, chaos and insanity.

I have nothing to say to you....but wanted to share my story and tell you that I am going through the same thing you are.
You have the tools. You know what you are "supposed" to do. But it is very hard.
I look forward to talking to you.

United....Suzanne

Rora · Senior Member

Welcome!

Angela1975 · Member

Thank you very much for your note. The scenario you described is one that I can very much relate to and I can only imagine how upsetting it would be if I were waiting on him to be responsible for caring for our children and the frustration you feel when he doesn't come through. I know exactly what you mean by feeling so GREAT when they do something that should just be expected behavior...like coming home! It is crazy isn't it? I had a good meeting last night here in town and afterwards I always feel hopeful. My husband asked me last night if I'd stay home rather than go to the meeting and I replied "That one hour a week is the time I feel the most understood and comfortable and I'm not about to give it up." He dropped it.
Anyway, thank you so much for sharing with me.
Angela

Angela1975 · Member

Wow....what a nice welcome you all have given to me. Thank you for responding so warmly to my first post. This is my first online group, so I'll be feeling my way through it. My dad, who I mentioned before, is very involved in an online support group 'Beacon of Hope' and is a manager now-he speaks so highly of what the group has done for him and how he gets to reach out and help others----so he suggested I try it for myself. I think I made the right choice. How great it is to know I'm not alone!
Thanks everybody!
Angela

Canary · Veteran Member

Just checking in to see how you are today. I came on here especially to do that. I am happy that you went to a meeting too. Its amazing how selfish they can be. It always has to be about them. But there is nothing like having a head full of Alanon.

Suzanne

Angela1975 · Member

That is very true---when I leave my Monday night meeting, I feel so much better, like a weight has been lifted, if only for a little while, even if I don't even share much during the meetings. The women in my group are so welcoming and so understanding.

aunitedway · ~*Service Worker*~

((((angela)))) <<< just want to give you a bighug and a warm welcome.

so glad you found miracles in progress .

. so hope you will continue as there is so much to learn here, at your local meetings, and from each others experience, strength and hope. (es&h)
keep workin it your worth it!

keep comin back! keep lookin uP

Maria123 · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Angela,

You are very much NOT alone. Your story is so similar to many of ours.

I thought I would share this poem which was shared with me very very early in Alanon (though not CAL) and it's appropos that the title is Angela's word.

Keep coming, keep posting, it all helps
Maria

Angela's Word

When Angela was very young,
Age two or three or so,
Her mother and her father
Taught her never to say NO.
They taught her that she must agree
With everything they said,
And if she didn't, she was spanked
And sent upstairs to bed.

So Angela grew up to be
A most agreeable child;
She was never angry
And she was never wild;
She always shared, she always cared,
She never picked a fight,
And no matter what her parents said,
She thought that they were right.

Angela the Angel did very well in school
And, as you might imagine, she followed every rule;
Her teachers said she was so well-bred,
So quiet and so good,
But how Angela felt inside
They never understood.

Angela had lots of friends
Who liked her for her smile;
They knew she was the kind of gal
Who'd go the extra mile;
And even when she had a cold
And really needed rest,
When someone asked her if she'd help
She always answered Yes

When Angela was thirty-three, she was a lawyer's wife.
She had a home and family, and a nice suburban life.
She had a little girl of four
And a little boy of nine,
And if someone asked her how she felt
She always answered, "Fine."

But one cold night near Christmas time
When her family was in bed,
She lay awake as awful thoughts went spinning through her head;
She didn't know why, and she didn't know how,
But she wanted her life to end;
So she begged Whoever put her here
To take her back again.
And then she heard, from deep inside,
A voice that was soft and low;
It only said a single word
And the word it said was... NO.

From that moment on, Angela knew
Exactly what she had to do.
Her life depended on that word,
So this is what her loved ones heard:
NO, I just don't want to;
NO, I don't agree;
NO, that's yours to handle;
NO, that's wrong for me;
NO, I wanted something else;
NO, that hurt a lot!
NO, I'm tired, and NO, I'm busy,
And NO, I'd rather not!

Well, her family found it shocking,
Her friends reacted with surprise;
But Angela was different, you could see it in her eyes;
For they've held no meek submission
Since that night three years ago
When Angela the Angel
Got permission to say NO.

Today Angela's a person first, then a mother and a wife.
She knows where she begins and ends,
She has a separate life.
She has talents and ambitions,
She has feelings, needs and goals.
She has money in the bank and
An opinion at the polls.

And to her boy and girl she says,
"It's nice when we agree;
But if you can't say NO, you'll never grow
To be all you're meant to be.
Because I know I'm sometimes wrong
And because I love you so,
You'll always be my angels
Even when you tell me NO."Source: Barbara K. Bassett

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi there, that's my story too. I ended up leaving and moving out with the 3 kids and have been a single mom for the past two and a half years in a place where I knew not a soul. So there is hope, things can be better, my life has improved 1000 times since I first came here! Keep coming back and sharing!

Angela1975 · Member

Thank you to all of the welcome notes and hellos you have all taken the time to write to me. My husband attitude and behavior seems to be getting so much worse and I find that I actually look forward to the times that he is at work or gone doing his "own thing" like fishing or being with his buddies. I feel bad about that, but when he is here we all walk on eggshells and he has such an opinion about everything that goes on----I wonder if he doesn't realize that I handle everything for 99% of the time....it's like he comes in AFTER the game has been played wanting to call plays! It has me feeling very angry towards him. The other night he ranted and raved about how our children are to "clingy" towards me. The nerve of him! Of course I told him that if it wasn't for him and his disease the children would not cling to me so often---they cling to me because I am the one in their precious little lives that they can depend on. I am the one who does what I say I'll do and he doesn't and kids are smart---they figure out who you are really quickly. I am to the point where I just can't stand him.

Canary · Veteran Member

OH Angela. We are twins. Twins yet so far away. You described my life 1 month ago. Until I removed him from the house. I couldn't take it anymore. Now that I look back, I see how I was. I see how what I was doing was not good for me .....for my kids or for my husband. Because guess what.....he drank anyway. Even though I took on all the responsibilites of the children and walked on eggshells....he still drank and in the meantime, I became a different person. And that angered me. Because I felt like I was cheating my children of knowing the real me. The wonderful me.

I used to always say....."I can't wait for him to come home because I knew then that he was home and not drinking (he didn't come home when he was drunk)but then I couldn't wait for him to leave." I lived in fear and panic when he was out and I lived with fear and panic when he was home because he personality was awful. Not violent but miserable. He was like a bad wind who blew through the house. Never happy...always complaining....no patience with my 2 and 4 year old. ANd the kids....they felt it too. It was a tense environmnet.

Now that he is gone......Ahhhhhhhhh, sigh of relief. My days are not spent dreading when he walks in the door. My days are not spent worrying if today will be the day he drinks again. I go to bed without a worry (or so to speak!!).

You will get there someday. Someday.

I am thinking about you.

Suzanne

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Angela's Word