The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My aH from whom I am separated made plans with me to pick up our son at 6am today.(They have to be 2 hrs away at 8am). It's chatted up over the weekend, "...going on a big long drive, need to get up nice and early...etc" So, son and I get up at 5:15am. (Normally, we'd get up around 6:15am)
Son is up and rareing to go at 6am, just like planned. Wants to get his snow coat on, mittens, hat, so he's "super ready" for when Daddy comes! Son is waiting, waiting, waiting by the window...I am waiting waiting waiting to hop in the shower so I can get ready for work... Son is cranky now, wondering where Daddy is, "he's never gonna get here", etc. I am fielding those worries and complaints...suggest son discuss that with Daddy when he arrives, let Daddy know how his being late makes him feel.
6:20am comes along, still no Daddy. Son calls aH on cell, he'll be here in 10 minutes. 6:35am, aH arrives, all happy go lucky and cheery. I encourage our son to tell Daddy how it made him feel to be waiting. aH, "oh sorry, I was running late" I say, "maybe if you know you are going to be late like this, you can call US and let us know in advance? He's had his coat, hat, mitts on, since 6am wanting to be "Super Ready" for you. And I've been waiting for you, so I can go get ready for work". aH, "uhhh...ok??" seeming a little stunned. They leave.
Normally I'd lay into him. Saying things like, "just another way you don't know how to think of anyone else but yourself" "We all got up very early, to adhere to YOUR plans, then you don't follow the plan nor let us know there's been a change." "Your behaviour affects others - if you are 1/2 hr late, you are going to affect the schedules of others by 1/2 hr."
But I don't. (I come here to do it!!) Will laying into him change anything for the next time? Nope. At least it never did before. So, instead, I indicate a boundary, and hope that he follows it. And try to let it go.....
Aloha Rora...I have always been amazed how children "love anyway" while adults react from power and competition. The first time I heard the program question "Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?" I had a hairball of confusion jammed right up above my ears. I didn't know the answer to that and I didn't know that I didn't know. After a few days of reflection I told my sponsor "I'd rather be happy of course!" One of his responses to that statement was, "don't leave your happiness up to your alcoholic because its a set up. You set yourself up for disappointment and resentments especially from the alcoholic and also from others you are not having a good relationship with."
We also worked on the "being right" issue. That's a whole nother experience in itself.
Setting boundaries without expectations is most healthiest...for me that is.
Good on you! Sounds like you kept your composure but also communicated with clarity. A difficult balance to strike especially when a young one may be hurt (if only temporarily).
I used to hold back what I wanted to say and squash down my feelings so much, over and over. When I eventually expressed myself, I was like Mount Vesuvius erupting. Not pleasant for any of us.
Thank goodness for this board and my Sponsor. A place I can vent without hurting myself or another.
)