The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As you all know, if you have read my posts and remember me, I removed my aH from the home 28 days ago after coming home drunk. In short, he was sober for 8 years, started drinking (binge drinker), went to rehab and was sober for another 5 months. After enduring a year of chaos, insanity, fear and panic, I told him while he was in rehab. that if his drinking should continue after he got out, he would have to leave.
So, here we are. Living separately. He in a rental place, me at our home with our 2 and 4 year old. He thinks he will be coming home to live. I am not so sure. I feel so much better with him out of the house. Don't know if I want to go back to where I was.
So, yesterday we were talking. Mainly about the kids. ANd he said he wants to plan on going to Disney in NOvember. I immediately said, "We are living apart. We are strapped financially because of it. There are things that need to be worked on other than Disney. " He feels it would be good for us. I said, "Sobriety is good for us. That he needed to be a realist and face reality as to what is REALLY going on here."
Have you attended meetings? That would help you tons. We learn that the disease is the A's business and they will do what they do. We have no control over them at all. To tell them what to do, is moot.
We can say I feel stuff. Focus on our wants and needs. "Getting Them Sober" is a great book to help you to understand what you are going through.
We really never know what another is thinking,ever. In my program, I have gotten where I don't ask why or what anymore. Accept things and take care of my own life.
Haha I've sure experienced this. It's even made me doubt my sanity. Did you NOT just go through the same hell I did? Did we NOT have "separating" conversation just now? WTF are you talking about?!
I think they're just hoping it'll all blow over. I mean, what, are you holding grudges now? LOL.
Don't worry about it. He's just being an alcoholic.
I always had this dream of going to Disney with my family. Lost my dad and realized life was too short. I also sinced the storm brewing in our household and felt a great urgency to get that trip arranged and completed. Scheduled it for late last August..had a huge blowout and left AH in June. Became an Alanon member in July and decided that we could still go to Disney for the kids. I worked hard to get as much information in me before that trip and I went there with the attitude that if we could not get along at the "Happiest Place on Earth" that we were in BIG trouble. I hoped we'd reconcile during the trip...we didn't but we did come back on better terms. The kids have some wonderful memories. It helped them and us to understand that even if we are apart, we can still be a family. For that gift, I am a very GREATFUL Alanon member.
I know my aH would throw things like that out at me from time to time...I'd be so consumed with the immediate circumstance that I would be appalled that he'd even be into tomorrow, let alone months down the road. I'd be resentful at how unplugged from reality he was.
As I came to understand, I think he was looking for validation in a indirect and manipulative sort of way. Instead of saying to me, "I am in so much pain. I am so scared. The thought of not having you permanently in my life kills me. I don't know what to do." or even better, "so tell me, where are you at with things? when you think 6 months down the road, do you see me in your life?" He'd say these seemingly weird things to see what my reaction would be. I honestly don't think he knew/knows a better way.
My aH and I have both tangled ourselves a right crazy and manipulative mess. I am equally as inept at dealing with my own business and not interfering with his. But, I like to think that I am making progress!
I don't know what your aH is thinking. Maybe he too doesn't know how to express himself clearly or even know what he wants to know.
For me, I have decided I want what is best for myself, but also for my aH. And I found that with me hovering over him, telling him how to behave, what to do, where to do it, how to do it, when to do it, and just what I think of all his mistakes, firstly it never worked before and further drove him and ME crazy...and lastly I have come to accept that by doing this, it prevents him from finding the answers for himself. The answers that just may help him to be a person that he can be proud of (and that I can be proud of). So, I've purposely layed off of him. And that feels right at this point.
I can relate very much. Reality is not an active alcholics forte. I have to say as an active codependent I didn't like reality much either. Whenver the A hinted he might get better I jumped on it and forgot all caution. I'm glad you have some.
What helped me was realizing that if they're drinking, then their thinking is mentally unsound. Knowing this I could stop expecting rational thought from them. They were simply incapable of it. Takes a long time of non-drinking for their brain to dry out also. Sometimes years. Sometimes the damage is too great. One never knows. Each person's body chemistry is different.
My ex is in rehab. We were discussing the house that he got in the divorce. He had allowed it to go into foreclosure. I was asking him what happened with that because I had heard he had a buyer just prior to that. He said "well when we bought the house, you signed the pest report, and when they did a pest inspection they found old damage from years ago, but there was nothing I could do about it because YOU signed that report that everything was ok, so the sale fell through."
Huh??? What?? I was in an area where cell phone reception was bad and had lost connection right after he said that, so I wasn't able to ask him why he simply couldn't have had the pest damage repaired out of the 80K to 100K equity he had in the house - that could have all been taken care of in escrow. True he would not have netted as much from the sale, but honestly, something is better than foreclosure and credit ruin, isn't it?? Yeesh!! That's an example of how they can't think rationally. Also a good example how they like to keep blaming things on others. LOL (By the way, he had to initial those pest reports too as we bought the house together.)
Ah well, life goes on....
__________________
Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Reading the Getting Them Sober books explains alot of that. Kinda of the Games Alcoholics Play. My AHsober (who left) would kinda string me along being saying and yea when we go to graduation together, when we go see the boys, etc. Sometimes it happened and sometimes it didn't. He was kinda having his cake and eating it too. I don't give it much credence. Hold your ground. I think that your are on the right track.
hm, I would say who cares what he's thinking? You are living your life and he is living his. If he wants to pay for a trip to Disney then you can choose if you want to go or not. Only you know that, but it's his choice what he wants to plan out. I wouldn't even give a response other than ok whatever let me know when you get that all lined up...
I know from experience that it's very very hard to change you thinking from that of US to that of ME and HIM as separate individuals. I had to consciously redirect myself every time I thought in terms of us. I would say to myself - not us... me... - and I learned very quickly not to depend on him for anything.
