The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My best friend (and principal "qualifier") is sober but has dropped out of recovery (though he wouldn't put it that way) and for the last 4 or so years has been more and more self destructive.
I've been in Al-anon a year. After yet another disasterous holiday season, I decided things weren't working for me and took a break from him for the first time in 11 years.
I did it very nicely, with wording help from my sponsor, and kept the focus on me and not him, etc.
On the one hand I feel like a horrible friend, to have abandoned him when he's suffering.
On the other hand, every time there's a choice, he picks the most self-destructive one. And then I feel obliged to be supportive- it's his life, right? And his choices have been destructive to me as well, since our lives have been so entwined.
I spent so much time hurt and baffled that my best friend would treat me so badly, and when I'd object to any of it, he'd say it wasn't true- I was misinterpreting. Or he'd point out how much worse he COULD have been.
Who IS this guy? I don't know him any more! I haven't known him in a couple years now.
But there are flashes of the person I loved so much so I keep sticking around in case he returns for real. Every 2-3 months he decides his life in unmanageable and goes back to AA and I get all excited and then, you know, things come up and AA gets backburnered and he becomes a miserable human being and an asshole to boot.
I know he loves me. I know this is his disease.
Or maybe it isn't. Maybe this is the new person he wants to be. (Though it doesn't seem to bring him joy.) How can I tell the difference?
The "detachment with love" message... I don't get it. That woman in the book who puts the blanket on the drunk on the floor. At what point is she allowed to get sick of drunks on her floor? When she does, is it her fault because she's no longer "detached"?
When I get upset am I "allowing his choices to affect my serenity"? Or am I "taking care of myself" and "not accepting unacceptable behavior"?
My sponsor says it becomes clearer as you're in the program longer, but I need to figure it out now.
Am I destroying my closest relationship because my ego is wounded by his horrible behavior? Or am I simply drawing boundaries?
hehe but I need to figure it out now !! good luck with that one , listen to your sponsor everything will become perfectly clear , one of our biggest defects is Patience * we don't seem to have any * if your taking care of your own needs u won't have time to wonder what he means or try and figure out why he does what he does . One of the things re quired in AA is complete honesty if they want to recover , and if unable to do that often they leave the program . Him telling u that u are mis interpeting what he says is crazy making stuff and we don't know what to believe anymore learning to trust yourself is big , trusting what u see and hear takes time that is when we begin to live in reality not the fantacy we have in our heads of how our lives should be. He will do what he has to do, nothing u can do about him drinking or not . get the focus back on yorself and u will be just fine .
Your post really hit home. I am struggling with the very same thing with my husband. I want to stay married to the husband of 15 months ago....and divorce the one of now. He was sober for 8 years so I know he can do it and I know how wonderful he can be. Yet, I know to get away from the insanity and chaos, anxiety and panic I cannot be with him. Yet, I feel so guilty for abandoning him, yet I just can't do it. Disease or no disease, he chose to drive his car to the bar....and drink instead of driving his car home or to a meeting. Sorry, to make this post about me...but I wanted to let you know that I relate to you. I am looking for answers as well.
gngcray, I agree with abbyal. I have always said with patience comes wisdom. Imagine trying to actually focus on an object while you are on a roller coaster. You can see it but it is not clear. The moment you get off the roller coaster you can focus and see everything much clearer. Living or dealing with an alcoholic is no different.
You are doing all the right things, going to meetings, listening to your sponser, coming here. HP always seems to take more time fixing our problems than any of us like. He will, but in his time, not ours. You will get the answers you want, it will take time (patience). When the time comes and you have all the answers you need, you will make the best decisions for you. At that point your patience will have become (wisdom).
Well I can certainly relate to wanting to fix some people. I can also relate to having to let go of people I once considered close friends. You aren't alone in your remonstration. What I remember day in day out is that I have no control over anyone else's behavior.
I also had a disastorous holiday (long story). I am looking at I need to do a lot of work to create a better support system for myself. Lots of circumstances keep getting in the way of making the time to do that.
I am glad you are here and talking about this issue. This is a prime one for me.
Sometimes we find out that 1 year in Al-Anon isn't long enough compared to 11 years wandering around in the Fog of Alcoholism. Your sponsor and other old timers will help you get away from the stuff that you do that gets you in trouble regardless of who your qualifier is. I have never come across or read a recovery book that speaks about part-time recovery either in Al-Anon or AA. Might be that for your friend even his own sponsor, if he has one, has already taken their hands off and turned your friend over to his HP.
My spouse was a binger and a part time AA member. I know alot of other members who have worked a part-time program. I have never found one who has been successful at it in either program.
Take the suggestions from the people who have been around for a while and who have the peace of mind and serenity that you want. Hang around them and practice practice practice what they do. You'll get the same thing.
I think you articulated the point well: "when does the wife get sick of having drunks sleeping on the floor?"
THAT is the question that only you can answer- its one only each of us can ponder and answer in our own good time. Its the point where we all end up- how far can we go and where do we draw the line?
I sometimes think that God puts us here so we will know where this line is. And it may be in a different place at different points in our lives and in our different circumstances throughout our lives, etc. The core issue of this is KNOWING OURSELVES and again, points to our program of keeping the focus on US, not them.
