The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Being separated from my aH, I am still shaky on my feet in the newness of my life. We've been very on and off for the past year, each of us moving in our own directions. I feel as though, the reconciliations of the past have been a result of my being willing to "chase" him, make ammends, insanely harrass him until he is duly satified to give me the time of day again, or sit down and have "long talks" (aka lectures) about what the problems are...etc. I don't do that anymore, because when nothing changes, nothing changes. That hasn't gotten me anywhere before, except feeling empty, on my own, and disappointed.
When I start to feel lonely and sad these days, I think to myself, the answer is so easy, all he needs to do is come here, tell me how worth it I am, how important our family is to him, how he wants a better life for himself, for us, etc. It's so easy. But I know it isn't was IS and I'm done trying to force a fake reality. As a result, I don't hear from aH other than thru text and emails to make visitation arrangements.
Formerly, I'd be the one "forcing things out of him"....asking questions like, "doesn't this matter to you?" "don't you care about us/me/you/our son?" I'd constantly ask these prompting questions that would lead him into the path that I wanted him to go down. I would force him down that path, to participate in the marriage, and I'd have to be the director of that because without doing so, aH was very willing to live behind the scenes. I'd be scripting and forcing the relationship, as without doing so, there'd be nothing. As it is now.
For years I've had this painful feeling of loneliness. That we were together physically, but that I was having a relationship with myself, all on my own and that it was all up to me. I used to say to my aH," I don't know who you think you are having a relationship with, but it's not me", when he'd come up with these accusations, or comments, or predictions. I'd look at him like "is that really who you think I am?" feeling so insulted, so irritated that after 9 years, he doesn't even know me.
But, I had a big part in that. I took over where i shouldn't have. While I think it's okay in a marriage to occasionally have your partner carry the load from time to time, for me, i have been very wrong to take everything over, and expect to feel well cared for, well supported, well loved.
And, so now I sit with this new emptiness and loneliness, that isn't a whole lot different than the emptiness and loneliness I felt with my aH, except at least this new and current life of mine also includes hope for a better future, where the other one didn't! I want to learn from this day forward how to not set myself up for that. To know my boundaries, to know my limits and to accept when things aren't what I want and need. I am far from that, but I will work towards that, one day at a time!
What a formidable share. I forced so many issues in our marriage. The irony is that when I stopped "forcing" things really fell apart. I took that chance that they would. Nowadays when I see red flags in a relaitonship, signs there is substance abuse, abuse, lack of respect, I step back. When I was with the A I invested more time and energ.
I'm very very very lonely these days. I allow for that. I know finding a support group of friends may take years. I also know that they will be far more carefully chosen.
As you may know I live around alcoholics. I'm in awe of an alcoholics ability to manipulate and totally control his environment so he is never held responsible for his life. Indeed I'm aware that if one person holds them responsible, they balk, resist and attack.
Great inventory work and introspection. You've become aware of alot and I'm sure you will become aware of even more because it sounds like you are open to discovery and change and positive consequences. It seemed like it took me forever to get this far and then maybe I wasn't so serious back then about getting better. I wanted her better.
When I reached the point where you have reached, my then sponsor asked me, "Okay now that you know? Now what?" I had to use what I found out about myself to make changes for myself. Good work!!
After reading your post I realized that we are in a very similar situation. 7 months and counting since we've been seperated. I feel that I'm the only one trying. I keep telling myself not to hang my heart out on a string and let him beat on it like a Pinata whenever he feels like it. I'm now the one only making necessary phone calls, it's VERY hard. I don't understand how he can be doing this to our family and dreams but I'm working very hard every day to let go and let god.
Our divorce was ready to proceed a couple weeks ago. I told him that I can't be around someone who acts like I have the Plague. He said he's that way because he wants to be with me but doesn't know if he can do "it". I think he's getting very close to admitting what "it" is. I told him we'd come home even if he was still drinking that there were other things to work on but he won't allow it, he's say's "he's not right". I think that now that we have acknowledged the "elephant in our living room" he can't stand to have me near that elephant. At the 11th hour he called to stop the proceeding. Here I sit in limbo again with my heart hanging on a string but at least my string is getting shorter. I'm hoping soon he won't be able to get a good swing at it anymore. Tomorrows my 40th birthday, I look better than I have in years and I'm going out with the girls to see some comedy and have some well deserved laughs.
Well I have been thinking about this living the outcome is a hard one. All those years I stopped the A from falling, I was in so many ways avoiding myself. As long as I had him and his inevitable chaos I did not have to face myself.
(((Rora))) so glad to see you are sharing your experience strength and hope. i know with hope and faith in our tomorrows we are ever open to learn ... learn from each other learn from this wonderful program.
Today is your present. a wonderful gift! keep workin it and finding your inner self and a place of peace.
many blessings to yas.. keep workin them steps your so worth it! keep moving forward keep loookin uP
i know with hope and faith in our tomorrows we are ever open to learn ... 
learn from each other learn from this wonderful program.
keep workin it and finding your inner self and a place of peace. 
keep moving forward 
keep loookin uP
