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I am sooooo angry right now at pretty much everything that I swear I could explode. After 2 months more, post breakup, of leading me on to believe we were on the verge of reconciling sober and IN PROGRAM 10 yrs EXABF pulls another 180 and says he was thinking that we were working toward a reconciliation too since New Years but knows now he is not ready to and wants to pretty much date other people.......The !@#@@# kicker is he writes and I quote "I still want happily ever after, and I want it with you but I just can't take that chance" Now he can take a chance on loosing me/us FOREVER-but he can NOT take a CHANCE on us getting back together and risk loosing our "happily ever @#@#@ after" In WHAT world, on WHAT planet, in WHOSE mind does that make any sense????????? And how I am supposed to just NOT say anything to him about how he has played with my emotions and stomped me into the ground with his games, when it is taking everything I have not to drive over to his house and bust him in the mouth that he talks out both sides of..... How is a program that teaches me to just keep my mouth shut and play the doormat for one more man, one more time helpful??? His disease this and his disease that.....he isn't even drinking......been sober and in program for 10 yrs, sponsers people......so I don't feel any sympathy for his disease that he didn't choose. That's bull!! We all make choices.........and I am sooo sick and tired of his. His HP this and his HP that,,,,,,,,well I can't imagine anyone's HP telling them it is ok to mislead women and children and toy with their feelings and their hearts and then say "I'm not responsible for anyone elses feelings"-what a program that gives people the right to accept no responsibility for their actions. I can't imagine any HP allowing this to happen to me over and over again, and letting me start to rebuild trust with this man only to have him stomp me into the dirt one last time. Well somewhere along the line someone HAS to be responsible for their actions or inactions, just sitting down and shutting up and taking what the A dishes out and saying the serenity prayer over and over is NOT making them see the error of their ways OR teaching them how to act/behave like REAL human beings and how to treat others. I'm going insane from his disease and we are NOT even together, will NEVER be again and he is NOT even still drinking. At what point is it NOT ok for the "sick" A to quit treating the rest of us like we owe them??? And what kind of program is it that focus' on me and what I am doing and NOT on the A who is "sober and working his program" At what point are the A's accountable for their behavior???? I am just soooo sick of it all.....Walking around with blinders on and only seeing the good in people doesn't always work........some people are just not any good and just don't care who they hurt. I just don't know right now what this program can offer me, and doubt it can offer me anything....the A is gone, and I am so angry and feel so betrayed that I can barely function......He walks back into his little Mr. Roger's rainbow world of "peace, clarity and serenity" wishing me and my son "nothing but the same" signing his parting email "UNITL WE MEET AGAIN", excepting no remorse or responsibility for his part in any of this and he'll be out this weekend with someone else. Tell me how that's right.....I just don't get it and how is this program going to fix the way I feel????? thanks for letting me share.
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Well de-taching is one thing. Focusing on our own life is another. I don't feel the "program" has made me a door-mat. Anything but.
I'm well aware that some people in sobriety don't make amends, don't make large changes to their lives.
I'm also aware that as a codependent I wrapped my whole life, happiness, everything around someone else. I no longer "do" that.
Of course you have every right to be angry. Of course you feel violated, of course you feel "led" on.
For me personally the program showed me that the man I was with was an alcoholic/addict. He did not choose to recover on any level. These days even if he did I would not have him in my life in any shape or form. I can't even say I wish him well at the moment. I do know that screaming at him, lambasting him and hating him was just one part of it for me. There are lots of reasons why I invested over and over and over in someone who was not meeting my needs. That is my part.
No one here can make it "all right". We canuse specific tools to make our lives better with or with an A you can make your life better. There are other options besides this program, therapy being one of them. I think getting as much support as you can around feeling betrayed, not listened to and more is key.
Aloha Shelly...That share brought back a lot of memories. One of the memories was the day I finally realized and accepted responsibility and the opportunity to let "her" go, turn "her" over completely including wanting her to sooth my pain and hurt and step up to the plate of fairness. On that day I didn't care anymore or need anymore for "her" to do anymore. I walked into my life and didn't look over my shoulder to see if she would call out to me to wait. When I finally, honestly admitted I was powerless I opened my hands and loosened my grip on the problem as I saw it and let it all go. I raged, swore, fought and cried for the last time over what I was trying sooo hard to hold on to and heal and then let HP have it all including myself.
Maybe today is your day. Bag it all up. Put it in the trash. Take it out to the sidewalk. Bring yourself back. Bring back only yourself because that is what is worth saving.
Shelly, There have been many times in my life when I have taken and taken from someone. It could be a relationship, business situation, or even someone I thought was a friend. I can honestly say I always would take more than the average person. When I had finally done all I could do, tried everything I could try, taken all I could take, listened to every excuse, and lie, I called it quits with the situation. For me it is done, over, history. I close the door and never look back. No regrets. Not one second guess. Loss cause. Does that make me a bad person. I don't think so. Most of the situations I am referring to were Pre- Al-Anon days. I know now I was taking care of myself first. It just took me longer to do "the next right thing".
I think back and realize my HP was telling me many times in many ways what I should do. I was not listening, seeing, looking. He put my answers right there in front of me in so many ways.
Shelly, I know you feel hurt, wronged, lied to, mislead, angry, and countless other emotions. "Maybe" HP has been telling you, and showing you, and like me you were not listening, seeing or looking for the answers. Jerry mentioned puting it in a bag and leaving it at the sidewalk. I mentioned I closed the door and never looked back. You have to do what is best for you. It may be an over used saying but it is so true. We can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect different results. I know because I've done it a thousand times. It's like jumping in front of a train, it will run over you every time. In your case the train could be your EXABF. Maybe, just maybe HP is suggesting that you do not step out in front of that train.
Take what you like and leave the rest. For me the program works and so does my HP. I hope and pray you continue to use both.
The programme will help you see that you are worth so much more than the deal you are getting right now.
It will show you how you can make your life more palatable, and how you have been affected by someone else's drinking. It will show you how, once you realise that nothing changes until you change something, you can look at the wounds you have received from such a poisonous relationship, and you can achieve healing from them.
The programme will help you to walk away from that poisonous relationship, heal those festering wounds, and bring you into a healthier state of mind, where you can see past the present situation and recognise that you are sick and need that healing.
This will NOT happen overnight, however step by step, as long as you stay with the programme you WILL advance and gain health and wealth in your life as you let go and let God deal with the A and you take care of yourself.
No one can tell you when enough is enough. You, just like the A, have to reach that point. When you get to enough is enough, then you will realise that you are worth working the programme so that your life can be enriched and able to make healthier relationships in the future.
Right now this will be hard for you, for the anger, the betrayal and all the mixed emotions that you are feeling are clouding your judgement and making you question the programme itself. Shelly, keep praying the Serenity Prayer, keep coming back, keep breathing, and keep taking one step at a time. We are here to help and support. This family is strong enough to hold you when you are feeling so weak, for there are so many of us who have walked the path you are walking now and who have felt the feelings you are feeling now.
Take care, and take time out to cool down but do not give up your programme. Time will tell, and your patience and tenacity will be rewarded, truly.
Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
How is this program going to help you fix the way you feel?
Quite remarkably, to be honest.....
Your program will help you focus on YOU, and typically will also help you question why you are so upset about losing the person that you are so angrily describing...... In time, when you feel better about yourself, you might actually find yourself thankful that you are rid of this insanity that he brings with him.....
Without your program of recovery, you are focussing on the (sometimes) unanswerable "why" questions, but your program will help you focus on the "what" questions. My sponsor used to tease me, when I was obsessing about my A's behaviors, and reminded me to ask myself this one simple question: "If you knew the answer to your question, would it REALLY change anything?" As an example, if you knew that your ABF acts like he did cuz he got dropped on his head as a small child.... or because his Mom didn't love him..... or because he's bi-polar....... or because the price of oil in the middle east is outrageously high......... would it REALLY make any difference? Try your best to focus on the "whats", and not so much on the "whys"......
Just my two cents.... Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
How is a program that teaches me to just keep my mouth shut and play the doormat for one more man, one more time helpful?? My program doesn't teach me to keep my mouth shut, always. Just when it is appropriate. And it definately teaches me NOT to me a doormat for anyone.
At what point is it NOT ok for the "sick" A to quit treating the rest of us like we owe them??? It is never "ok" for them to treat anyone that way.
At what point are the A's accountable for their behavior???? When they are held accountable.
I am just soooo sick of it all.....
I feel your anger, hurt and frustration Shelly. You got some great responses to your post.
That last statement from your post I quoted, " I am just sooo sick of it all". I have been there right were you are. It was the worst time of my life. It was also the end of the old and the beginning of the new.
When I got to that point I knew it was truly time to start changing myself. Taking the focus of the other person as the source of my happiness. I have heard so many times, "Alcoholics are gonna do what alcoholics are gonna do. What are you gonna do?"
Alcoholism is forever. It never becomes Alcoholwasm. They are who they are and we cant make them be what we want them to be anymore than we can make someone who is not an alcoholic be who we want them to be.
Feel your feelings my friend. Let them out, like you did here! But don't give up on the program before the miracle can happen for you too.
Lately I've been reflecting on one of the ways in which this disease has affected me:
I have been encouraged my whole life to adopt this 'who cares' attitude and all the while I have continued to care, in fact very deeply. This contrast between this inherited attitude and my actual feelings has been the source of much pain and conflict in my life. What this program is teaching me these days is to develop an attitude that is in line with what my feelings say to me, which is that in fact I do care, I always have, I was just never allowed to let that aspect of myself 'be'.
A quote that I read from Courage to Change and now apply to my relationships is in regards to knowing when to take the focus off of someone else's unwanted behaviours and focus entirely on my own attitudes and behaviours. In regards to the other persons behaviour the page said- once is a fluke, twice is a coincidence, and three or more times is a pattern. Once I recognize the behaviour as a pattern that I am powerless to change, its time to re-evaluate my boundaries and protect myself from their behaviour.
For me personally, the 3 most powerful words that made me wake up and decide to do this program until something changed, were "You allow it" - said to me by a police officer the night before I found this group. Those 3 words still remain just as powerful to me. It puts all the responsibility for MY decisions where they should be - with me. Which leads us right into choices.... whether we are with the alcoholic or not, isn't that where we chose or are choosing to be? And if I am unhappy where I am, well maybe I should be looking at myself and figuring out what I may need to do to change my unhappiness, because no one else can do that for me.
Keep coming back.
Luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
I can say from experience: YOU may want to read Emotional Unavailability by Bryn C. Collins
then get a bike, take up kickboxing, baking, cooking classes or something new with your son.
YOU can spend years asking the all these questions, being hurt, sad and angry (alanon behavior)
Or you can move the heck on- eventually look at yourself and your part in your choices - by working the steps if you choose.
It is a wasted life to wonder why an alcoholic drinking or not does what he does- that is why we "detach" as self protection and taking care of ourselves NOT to give them a free pass at negative behavior
actually when we detach and focus on us it totally sets them off, He will probably come crawling back the statement of - till we meet again was very likely designed to hurt you and get a long dramamatic response from you- which he could then ignore- keeping himself safe- weird but that is how my guy thinks - hurt them before they hurt you- yes when he feels like liveing "happily ever after" he is then afraid of being hurt- so he hurts you.
If I had it to do over again I would focus on me- with whatever tools or program I felt best- and move on and no way let him back ever ever ever!!!!!!!!!! I am worth more than having to constantly "live a program" and detach and work so hard to accomodate his / our disease!!
I am worth more than the life I have- so are you!!!!
