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I have been with my AH for 8 years and in that time gone through cycles of hope and disappointment over and over again and each time given more of myself to 'support him'. Predictably (to everyone but me) things are back where they were again with him drinking and me depressed but this time my daughter is older (and therefore more impacted by the tension in our house), and we are more financially linked making it harder to leave.
I've given myself 4 weeks to (re)work the programme and let go of my fairy tale and then I need to make a decision about what is best for me and my daughter in the reality of our situation. This is day 3.
I'd like to use this topic as a sort of diary to record my progress so forgive me if it's not really the point of the forum. And freely ignore the post. I just thought it may be helpful to others to see me work through this.
So far, I've accepted that I am powerless ove my AH's drinking and also my negative reaction to it and awknowledge that my life is unmanageable.
I do believe that a power greater than myself cane restore me to sanity - I certainly can't do it by myself.
I'm on day 3. So Step 3.
"Made a decision to turn my will and life over to God as I understand him."
This is a tricky one. All my understanding of God comes from my church background which tells me marriage is for life and I should love and obey my husband. So part of me thinks it is God's will for me to stay with him no matter what, in sickness and in health. Which I guess is where I struggle because there is a large part of me that just wants to run screaming for the hills.
I guess the key here is that I don't understand God, so it's kind of hard to try and do his will.
So starting with what I do understand. Whatever my HP's will is he will give me the resources I need to undertake it, right? That includes the desire to. Therefore, over the next 4 weeks I need to ask my HP to make me willing to do his will whatever that is, as communicated to me by him rather than from church doctrine.
So essentially this step is, I am willing to stay with my AH if that is my HP's will and I am willing to leave also if that is my HP's will. There is another element to this. I am willing to make the changes in my life, to my attitudes, actions and habits that are required to carry out my HP's will. In fact I know that some massive changes are needed by me if I stay.
This takes some swallowing - I think I'll need to come back to this. I have survived the last 8 years by trying to be as independent as possible and not relying on anyone else but myself, now I'm looking to hand that all over to a God that I don't understand - whoa! Not easy.
I also have been married for 8 years how ever that is not why I'm here... I am here because my father was an A, and I have been struggling with his passing resently..And i still have siblings and other family that are also A's... I have grown up around them, I have listen to their story's-lies on a regular basis...Since I have started this program, I have FINALLY touched the surface of loving myself...I don't know if God Did it, My HP... Or If it was 110% Just ME!... But know matter how I got to were I am... I am very pleased, the support here is out of this world... I don't know that 'I' Could do all 12 steps in the time allotted but... I wish you luck... It only works if you work it, and going to some F2F meetings couldn't hurt and may even help you understand you HP...
Keep coming back... With you in recovery... Missing out
__________________
Forgiveness- Isn't about forgettingwhat happened,its about Giving Up,All Hope,of a Better Past!
Wow...4 weeks time limit and it took 8 years or more to get here. I dunno if HP will has a solution to that. I've been around for a while and what I've seen work for me and for most others is to keep coming back with an open mind and allowing others to guide especially the new comers thru the journey. I was told this was a "life time" program and when I first heard that I was royally po'ed because my alcoholic wife was still "out there" with no end in sight while I was looking for some kind of end to the insanity.
One of the things I came to understand, kinda sorta was that HP's will might be that marriage be mutual and long lasting but the partner(s) I hook up with is my will alone. My will didn't work at all...I needed an HP will.
I have accepted that this is a life time program for many reasons only a couple are that if I slow down or stop working it I "relapse" just like the drunk, I go back to the insanity in spades and my life cycles back to where I stopped off at the last time. The circles get smaller, tighter and take a shorter time to complete. Its happened several times already. Another reason is that often when I loose seriousness in what I need I get into apathy and complancy and that opens the door to relapse. Another is that since alcoholism is a progressive disease I never stop learning and growing not only because I don't want to be affected but because the spiritual nature of this program keeps me closer to my HP. Another is that we who realize recovery always have an opportunity to insure that it works and to give it away to others who come after us. That is the 12th of the 12 steps.
Our philosophy of recovery is "One day at a time". Let go of the past don't project into the future, live only in the present. We only have the present. I don't work this program for the alcoholic although she was instrumental in me being guided to the doors of the face to face meetings where and when I started. I work this program for me. I made the choice to marry a drunk. I contributed to the insanity (had to find out how). I was and am responsible for the insanity in my life and changing people in my life rarely was the sole answer to the problem.
25 days!! gulp!! I hope you are not in too much of a hurry to choose to spend alot of those days in face to face meetings in your area and listening listening and listening somemore and making plans to take suggestions from those who have come before you and got their lives restored.
Keep coming back. Find out where the open face to face meetings are in your area...(Al-Anon is all over this planet) and don't miss going. Take this one day at a time and keep reaching out to those who have lived your story and now have a better life to live.
One of our Alanon books is called "As We Understood" - it's a little blue book, you should be able to find it at some f2fs. It's all about HP stuff.
On page 75 or right around there, it talks about the realization that "doing my HP's will" doesn't necessarily mean that HP has designated one particular choice as THE one and only right one - it's more that, as long as I make my choice in the spirit of turning my will over to hp, hp can use that choice for the good of all, long-term.
Well for me personaly making a plan be was about helping me along in making the choice stay or go. I use the metaphor of the ducks, they are really smooth sailing on the surface but underneath it they are paddling a great deal! My life has to be like that.
Personally for me the decision of stay/go was a hard one. I was over committed, the A was under committed. Marriage/relationshps take two. I had one person doing all the work and then some. The A abdicated everything.
I too invested more and more as the A got sicker and sicker. Now when I hit red flags in any relationship I disinvest. I stop investing. I stop putting in more. I put things on hold. I let myself off the hook to do all the work.
As a codependent I am deeply over invested in others and under invested in myself.
Thank you all for your overwhelming support and love. This forum is a lifeline to me as it isn't possible for me to get to face to face meetings.
Jerry, thank you for the reminder that this is a lifetime programme. I worked it before 2 years ago when I hit rock bottom. Detached from my AH and seperated and stoped working the programme and here I am again. It is clear that I need to go on working it over and over no matter where I stand in 4 weeks time.
Thanks thinks too much for the book reference I will check it out.
So day 4 step 4 -
"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself."
This is a bit easier on one hand because it's all about me (no trying to figure out an HP) but on the other hand it's all about the things I hate about me.
I guess this is more about identfying attitudes, behaviours and habits which are unwholesome today rather than things I have done in the past.
I re-live my past mistakes and choices constantly and they remind me that I have no right to sit in judgement on my AH but to constantly berate myself of these is not conducive to recovery. I also gain a certain smugness about how much better I am now. For me this step is about letting go of the things which I have inventorised over and over again (and made amends for where I can) and living in the now. What things have I done today that I don't feel morally good about? By doing this I can let go of the moral superiority that I get when I compare my life and actions to my AH.
Can I honestly say that given the blessings my HP has bestowed on me that I am acting in good faith with others especially my AH and daughter. Rather not! So this needs to be more a daily habit than a step.
Well Day 8 but have had a few days dealing with Step 3 & 4 and of course the weekend to deal with so step 5 today.
"Admitted to God, myself and another human being the exact nature of my wrongs"
This is interesting, as I struggled with the issue of wrongs. From a catholic upbringing then practically every thought that I have in the day is self-centered and to take this view left me feeling quite depressed.
But as I have been thinking about this step I have developed another slightly softer approach. Things which don't make me feel good about me are wrong as they are the things that cause me unhappiness and unhappiness leads to self-centeredness and treating others badly.
For instance, on Friday, my AH wanted to borrow a lighter to light his cigarette, I have one to light the cooker but he is infamous for walking off with them and then I wouldn't have been able to cook. So I said no and he had to go out in the rain to cadge a match off the guy in the chippie. Yesterday, I gave him a dressing down for drinking half the milk. I find that I am so unwilling to share anything with him. Being like this makes me sad and therefore I know that it is wrong as it contributes to my unhappiness.
Earlier when I was feeling blue my daughter tried to make me laugh with a childish toy. I was so absorbed in my own self-pity I didn't even try a smile for her sake. This also makes me sad.
These are the things I need to overcome in my own life if I am to be able to live happily and make others lifes better too. The power of recognising these things allows me to focus on things about me I would like to change to be happier rather than things about others.
"Are entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character"
Well this should be a no brainer shouldn't it? Who wants to hold onto being selfish, angry, depressed?
But what if giving up being selfish means I don't have what I think I need? I hold onto these attitudes because I think they protect me from the things in my life I fear. Hunger, isolation, misuse and abuse. Often they are a reaction to past experiences rather than the situation at hand and hence I constantly over-react and then feel guilty and over compensate. As a result I swing from being ultra passive or aggressive rather than being assertive and rational about sharing of myself and my resources in a way that protects myself but also blesses others.
This step is not about becoming a walk over and set myself out to be selfless to an extent that I am taken advantage of and end up washed out wrung out and expired. It is about letting go of the past, pausing in my reactions and asking my HP to help me to see a situation as it is now and to rethink my reactions to ensure that they are helpful to me rather than worrying about the impact of these on other people and trying to manipulate others through them.
Thanks for listening and being my constant support,
My AH reached the end of the latest binge over a week ago and I have been enjoying a calmer home life for a while. The drinking is starting to resume though so I am going to stick with the program and working on me so that when it does spiral again I am able to handle things.
So Day 16 - I'm over half way through my time frame - and need to stay focussed on making the right life choices for me and my daughter, for our happiness.
I have been thinking about the 6 steps worked so far and trying to incorporate them in my thinking and work them in my life. I can recognise my triggers when the depression starts to take me over and I start to behave in ways that make me unhappy. Taking a time out to talk to my HP has been a good technique, as has having some favourite photos on my phone to pause and look through and nice emails from friends. I am using these to break my patterns and allow my HP to remove those patterns of behaviour. It will be more challenging keeping that up when the drinking is in full swing again but how fantastic to have this respite to get new habits into place.
Step 7. "Humbly asked him to remove my shortcomings". It is so clear that I do not have the resources I need to cope with this situation myself. For years I have been trying to 'solve' his drinking and our relationship issues and my parenting issues by looking within myself for answers. I have rarely sought advice or help from elsewhere or recognised that the benefit of anothers experience is worth it's weight in Gold. Humbly asking for help is a big step.
This is about faith in my HP and others in their willingness and ability to help. This forum shows me that others are willing and able to share their ESH and my own experiences tell me that my HP does exist and is willing to help and lead me to others who can help.
Thank you all for you willingness to share you own experiences and journeys
Today I had the opportunity to contribute to writing a press article about my business and I was asked for 3 tips I would give to others. Humbly asking for help from others was at the top of the list. It is amazing how when you start doing this you start connecting with people in a new way and it is the same with my HP too. I realise that I did this a lot when I first split up with AH 2 years ago, I had to but as I got healthier and became stronger this went out the window and before I knew it I was back here again. Now it's back, so I thank my HP for bringing me back to a place of humility.
Go Step 7. I love it!
Day 17 - AH is struggling, want so much to 'make things better for him' but got to do what is right for me and my daughter. I don't think he likes the change.
Step 8 - "Made a list of all people that I have harmed and became willing to make amends to them all"
This is an interesting one. How far back does one go, how great the harm? The list could be out of the door and round the block. I guess this is a bit like My Name is Earl! I guess this is why the programme needs to be worked daily to stop that list getting unmanageable. I made some progress with this 2 years ago too and made amends where I could at that point so I guess I will restrict my list to the 2 year time frame unless there is anything that I can think of that I didn't deal with then. Not too bad, if I leave out the people I may have cut up in the car when I've been in a hurry.....
Well, gonna finish the day back at Step 7 again, love it so much!
Day 18! Just read the article recommended in forum on Emotional Intoxicants. Saw so much of myself in there not just since AH but before too.
Step 9 -"Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except where to do so would injure them or others"
Wow! Obviously can't do this one in a day, it is ongoing but I begun it today with my daughter. I realise in my instability I have alternatiely treated her with suffocating lova and indifference. My guilt and shame my inability to care for her properly when depressed has caused me to compensate by over indulging her at other times.
Making amends clearly has to be something different though. It needs to be a gradual change in attitude towards her and a forming of new habits that are healthy and consistent. It begims with taking care of me so that I can care for her properly. For expressing my gentle unconditional love for her in simple ways consistently, with smiles and by listening.
Beyond my daughter this is about gentle ways to let others know that I appreciate them and love them where my erratic and self-obsessed behaviour has in the past damaged our relationships.
Making amends to my AH is really hard though. There are too many conflicting emotions going on. He said yesterday - "you only talk to me when you want to nag" and he is right. I have gone so cold towards him. It is so hard to lovingly detach. I really felt today that I need some space and that there is no choice but to ask him to leave even if he were to stay sober as we feed each others negative emotions. There is such a fine line between making amends and resuming enabling behaviour. I think here Amends begins with making that break by not listing all the things wrong with him but instead focusing on what does not work with us. I have come to realise in the last 3 weeks that I am as much responsible for the sadness in our marriage as he is and I am also just as sick in my own way. Perhaps an admission of this to him is the first step in making amends. It isn't important if he even understands what I am saying it will be important to me to have said it.
Still I will not rush to any decisions yet, I have over a week still to go and I know that my emotions aren't stable. At the end of the 4 weeks I will take myself away for a few days, no phone and no contact and then 'soberly' reflect on my journey and what I have learned and decide on the best way to move forward with my life.
Thanks as always for all your inspiring posts. The forum has been such a support (I am sort of addicted to it!)
Day 19. Although I think I've lost a day somewhere - it's usually my AH that has that problem. He he!
I am so blessed to have found this forum, to have great friends and family that love and support me and to have a beautiful daughter. It seems my HP really does have me in his care. Someone elses post today reminded me that AH has an HP too and that therefore he will be ok no matter what. His ok-ness is not my responsibility.
Also reading today the posts of others at their rock bottom. If you are reading this then please know that day by day the programme can change how you feel. Before Christmas I frequently just prayed to die as couldn't face another day with him, couldn't face leaving and couldn't face myself. Now I know I will make it through today and I will find a way to make sure I have been happy at some point in the day too. Now I can face with another day, I may be able to face leaving and can face myself knowing that I am recovering from the effects of this disease and there is hope.
Thanks to all of you and my HP.
So Step 10. "Continue to take personal inventory and when I am wrong promptly admit it."
It is really easy to justify myself by my AH's behaviour. In fact this is so easy when someone is so unreasonable. Perhaps that's why I've stayed so long because I like the feeling of moral superiority. I have come to realise though that my behaviour is just as unreasonable at times and I indulge it and make excuses for it based on his behaviour. The article on Emotional Intoxication recommended in the forum rang a lot of bells. The question is am I capable of behaving reasonably in the face of unreasonable behaviour and therefore if not I need to be prepared to rework this step many times in a day.
So I'll start by admitting to you guys, I have been curt to AH today. There is a fine line between detachment and rudeness and I crossed it today. The amazing thing about my AH is that he rarely holds onto resentment or carries a grudge. I wish I was more like him in that way. So now as he sleeps (again ) I will pray that he has pleasant dreams and leave him a note that shows him I care when I go out.
I'm pretty sure that I know where this is going now, continuing to live together is not an option that I can accept. So I need to change it. His behaviour is not something that I can change so I need to accept it.
I know my HP wants the best for me, him and my daughter and it will work out ok. I had been worried about money but my HP has shown me this week he is more than able to ensure that we have everything we need.
I just need to find the right words now as I need to keep my own account and ensure that I don't speak out of resentment, anger or pain. I have wanted to tell him my decision for the last few days since I came to this realisation but know that I am not able to do so yet as I cannot do it in the right way. All my life I have spoken my mind without much thought to the fall out afterwards and it is hard to keep my own counsel but I am resolved to not only have peace with what I have to say but also how I have to say it before I open my mouth so it is my intention to talk to him next Sunday. Fortunately, he is not likely to invite me to share what is on my mind before then unless he has a personality transplant!
As to the other details, whether we will see him, how we will resolve the finances, what happens with the dogs, I'm going to leave them to my HP and recognise my AH's right to choose what he does too. It will all be ok.
Step 11 "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God, as we understood him, praying only for the knowledge of his will for me and the power to carry that out."
I have prayed for many things in life. A different job, relief from illness, happiness for my daughter and of course for my AH to stop drinking. Essentially prayer for God to change my external circumstances or others. There are times that I have sought his will for me in specific situations (and often still done the opposite anyway) but it certainly isn't a daily habit.
So just like my recovery is happening because I have redirected my focus and energies on me, I shall do likewise in prayer and stop praying for God to change the things I can't but to ask him to change me.
Day 21. Finding it hard not to blurt out my feelings. I know that for my daughter I need to wait until she is safely away for the week because it is inevitbale that there will be a fall out. I also know that I need time to be sure of my own mind and peaceful about it how I communicate so I am doing so with love and respect. I am such a compulisive, impulsive person it is hard for me to wait. Partly I'm scared I will change my mind.
AH is on charm offensive, perhaps he senses that I am detaching. My daughter's behaviour is challenging and irrational. I can see her immitating his extreme reactions while at the same time despising him. I feel sad that she has had to experience this in her life and realise that she will need time and support to recover. There are no Alateen meetings here she can attend so I don't know how to lead her to help and support.
Started reading "Getting them Sober" today by Tony Rice Drew. It's compelling reading and there was a lot I can identify with. Thanks for the recommendation on the Board.
Reworking step 11 today. Just need to rest and reflect on where I am and where I need to be. Keep asking HP for will, wisdom and power.
Thank you all for your ESH would not be where I am without the Board.
I have "Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow"
Day 22 - I notice I have changed to "Veteran Member" on the Board. I kind of like the sound of that. I always think of a veteran being a soldier who has come back from war with scars and injuries that tell stories. I think as people who have lived with alcoholism in our homes and lives we are very like this. Even the house tells the story. The whole in the wall, the cigarette burns on the rug, the damage to doors.
Stayed up late last night finishing "Getting them sober" a great read, with sound wisdom gently expressed. I have already sent it on to someone I know who will appreciate it. Also begun today with step 11. HP's will spent some time in meditation and as a result have now found some support for my daughter. It really does work if you work it.
I also have found myself slipping back into denial about my AH. Repeating that - "it's just a slip", "he's come so far" etc. I know that I am different and I know that that difference could enable me to stay but I can see the damage in my daughter's life and thoughts and it breaks my heart. I don't want to give him up and think that I could stay by adopting some of the strategies and tools but it is not fair on her. He has made his choices and will have to live with them, she still has her whole life in front of her. I owe her the opportunity to live in a home not rife with emotional tension.
I have been mediating on Maresie's point about a plan B. As someone who has lost her power and reacted to the situation I have often said it is impossible to plan as I don't know how he will be. This is the magic of plan B. On Saturday I went to the cinema but the queue was really long and I was concerned that I wouldn't get in to see the film. As I stood there I got tenser and tenser thinking how upset I would be if I didn't get in (much like I do when I anticipate AH letting me down). Instead of this I should have accepted that I might not get in and decided what I would do instead that I would like just as much - therefore removing the anxiety. Life is full of things we can't control, plan B allows us to adapt to outcomes that we can't control.
So it is a time to be resolute and determined and to prepare myself for the likely reactions that he will express.
I have already begun to intergrate Step 12 into my life. "I have had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, and I am trying to carry the message to families of alcoholics and to practice the principles in all my affairs".
I am so proud to also be able to tell others about this wonderful forum and the love and support that they will receive here.
Day 23. Have been struggling with anxiety today. I keep telling myself that it is normal to feel a little strung out. I am again facing massive turmoil in my life. Each day though, despite AH's attempts to toe the line there is fresh evidence of how out of control his life is.
I cleared his £850 overdraft at Christmas for him (I know, I know!) and have today discovered that he's right back there again. He stole £10 from my handbag on Monday too. The funny thing is though I have managed not to confront, which would be my usual reaction as there is no point. Instead I am just using the realisation to keep myself grounded in the 'reality' of the situation.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I prepare to make the break.
Day 25. AH AWOL. Keep telling myself it is good as it keeps it real. The more he lets me down over the next few days the easier it will be to ask him to go and the more chance we both have f recovery.
The clouds have gathered a bit today but I have chased them away with the help of my beautiful, clever daughter. Thanks HP for her as without her I wouldn't have the strength/realisation that I need to leave.
Thank you all for the hope you inspire in your honest and open posts.
