How to deal with resentment? - Al-Anon Family Group

Priscilla83 · Senior Member

How to deal with resentment?

buick23 · Senior Member

Priscilla,

I know what that feels like. I am working on letting go of resentments. Even though he's sober now, he's never mentioned any of the things that happened when he was active. Through alanon I'm learning to deal with it.

I was always told that they know what they did and they have a lot of resentment towards themselves. But that doesn't make it all easier to deal with. I used to always write in a journal how I felt and it helped. Now I post on here and talk to an alanon friend on the phone.

I also use the chat frequently. There are so many people who can relate.
There is hardly a day when I don't come on this board, even though I read most times. It is one of my daily things that I do to stay sane, or get my sanity back when I lose it.

buick

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

I am assuming your not attending Al-Anon for yourself , a meeting and a sponsor is the best and safest way to get rid of resentments . Your frustration at not being heard will go once u are settled in our program where you are heard , never told to not feel that way and most of all that you are not crazy . My husb is never going to understand what his drinking did to me anymore than i will understand his need to drink himself to near death , Al-Anons get me so thier the ones I talk too .
'Sobriety dosent make it any easier to be heard my husb is 19 yrs sober has made alot of changes in his life and ultimatley our families as well but to this day he cannot listen to how we felt when drinking , he is so full of shame and guilt that he just can't handle it . so I don't feel the need to talk things out with him . Please find a meeting soon Your worth the effort , Alot of the resentment and anger left for me when I began to see that I had a part in the mess we had created , there were many things I could have done differently but didnt , so really no point in blamming him , I had choices too and for the most part I chose to do nothing I just let it all happen until I got to this prog and accepted my part could I let go of the anger towards my husb . he was only doing what alcoholics do , drink
good luck Louise

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Learning to detach is one way to take the focus off him and put it on you. There are certainly still lots of things I have to say to the ex A. These days I totally relate that he is lost in his drug world. So there is no point in saying anything to him. He may or may not get to the point of being able to hear it. For me its about taking care of me, day in day out. How do I best take care of myself. Acquiring resentments is toxic.

maresie.

Ickle Lynnie · Veteran Member

Hi Priscilla,

Welcome to the forum.

I read your post and started to realise that all my resentment has turned to pity. I think it is because now having others to talk to I realise that he has NO control over what he does. You can't resent a dog for weeing up a lampost or a baby for puking down your back.

I have let go of my resentment as it serves no purpose but this has happened over time and is linked to letting go of control and accepting the A as an A. I used to think if I could get him to understand how I felt then he wouldn't do it but now I know that the guilt and shame would just be more likely to make him drink.

Imagine your fantasy comes true and he is confronted with it and the pain of it sends him back to the drink or worse, would that make you feel better then? Talk talk talk, in meetings on the forum, in a diary, to a friend and amazingly you may start to feel amused, hysterical, pitying, sad...

not all positive but all easier to let go of!

missing out · Senior Member

Priscilla....
I so know that feeling... My father was an A, and let me tell ya everytime I attempted to speak to him about his drinking, and how I felt when he would "flip out" for no reason, and "Go from Jeckle to Hide" in a matter of about 2 mintues... Everytime Iwould try and tell him anything about anything, he would block me like a brick wall... Or you could watch his face and see when "He shut me OFF"...
The best cure I found {Before finding Al-anon}... Was Writing... I Wrote "HIM" many many many letters, never gave but a couple of them to him... But in them I would write down EVERYTHING that was driving me crazy about him...Every feeling, every emotion, and I locked them away in a box...Looking back now, learning what I have learned so far in alanon...I know that his alcohol is and was never my fault...{which i believed all my life}... He chose to drink, he chose to live the life he lead...
As can you!!! Your life should be focused on what works for you...Find your inner strength, head to a meeting, get on the chats, let it out... We all do... And who knows... Once you except your place in your life, you may just find out, all those things you wanted to say...Didn't mean much when they wasn't listening anyway... So give yourself what you need, keep coming back, and keep sharing, we are all here to help one another...

Thanks for sharing...
Missing Out...

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Priscilla))),

Welcome to the MIP family. I lost my beloved Tim 6 months today. I can't believe it's been 6 months already. It seems like yesterday. He was the love of my life. I've always said that I loved the man, not the disease.

Did I have resentments? Sure. That's natural. Once in a blue moon they still surface. But that's part of the healing. One of his councelors in rehab asked me if I wanted to tell him what the disease did to me. I declined. What was the point? To make him feel bad? To make me feel superior or better? They beat themselves up so much. You have no idea the shame they feel for what they are doing to themselves and more importantly to the people they love and care about. Nobody I know wants to grow up to be an addict. They didn't choose this disease. It choose them.

I am a great believer in journaling. It's very cathartic to me. Sometimes I write a letter and then burn it. I got it out of my system and let it go. I have always done this, long before I had an A in my life. I once wrote a letter to Alcoholism. I got every negative, nasty and hated emotion I felt for this disease. I felt this huge weight lifted off my shoulders. That's how I deal with resentments and any kind of negative feelings.

I strongly urge you to get to some Alanon meetings. Learn about your place in this disease. Your recovery is about you and for you, regardless if he chooses sobriety or not. It's about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve. It's about living strong. Alanon will give you the tools you need to get through every day life. Your life will be better because of it. Do this for you, not for him. Read the literature, learn about his disease and your place in it. None of this is your fault. You can't make him better, but you can make yourself better. I promise you that. Please keep coming back to us. Love and blessings to you and your family.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

I was very new to al-anon when my marriage was falling apart. I didn't understand the program yet and so, I would never hold back at letting him know exactly what he was doing to me and how I felt about it all. Let me tell you, even though I didn't keep my mouth shut... HE NEVER HEARD ME ANYWAY!!!!

The program teaches that I am responsible for MY behavior. Now I know that. And now I can see how terribly cruel it was of me to brutally bludgeon him like that. I have to put it on my list of amends. The program teaches us to LOOK at ourselves. And to take responsibility for our OWN behavior.

I totally relate, how do you forgive day after day after day...? Maybe steps 6 and 7 would help. (((hugs)))

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